Part One

By the time nightfall hits, I realize that I’m starving. Well, that’s what happens if you don’t eat anything. But I had no appetite for the entire day. At least, not until right now. I’m trying to sleep but with my stomach growling at me, I have no choice but to get out of bed. We’re not supposed to leave our cabins at night but I can’t sleep on an empty stomach.

I get out of bed, sneaking outside. I make my way to the makeshift kitchen. I enter inside, wincing as the door creaks. I have a small flashlight in my pocket so I take that out and shine it around the room.

The food tends to be in a locked box on the shelves. I don’t know who owns the keys. I rummage around and thankfully find an opened box. Inside is a biscuit so I take that and eat it. As I’m eating it, I hear something or someone knock a can over and I shine the flashlight in that direction.

“Who is it?” I growl despite feeling my muscles pull taut with fear.

“Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” It’s Kris.

I stare at him, uncomprehending, then I sputter, “You can’t be here!” I go to him and push him hard in the chest. “Get out!”

Kris doesn’t budge when I push him. He has an amused look on his face. “Look, I’m sorry for scaring you—”

“You didn’t scare me,” I snap at him, glaring.

Kris shrugs, gesturing to the half-eaten biscuit in my hand. “Late night snack?” He muses.

“Shut up.” I growl. I place the biscuit on a barrel. “You should not be here.”

“I just wanted to say hi,” Kris says, smiling at him. Damn him, even his smile is good—what?

I push him again. He doesn’t budge. Damn him. “Get out.” I demand. “Or someone’s gonna find you and kill you.”

Kris rolls his eyes. “Look, Joey, I promise I’m not a bad guy.”

“That’s what they all say,” I find myself muttering.

Kris chuckles softly. “Well, I guess you want me gone, huh? I’ll go.” He does a quick lookover of me before flashing me a charming smile. “Though I gotta say, you’re fun to mess with.” He winks at me, snags an apple from a wooden carton, and leaves.

He just…leaves.

I’m fuming.

How dare he mess with me like that?

I leave the kitchen, searching for Kris. Though, why am I looking for him? He’s annoying, full of himself, and cocky. I hate cocky guys. He’s arrogant and proud, much too proud. He clearly likes to get on people’s nerves. If he wasn’t so attractive, I’d probably already have punched his face.

What?

I’m tired. Still hungry. I’m not thinking straight. I go back to the soldiers’ cabin, sitting down on my bed.

I can’t fall asleep anymore.

*****

The moment I’m about to sleep, I hear a scream. Everyone is up, alert. I sigh quietly as I get out of bed, making my way to Greenway’s cabin.

Greenway is pinning Haden to the ground. Greenway’s forehead is bleeding but he’s too angry to care. Haden is struggling, trying to escape, but Greenway twists Haden’s arm behind his back, causing him to scream in pain.

Greenway snarls, “You think you can kill me?! Huh?! You stupid bastard!” Haden looks scared out of his mind.

I stare at Haden, stunned to see him here. That’s when Haden turns his attention to me, and he spits out, “YOU!”

General Greenway turns his head, and he hisses, “Huh? What about him?”

“Lil’ creep!” Haden thrashes around and frees himself from the General’s grip, rushing towards me. Carman tries to stop him, but Haden pins me to the floor. “I’m going to fucking kill you, I swear I will!” Carman and Greenway are trying to pull Haden off of me. “Wha’ you did wit’ my things, huh? Where are m’things?! I’m gon’ to rip your dick with my hands, do you hear me?!”

I cringe. That was an image I didn’t need.

Carman manages to pull Haden off of me, and Haden snarls, “You lil’ bitch, I swear I’m gon’ to kill you!” Carman claps a hand over Haden’s mouth, muffling his words.

Greenway sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So, Byariars. Do you know this... this man?” He waves a listless hand at Haden. 

“Several encounters...” I suppress a shudder, remembering his hand traveling and touching my...I instead nod, glaring at Haden, trying to forget the memory.

“Ah.” The General pulls out his gun and aims it at Haden’s temple. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Ngh...” Haden begins to mutter undecipherable words.

“Answer.” General Greenway orders harshly.

“Haden Falloway.” Haden responds, eyes burning as he glowers at me.

“How old are you?” Greenway presses the gun to Haden’s throat.

“Uh…twenty-seven.” Haden swallows hard.

“You married?” where Greenway is going with these questions, I’m unsure.

“No. Planned on ’til that fucker killed him.” Haden snarls, glaring daggers at me.

“I thought he was your ex,” I say and all three of them give me an incredulous look. I continue, “What about Kelly then? Plan on breaking up with her and going to Ted? Doesn’t seem like it'll work out now since he’s dead. And oh, Haden for the record, I didn’t kill your ex-boyfriend/best friend, alright? Seriously. And why are you angry at me? I should be angry at you, you trying to rape me and all.” Great job, Joey, I tell myself sarcastically. Way to go...you need to shut the hell up.

Carman stutters, “W-wait, what?” and Greenway pales.

Haden flushes as he averts his gaze, pushing the gun at his temple away.

“That’s messed up,” Carman says. “Like, real messed up.”

“Right?” I continue furiously, throwing a hand in the air. “And you’re five years older than I am. The only creep here is you, Haden Falloway.”

“Now I just want to kill you more,” General Greenway snipes at Haden. He jams the gun at Haden’s temple.

A low whine builds in Haden’s throat. “I dun’t wanna die, though...”

“Who does?” I hiss, walking toward him, pressing my finger in his chest. “In what world does someone want to die for the fun of it? Hm? And who wants someone to kill them? Hm?” I jab my finger hard into Haden’s chest and he winces. “You are a heap of trouble. Now,” I say, pulling away, “let me kill you.” I snatch the gun from Greenway’s grip and shove the gun in his mouth. “You dirty-mouthed, dirty-minded human,” I snarl, jamming the gun deeper into his mouth and Haden gags dryly, trying to wretch himself free from Carman and Greenway’s grip.

“Enough,” says Carman, and it takes me a moment to realize that he is talking to me. To me. He glares at me. “This is not you, Joey. What’s wrong?” But he doesn’t let go of Haden.

“Shit happens, that’s what!” I yell and Haden looks at me with wide eyes. “I hate that this is happening! I just want you to frigging die! Die, I say!” I then use the gun and jam it into Haden’s stomach, and he groans, doubling over but the General and Carman hold him. “You. Creep! Deserves. To. Die!” I jab the gun repeatedly into Haden’s stomach with each word.

Carman lets go of Haden and grabs my wrist, hissing, “Joey. If you’re going to kill him, just kill him already. Don’t keep on extending the time.” Carman scowls.

“No! Don’t kill me! I wanna live—” I shoot Haden a murderous look and he trails off, a nervous look on his face.

“Hm. Maybe. But no.” I cock the gun to Haden’s heart, snarling, “Die.” I fire. The gun only clicks. It hits me and I throw the gun to the floor. “Oh, come on! It’s not even loaded?!” I glower at Greenway.

He gives me an apologetic one-shoulder shrug.

I sigh, rubbing a hand down my face. “Fine. Fine.” I ram my fist into Haden’s stomach, and he doubles over, howling in pain. “I’m fine now.” I turn heel and stalk off, grumbling underneath my breath. I go back to the soldiers’ cabin and get Fili Mi, slinging that on my back.

I grumble as I get out and yelp as someone grabs my arm, yanking me away from the camp. I look at the person and cry, “Oh, seriously, Jesse? Now what?” But obviously he doesn’t answer me. So I wait until we stop, completely away from the camp.

Jesse rounds on me and he growls, “I hate you.”

I stare at him. This is repetitive. And why does he keep on chasing me if he hates me?

“Yeah, I know.” I try to free myself from his grasp. I can’t. “Let go of me, Jesse.”

“I still can't get over the fact that you kissed a guy, and you don’t know whether you are gay. Or bi. Or pan!” His eyes are wide.

“I...” I can feel my cheeks burn. “It’s...just...he...never mind.”

“Oh, don’t you say ‘never mind’ now!” Jesse growls. “How could you possibly not know, huh? And god, you do realize how weird this is? That both of us are brothers and like boys? Huh? Holy... whatever. I hate you.” Jesse shakes his head in defeat.

And so you told me a million times that you hate me. I know. Jesse must have read my expression because a deeper scowl forms on his face.

“Loser.” He says.

“Asshole,” I say.

“Pervert.”

“Fag.”

“Wait a minute, that’s not fair!” Jesse snarls. “You’re bi and so am I!”

“I’m not bi!” I shriek. “Quit...pestering me!” I jerk my wrist free.

“You kissed a boy! And you liked it!” Jesse’s blue eyes are round.

“...that doesn’t mean anything, Jesse!” I try to defend myself. He shouldn’t label me with whatnots. I know who I am!

...do I? 

Jesse sighs, running a hand through his messy hair. “I don’t know what to say to you. You...” he sighs heavily again. “You piss me off.”

“Wonderful.” I say with a bite. “Just...wonderful.” I scowl at Jesse. He mirrors my image. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? My brother! You got it wrong! It’s actually what the hell is wrong with you.” Jesse jabs a finger into my chest.

“Nothing,” I snarl, “and I mean nothing is wrong with me. Do you hear me, Jesse? I am a perfectly normal human being whereas some are fucked up.” I look pointedly at him. His expression is sedated and I’m worried that he might suddenly blow up.

“So,” Jesse says, a slight tilt in his head, “you’re calling me a fuckup?”

I don’t say anything, waiting for what he might do.

“Answer me, Joey.” Jesse hisses, pointing a finger at my face.

“Yes.”

He lunges at me. I dodge but he grabs my arm, twisting it behind my back. I yowl, trying to pull away, but he shoves me against a tree, holding my arm against my back.

“You idiot.” Jesse’s voice is soft with burning ire. “My god, how dare you go against me? I’m your older brother. I am older than you by six fucking years, Joey. You do realize that, right?!” He snarls in my ear.

“Let. Me. Go.” I spit. I try to wretch my arm free. Pain shoots up and down my arm as Jesse tries to twist it more. “You’re going to break my arm!” I screech at him.

“Good!” Jesse says. “That’s what I want!”

“Why do you want to hurt me so badly?!” I growl, gasping when I hear my bones shift. “Jesse! Please! Why are you so violent?” I whimper. Screw it, I’m whimpering. I’m a grown man!

I feel cold metal being pressed against my temple.

“If you dare shoot me,” I say furiously, “you’ll forever live in guilt and regret. Don’t you dare shoot me, Jesse, I swear to God if you kill me, your life is going to be hellishly miserable. You’re going to suffer. Don’t you dare.”

Jesse snorts. “You think?”

“No, I know.”

Jesse doesn’t say anything. In fact, he seems to be pondering what I just said. He hesitates before saying, “Whatever,” and he lets me go.

“Why do you want to kill me?” I ask furiously. “Whatever the hell did I do to you? Huh? Don’t say what happened eleven years ago, don’t you dare, Jesse. What happened eleven years ago happened eleven years ago. You can’t change the past.”

Jesse opens his mouth to say something, but instead he scowls. He grumbles something bitter underneath his breath and spits, “I don’t know, okay? Just... I’m fed up with you, okay?”

“Fed up?!” I cry in disbelief. “How the hell can you...?”

“Just shut the fuck up, okay?” Jesse growls, holding his hand up.

And he wants me to be quiet. What is his problem? Dammit. I sigh heavily. I move away from Jesse, leaning against a tree. Jesse watches me with a guarded expression before he says, “So are you gay—?”

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!” I screech at him, shoving my hands into his chest. He staggers but doesn’t fall. “I’m nothing, okay?! I’m-I’m straight, dammit. I’m not...argh!” I tear at my hair. Jesse watches me with fascination. “Ugh, Jesse, it’s not... I don’t have any emotions towards male. Boys. Men. Okay? I am attracted to females. Girls. Women. N-no... not the same gender as I am. No. Th-that's wrong. It-it was just an experiment. It was just curiosity. I was sixteen for fuck’s sake, okay? I was wondering what it would be like to kiss a boy. That was it.

“It was nothing special, or a flare, or anything. It was a mere phase. That was a one-time thing. It's nothing. Sure, I loved kissing Darrin Meyer but... but that’s nothing. I thought I liked him. It was a stupid crush, okay? Just a one-time thing. You ought to stop bugging me about who I am because you want me dead, huh? Why do you care about my sexual orientation? Why?” I look at him with wide eyes.

“Because aren’t you homophobic?” Jesse says, his head canted to the left.

I grit my teeth. “I. Just. Don't... like the idea of two boys kissing. Or two girls kissing. T-that's it. I’m n-not necessarily against the idea just...”

“Do you believe in God?” Jesse inquires, startling me.

“I.” My head spins, my heart a jackhammer. “I don’t know, okay? Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares? Do you?” I shoot back at him.

My older brother shakes his head, and I fight back a groan of exasperation. He says, “Nah, I don’t. But why do you hate it so much? I don’t understand. We’re not a Christian. Yet you seem to have a uh, what? Grudge that the fact that I am bi. Why?”

“Because both of our parents were homophobic, and our mother was a Christian. They raised us to be like that. Yet you went off course and found something else to entertain yourself with.” My tongue is heavy, and my heart feels twisted. It feels as if I committed a crime and I’m refusing to admit it. Why? I’m not bi. Or gay. I’m straight. I was just... curious. I have no attraction towards males. There’s no need for me to like a guy.

He looks annoyed—no, he looks peeved. “Says you who kissed a boy as well.” Jesse hisses. 

“IT WAS JUST THAT SHORT TIME PERIOD, JESSE!” I roar, pulling Fili Mi out and firing at a tree. Birds caw, flying out in a rapid direction.

Jesse rolls his eyes. “You done?” the color drains from his face when I jab Fili Mi in his direction, snarling, “You think?!” He looks horrified.

“Are you going to...shoot me?” He says in a whisper.

“No.” I sigh, but deep inside, part of me wanted to blow off Jesse’s head.

The color returns to Jesse’s face immediately. He wipes his hands on his shirt and says, “Well. I’ll be calling you ‘bi/questioning’. I got to go.” He is about to leave when I grab his wrist, snarling, “Don’t label me with things! I’m sick and tired of you doing this!”

“‘This’?” Jesse snorts. “‘This’ is nothing. To be honest, I’m helping you out. Get your priorities straight.” He pulls himself free of my grasp and leaves.