My Husband's Divorce Attorney

Chapter 6

When I got home I freed my feet from the heels and threw on sweats. Today had been long and emotionally turbulent and I had absolutely no desire to cook myself a meal. I ate a simple sandwich and then started to pack the truck of my car with my photography gear. Kendrick had said I could start moving stuff over immediately, so long as I didn’t mind storing it downstairs until he was officially gone.

The rumble of the garage door opening surprised me. It was only 7:30 pm, and I had expected Robert and the boys to be gone for a long time. The bright headlights revealed all the equipment I had strewn in Robert’s parking spot as I was loading my trunk.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Robert, “I thought you guys would be a little longer.”

“It’s fine,” he said, but I could tell by the way he shut the car door that he was irritated.

It’s interesting how, after twenty years of marriage, you begin to recognize the lies in the words and the truth in the silence. Whatever happened at dinner had him angry, and this was a simple problem that would be magnified by preexisting rage.

Another set of headlights arrived in the driveway, and I realized the boys had driven separately from their father. Ethan’s blonde head popped up as he got out of his brother’s car. He looked like his affable self, but as Nyx came into view, I could tell he had been brooding.

“Boys, can you come help me load this really quick so your father can park?”

They must have picked up on the urgency in my voice because they immediately came to grab my things. While many teenagers would bemoan helping their parents, my sons had always looked out for me. I had no idea how this had been cultivated in them, but I was always grateful for it.

“Are these your photography lights, Mom?” Nyx asked, his curiosity overcoming his angst.

“Yeah, so be careful with them; we should put them on top of this other gear.”

“Why are you loading up your photography stuff?” Ethan asked. His tone was light; he was not as emotional as his older brother. The space was already clear, and Robert got back into his car to pull into his spot.

“I found a place to move,” I said as I closed the trunk, “I’m really excited to show it to you boys! It will need a little renovating, and I would like your opinions on it.”

Nyx and Ethan exchanged glances and looked unsure how to respond. My enthusiasm seemed to be a point of confusion for them. Robert and I had some very loud arguments about the divorce the past week. Not because I was angry at the idea of splitting but because of how he was going about it.

Bringing a realtor to put the house up for sale in the middle of Ethan’s sophomore year of school was not something to spring on people you love. Our son was going to be massively impacted by this. Not only that, but his birthday was in a few weeks. Sixteen was a significant birthday. It was going to be difficult to celebrate this milestone when his parents were divorcing and he was packing to move.

Robert raged about the fact that I always put the boys before him, that he was tired of being nothing but the family bankroll, and stated there would probably never be a convenient time to get divorced. As furious as I was that Ethan would have to manage the hardest changes, I never once argued to stay together. The ship for a happy marriage had sailed a long time ago.

Maybe if the boys saw my happiness, it would help them accept it, too. Once I found my happiness, that is. Until then I would need to fake it. I drummed up all the positivity inside myself that I could. I needed to show them that things were okay.

Robert got out of the car and went inside without saying anything. His silence seemed to impact Nyx and Ethan in a curious way, their jaws tightening until he was inside.

“Did it go that bad?” I asked them.

Nyx was my emotionally volatile boy; his feelings ran close to the surface, and his face gave them all away. He got this from his father, along with most of his looks.

“Dad’s an asshole,” he said coolly, shoving his hands in his pockets with a bit too much force, “I don’t want to eat with him.”

“Did you guys not get dinner then?”

Ethan smiled mischievously. “Nyx picked me up early, and we went to the restaurant to eat before Dad got there. He showed up just in time to pay.”

Ouch. No wonder Robert was so angry.

I couldn’t stop the heavy sigh that left my body. My response seemed to distress them; their proud plan being a source of displeasure to me was not what they had hoped for. They had always been my little helpers, and even when their efforts made things worse, I would still smile and tell them I appreciated it.

“Boys,” I said, putting a hand on each of their cheeks, “I would never want either of you to stay in a marriage that made you unhappy, and I don’t want your father to do it either.”

“Then why did you do it, Mom?” Nyx asked.

“Because you two made me happy enough to ignore it. I have always loved being your mother… even when you two used steel wool to wash my car.”

“You will never let us live that down, will you?” Ethan said.

“Never,” I said, reaching up to ruffle his blonde hair. “You’re both growing up, and I love seeing the men you’re becoming. However, it’s also leading to a scary change for me as a mother.”

“Nyx, you are already out on your own, and in a few years, you will be too, Ethan. If we had waited until it’s just your dad and I, then we still would have ended up in the same situation, and probably with more hurt. I wish this didn’t have to hurt you, boys, but I think it needs to happen. I know you are worried, but I promise that I’m going to be okay.”

I reached to wrap my small arms around their necks, needing to get on my tiptoes to reach Ethan, and forced them into a hug. Truthfully, I was not strong enough to force them to do anything, but they submitted to my affection.

As we came out of the hug, I took a turn to look each of them in the eyes. They were opposites in a lot of ways, but their eyes were an identical light blue, the same as mine.

“Be nice to your father, at least about the divorce.”

“Mom,” Ethan started, and then hesitated. “He’s already dating.”

I sighed. “I know.”

“YOU KNOW?!” Nyx shouted.

“Theoretically, I knew,” I said with a shrug. “He wouldn’t have asked for a divorce if he wasn’t.”

“Mom, that isn’t okay,” Ethan said, “it’s disrespectful to you.”

“The divorce will make it okay. In three months, your father will be single, and his relationship choices will be none of my business.”

“How can you—” Nyx started but got flustered with his feelings. “How can you be so okay with this?!”

Of course I wasn’t, but I’d had more time to process the news than the boys. I had suspected that Robert had found someone six months ago when he stopped being intimate with me, so enough time had passed that I could appear nonchalant about it. And I couldn’t exactly tell my sons that our marital sex patterns clued me in ages ago.

That was only part of the reason, though; a much bigger issue had removed my emotional connection ages ago. As the memory of it came to mind, my false positivity evaporated, and my voice grew heavy with emotion.

“Your dad and I never really recovered after I lost your sister.”

Nyx turned to look away, his blue eyes filled with melancholy. He was almost eight when it happened, so he could remember, if only vaguely. He wouldn’t know about what happened at the hospital since he was not there, but he was old enough to see my grief afterward.

Only my obstetrician knew the truth of my devastation and the betrayal. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone the whole story.

I wished I would have been strong enough to shelter my sons from my anguish, but that was the beginning of the end. Nyx remembered the person I was before, and he saw the change afterward. As a wife, I stopped trying. The trophy wife who did her best to look good next to her successful husband collapsed into a mother who had to sob into her pillow every morning so that she could put on a smile for her sons. Every ounce of my energy had to be channeled towards caring for the boys; Robert became an afterthought.

“I know, I just—” Nyx faded out, unsure of what to say next.

“Has our family been a lie this whole time?” Ethan asked.

“No, sweetheart,” I said, reaching for their cheeks again, “Our family is real. Robert will always be your father, I will always be your mother, and Nyx will always be your brother.” Nyx proceeded to shoot his little brother some joking side-eye as if to disagree with me.

I pinched his cheek and continued, “We never intended to fake our marriage for you boys; we just slowly grew apart. I’m sorry that things will be different now, but I will love you the same, no matter what.”

“Even if you start dating again?” Nyx asked, with bitterness in his voice.

I laughed out loud at the remark. Their dad’s dating probably had more to do with feeling replaced than indignation on my behalf.

“Tell all your college friends I’m single, will ya?”

Nyx batted my hand off his cheek and pretended to retch on his dad’s car. Ethan laughed at his brother’s discomfort, enjoying my joke as much as I did.

“Trust me, I have no interest in courtship. You two are the only men I need in my life.”

I genuinely meant it. The idea of going on first dates had zero appeal to me. I dated excessively in my first year of college, so I had that out of my system even before that summer with Joseph. After him things were different, and all the dates I went on were nothing but minefields of discomfort. I felt like I was tiptoeing around unwanted conversations or uninvited touching every five minutes.

Joseph had been one of my closest friends in my freshman year. We had classes together, we sat together, we studied together, and we just talked. For some reason, it had always been incredibly natural to tell him anything.

It felt like such a stupid thing, but that was what I could not find after he left: I couldn’t confide in anyone. All I found on the subsequent dates were forced conversations and mismatched feelings. I had no desire to pursue those awkward experiences at my age.

No, dating was not on my post-divorce agenda.