Lucas

Surrounded by darkness, I close my eyes and wait for unconsciousness to claim me. Seeking release from the pain of my failures, I turned to an old bottle of bourbon I found behind the dining room bar. With every swallow of the sweet burning liquid, my hatred and self-loathing grew, which is why I cast the bourbon aside choosing instead to drown my sorrows in the bottle of cheap Tequila that now lies on the floor next to me, empty—just like me.

Deep down, I think I always knew I’d fuck things up. For all the bravado I possess as a Navy SEAL, I’m pissed at myself that I couldn’t man up this one time to be the man she needs. I promised myself I’d do anything to keep her and that I couldn’t get beyond my hang-ups pisses me the hell off. If not for the two little girls sleeping peacefully upstairs, I’d be tearing this place apart, instead of laying on this couch like some looser hellbent on self-destruction.

“What the hell are you doing?” James’s voice carries through the darkness, just before the bright lights of the living room spark to life.

Squinting from the sharp pain behind my eyes, I state the obvious. “Getting drunk.”

“I can see that. Have you even slept? You know it’s almost 5 am, right? You’re supposed to relieve me in less than an hour.”

“Can’t today. I’m leaving.” My slurred speech catches me by surprise. This is good. It means I’ve drunk enough to numb myself, even from the effects of my intoxication.

“Come again.” With my eyes now adjusted to the light, I turn to find him standing at the living room entrance with his arms crossed at his chest and a deep scowl on his face.

“She doesn’t want me here, so I’m leaving.”

“Not happening, especially in the shape you’re in. What you need to do is sleep this off so the two of you can talk.”

“There’s nothing left to say. At least not right now. I told her I needed time, and she said she had none to give. She doesn’t want me here.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. Even if she said something to that effect, leaving like this is something you’ll come to regret.”

“Probably.” Sitting up, I pick up the empty bottle, then slam it on top of the wooden coffee table before coming to a stand. Off balance, the world tilts for a moment before I manage to keep myself upright. “Living with regret is nothing new to me. And anyway, it’s time for me and Nero to get back on the road. Back to our lives. We’ve overstayed our welcome and done enough damage to last another fifteen years.”

As I wobble past him, I feel his glare burning into the side of my face. At the foyer, I grab Nero’s leash off the hook in the coat closet, but when I go to call for him, I realize he’s still in the bedroom with Embree. Given my drunken state, it’s probably for the best. That darn dog is happy here. He has kids to love and protect and a woman who’d give him whatever he needs. A family. It’s a better life than anything I have to offer, so I return the leash to its hook and then make my way to the front door.

“I’m taking an Uber to the Inn. Call Ben. Tell him to send someone over to help you. I’ll check in later.”

As I hit the bottom step, James grabs my arm. With a quick jerk, I pull myself free from his hold and then swing a wild right hook at his face. My drunken state does me no favors as the punch misses, and he uses my momentum to take me to the ground. Before I know what’s happening, I’m laying flat on my stomach, with my hands handcuffed at my back.

“That asshole… was a freebie.” He huffs in my ear. “The next time you dare take a swing at me, I’ll make sure you come to regret it.”

A fact I don’t doubt. Street fights are James’s specialty. It was how he earned money back when he was living on the streets. It’s also where Ben met him. He was still a Ruby Creek cop when Lakeview PD called in for reinforcements after the raid of an illegal fighting operation. As soon as Ben laid eyes on him, he recognized the 18-year-old fighter as a good kid down on his luck. When he left the police department to start up Offset Tactical Security, he offered James a job. It’s what later paved the way for him to regain custody of his little brother Tyler, who was stuck in the foster care system.

“Ben.” With his knee on my back, he barks into his phone, “Need you here ASAP. It’s Lucas.”

“You don’t need to bother him with this. Just let me go and I’ll make myself scarce.”

“No can do, for you see, aside from the fact you’re supposed to be my backup, that woman in there is counting on you to pull your shit together. I let you leave here like this, and God forbid something happens, not only will she have my balls, but so will your sister. And since I’m rather fond of my balls, you motherfucker are staying put.”

“She doesn’t want me here!” I mean to scream it in anger, but to my shame, it comes out like a broken sob. 

“That may be true, but whether she likes it or not, you being here is critical to her safety. So pull it together and… Do. Your. Fucking. Job!” he snarls behind me.

When he pulls me to a stand, I don’t fight him. With my head hung to my chest, I allow him to lead me back inside and then to the control room where he deposits me on the empty cot where Zeb used to sleep.

“Now, lay the fuck down and sober up.”

“I need the cuffs off.” I’m on my stomach, so I do my best to spin to the side so he can reach them. To my chagrin, he shoves me down hard.

“Stay the fuck down. I don’t trust your drunk SEAL ass, so the cuffs stay on.”

************

“Get up jackass.”

The hard slap to the side of my face startles me awake. The sharp pain that travels up into my brain when my eyes crack open is a clear sign we’re at least an hour past sunrise. Not waiting for me to be fully awake, firm hands pull me to a sitting position. Hissing at the sudden burn in my arms as blood re-circulates back into my fingers, I’m relieved when Ben notices my discomfort and removes the cuffs still binding my hands at my back. With my arms free, the burn intensifies for a bit and as the numbness fades from my fingertips, I rub my wrists where the skin is red and raw from my temporary confinement.

“What the hell’s going on?” Ben’s glare would be terrifying if not for the alcohol still lacing my veins.

“We’re done.” Unable to face his judgment, I stare at the floor.

“Done what exactly?”

“Done. Like fucking done. I can’t give her what she needs right now, so it’s best I not be here. For now, you’ll have to find someone else to help James and Pastor David watch over her and the girls.”

“And you’re good with that. Leaving their safety in the hands of someone other than you?” The scorn in his voice is so thick it does as he intends and fills me with shame.

“It’s what’s best.” I sigh in defeat.

“Is that so?” Ben eyes me critically.

“There are other jobs, Ben. Pull one of the other guys back here and I’ll take their place. Let me work another job. Anything is better than me being here right now.”

“Lucas…”

“Save your speeches, Ben. I’ve decided. I’m not the man for her right now. She’s miserable with me here, so I’m begging you. For her sake, pull me off this case and let someone else step in to help her. I can’t do it anymore. My emotions are too jacked up to do the job right.”

“Is there anything I can say to convince you to give it a day or two before you decide?”

“No. Get me out of here. Please. Put me on another case.”

“Leaving her like this… you realize she might never forgive you.”

“I’ve already let her down. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

She never should have allowed me back into her life. If we’d both heeded the warning I gave her that day at the truck stop, she wouldn’t be in this predicament. Pregnant, heartbroken and alone. Once again, her suffering is on me, so I’ll gladly take this guilt I feel, and allow it to destroy me. Without her, there is no part of me worth salvaging anyway.

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Author’s Note:

Watching Lucas self-destruct like this is so hard!

What do you think about this chapter? Are you disappointed by his decision to leave, or do you agree that he and Emilia need some time apart?

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