Emilia

Not long after the truth about Creed and the FBI was revealed, there was a moment when I thought my days of pretending to be okay were behind me. I really believed I’d turned the corner and was honestly looking forward to living in my truth. What I didn’t know at the time is that living in your truth requires a certain level of acceptance when it comes to your circumstances and, sadly, I’m having a hard time accepting the mess I’ve made of my life.

“Okay, who’s ready for breakfast?”

“Me!”

They erupt in unison, giggling as they look at each other with so much love it makes my chest ache. These amazing little souls, with so much light and joy in their hearts, don’t deserve the burden and pain that comes with abandonment. As their mother, it’s my job to protect them and that I’ve failed them is a regret I’ll carry for the rest of my life. It’s why as remorseful as I am over last night’s argument, I know with certainty I’m doing the right thing. It’s my job to advocate for my children, and allowing yet another man who isn’t fully invested in a future with us to ingrain himself into their lives is downright cruel, and a recipe for additional heartbreak they don’t deserve.

Yet, knowing it had to be done doesn’t mean my heart isn’t breaking. That’s why I intend to find him as soon as I finish feeding the girls. We need to talk so I can make it clear I’m willing to give him the time he needs, but only if he genuinely believes he can get past the baby growing inside of me. After everything he’s done for us, including his patience as I worked through my pregnancy the past few weeks, I owe him at least that.

With my fake smile refortified, I take their little hands and help them down the stairs. Nero follows close behind, careful as always, making sure he doesn’t knock them off balance. Finding him in my room caught me by surprise, as he typically sticks close to Lucas, following him wherever he goes. I’m guessing in his rush to leave after our fight, Lucas forgot to call for him, but that he didn’t return to get him this morning fills me with unease.

“You two go on ahead, sit at the table and color until I get back. Mamma needs to find Uncle Lucas so he can take Nero on his walk.”

Making sure they follow my instructions, I stop and watch as they enter the kitchen. At the telltale sounds of the chairs being pulled from the table, I head towards the control room. To my surprise, I find Ben and Uncle David sitting at the monitors during a time of day that usually belongs to Lucas.

“Um… hi.” I interrupt their conversation. When Ben sees me, he comes over and leans in for a quick kiss on my cheek.

“Hey there, Emi. Good morning. Are the girls with you?” He asks as he scans the space behind me.

“They’re in the kitchen waiting for me. Nero needs a walk. I was hoping to hand him off to his dad.” At the mention of Lucas, all I can muster is a weak smile.

“I’ll take him.” Uncle David stands, and after giving me a quick kiss, he calls for Nero to follow him out of the room.

Alone with Ben, the room sinks into an uncomfortable silence, which heightens my apprehension, especially when I see his hesitation as he closes the door to guarantee our privacy. “Emi, Lucas asked he temporarily be assigned to one of our other clients.” At the news, my stomach sinks. To my dismay, a fresh round of tears burns behind my eyes. “He said the two of you had an argument. He’s under the impression you don’t want him around right now. Whether that’s true or just his misguided interpretation, we both agree he’s not in the best headspace to do his job right.”

“His job?” Not wanting him to know how badly this news is hurting me, I choose to lean into my anger. 

“To keep you safe. It’s what’s most important right now.”

“Where is he?” Angry at myself for not chasing after him last night, I swipe at the stupid tears I wish would stop.

“He’s at my place. He had a bit too much to drink last night and needed time to sleep it off.”

I nod, mixed emotions warring inside me as I process what he’s said. This is good. He’s still in town, which means there’s time to make this right. What I said last night was done out of desperation, out of my selfish need to wake him up and make him fight for us and the future we’ve always wanted. I never meant for him to leave. I just wanted to push us out of the holding pattern we’ve been stuck in since finding out about the baby.

“Take me to him,” I demand, attempting to leave so I can go upstairs to get ready. When Ben steps between me and the door to block my exit, I beg. “Please. Take me to him. I need to see him.”

With his hands on my shoulders, he eyes me closely. “Emilia, that’s not a good idea. He’s asked that we give him space, and I think the two of you could use some time apart.”

“No!” I shake his hands off of me and take a step back. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for Lucas and me. You have no idea what’s happening between us and have no right to make judgments, let alone tell me what I need to do.”

“I know more than you think. I know you’re pregnant with Creed’s child. I know it happened under Lucas’s watch when your husband conned you into walking away from Lucas’s protection. It’s why he blames himself. I also know that for weeks now, Lucas has been walking around like the weight of the world is on his shoulders because he knew with absolute certainty you were keeping secrets from him. Secrets that he only found out about less than two weeks ago. I’m not judging you or your relationship, Emilia, but the man I saw this morning needs a break. He asked for time to get his head straight, and at the very least, I think we owe him that.”

Ashamed, I step deeper into the room and then collapse into one of the chairs with my face buried in my hands. Breathing through the ache inside my chest, I push back against the sobs trying to escape. Ben’s right. Everything that’s happening is because of me and all this time Lucas has been nothing but patient. Understanding. He’s gone out of his way to love me even as I built walls to keep him from my secrets.

“What if I lose him, Ben? What if he leaves before I get the chance to make things right?”

Squatting in front of me, he takes my hands in his. “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours to keep.”

I chuckle through a sob. Those are the same words I said to him on that horrible day Jen moved out of their house. After their fifth failed IVF attempt, she was depressed and hell-bent on freeing him from their marriage so he could find someone else. Someone who could give him the child she couldn’t. He was devastated and damn near broken when he showed up at my door looking for her.

“As I recall, you didn’t heed my advice. Instead, you chased her halfway around the world and then kidnapped her until she agreed to give your marriage another chance.” At the memory, I smile through my tears.

“Do as I say and not as I do,” he smirks and squeezes my hands. “Trust me, that man is head over heels in love with you. Even if he tried to walk away, I’d bet my entire net worth his heart wouldn’t let him get far. Plus, have a little more faith in me than that. I have no intention of letting him off the hook. He owes Offset Tactical Security a year of service, and I have no intention of releasing him from that agreement.”

“Okay. I guess the girls and I can keep Nero company until he gets back.”

“Actually,” he grimaces. “He asked that I bring Nero with me when I leave. They’re flying to New York early tomorrow morning to meet with a client.”

“Oh, I see.” Closing my eyes, I hang my head in a lame attempt to hide the pain that comes with the realization I won’t get to see him before he leaves.

“He’ll have his phone, so you’ll still be able to reach him.” The softness in his tone is meant to be comforting but does the opposite instead.

Blinking back tears, I rise to my feet and turn to leave. Desperate to put distance between me and the pity in his eyes, I don’t stop to see what he wants when he calls out. Nor do I stop to say anything to James, who looks at me with concern as I run past. Shattered and sick with grief, I run straight into the bathroom where, in between sobs, I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Sorrow pours from my eyes. With a hand over my aching heart and the other over the baby who deserves better, I let myself cry.

“Emilia,” Ben calls for me as he knocks on the bathroom door.

The gentleness in his voice only adds to my humiliation and, with no way to expend the multitude of feelings choking my every breath, the familiar anger that for three years was my constant companion returns. Flushing the toilet, I wash my face and finish brushing my teeth. It’s not until he threatens to take the door off its hinges that I finally open it and face him. While I know he means well, his presence right now only adds fuel to the fire burning me alive.

“Emi…” Pity. It hangs heavy in his voice, which fans the flames of my fury. The fact he’s hovering when I’m just trying to process that I may have lost the love of my life—for a second time—is plain wrong.

“Go home, Ben,” I beg with desperation and sadness rolling off of me in palpable waves. “Take Nero and go back to whatever it is you do. You’re not needed here.”

“I know things feel impossible right now. If there’s anything you need, know that I’m …”

“I don’t need your help,” I cut him off as anger presses under my skin, making me flush. “Go home, or at the very least, go back to the guys so I can focus on caring for my children. You gave him the courtesy of space. Now grant me the same.”

Though he hesitates, he does as I ask and leaves. Taking a few deep breaths, I turn my thoughts to the girls. They are my why. The reason I exist. With newfound determination, I wipe away all remnants of my breakdown. From this point forward, creating the best life possible for my children needs to be my sole priority. As for everything else, I’ll have to trust that things will work themselves out the way they’re meant to be. Like my dad used to say, I just need to have a little faith.

Pep talk over, I head to the kitchen where the girls are coloring as they wait for me. Opting for a lighter breakfast, I prepare three servings of toasted bagels with cream cheese and sliced apples with a side of yogurt. 

“Thank you,” they respond simultaneously as I set their plates down in front of them.

“You’re welcome. After breakfast, what do you say we do some finger painting out on the back deck?”

“Can Newo come?”

“Sure Mally. If he’s still here, he can.” Taking the seat in front of them, I brace for the conversation we need to have. “So, um… I want to talk to you guys about something. You know how your uncles have been working hard to keep us safe? Well, there’s someone else who needs help, so Uncle Lucas is leaving us for a little while to go help them.”

“Is he going to keep them safe, too?” Alyssa questions, her brows drawing together in a serious expression.

“That’s right. It’s why Uncle Ben is here today. He came over because Uncle Lucas had to leave.”

“Is Newo weaving too?”

Brushing Mallory’s bangs from her eyes, I attempt to soften the blow. “I’m sorry, baby. Nero has to go with Uncle Lucas.”

“That’s good, Mallory, because Nero is Uncle Luc’s guard dog. Nero will help keep him safe,” Alyssa explains. As Mallory considers her sister’s words, her sad eyes shift to a look of understanding.

“That’s right. So anyway, you guys finish up, and then we’ll get some painting done. Sounds fun, right?”

“Is Uncle Wuc coming back?” Mallory’s little forehead crinkles with concern as my breath catches in my throat.

This is what I’ve been afraid of. These girls have lived with the disappointment of their father’s absence, and now I may have possibly exposed them to yet another man who might let them down. Maybe his taking another assignment is for the best. If anything, this will give the girls and me a chance to get used to being on our own. At the thought, I rub at the painful spot in my chest that aches like a gaping wound.

Clawing my way through the fog of fear and grief, I give Mallory a reassuring smile. “Of course, Mally Baby. Uncle Lucas is part of our family. Just like your other aunts and uncles stop by to visit with you guys, so will he. I’m sure he’ll be back as soon as he can.”

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Author’s Note:

I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter. Do you think Emilia should have pushed harder and demanded that Ben take her to see Lucas?

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