Kit’s POV

Andrew was smiling at me. He was always smiling but this one seemed wider than his usual ones.

He sat behind his desk at the private practice he worked at. He wore nicer clothes than anything I had seen him wear back at camp. He also looked more tired than I had ever seen at camp and it made me wonder if something was going on there or if he hid his exhaustion more at camp. 

“How have you been doing,” Andrew asked after a few minutes of us sitting in silence staring at each other. “I was surprised to hear from you after so long. I didn’t think you would ever call me for anything other than Roland.”

“Something happened,” I sighed as I tore my eyes from his gaze and put my head in my hands.

“I assume you want to talk about it,” he noted when I hadn’t spoken in a while.

“You can’t tell Roland.”

“I won’t tell him anything. Anything you say in this room will stay between us unless I think you or someone else is in danger.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I nodded. I forced myself to take a deep breath and will myself to not pass out.

“I went to the skate park last week. It was later than we had any business being out and we should have known better but I was about to explode and I just needed to do something. It was fine at first, me and Nathan had the whole place to ourselves and we were doing our own thing. About an hour later these guys came in and went for the pool. I didn’t think anything of it but a few seconds later nathan was trying to pull me away and I fought him because I wasn’t ready to be done yet. Then I realized he was pulling me away because they were smoking weed and the second I smelled it, the only thing I wanted was to join them and get so high off my ass and now I can’t stop thinking about it. If I let my mind wander for even a few minutes I find myself thinking about it and until I can manage to distract myself it’s the only thing I can think about and I don’t know what to do.”

When I looked back at Andrew he was frowning. 

“Is it just weed that you’re thinking about? I know you said weed was just the starter and it escalted from there. Have other things been popping up lately?”

“Just weed so far but I don’t think it will take long before it gets worse.” He nodded and wrote something down on his notepad before looking back up at me.

“I think the best thing to do, for now, is make a list,” he said before sliding a piece of paper and a pen in front of me.

“A list,” I asked dumbly and he nodded.

“A few lists, actually. A list of reasons. What made you start using it in the first place, what it felt like after the high was gone, and why you don’t want to go back to using. Then when you start thinking about it pull out the list and read off all the reasons.”

“You think that’s actually going to work,” I scoffed.

“I think it couldn’t hurt,” he said with a shrug. “And it definitely won’t help if you don’t try. You’ve been through this before. You know these things only work if you try and make an effort. And if this one tool doesn’t help then we can always try other things. This is just the first step.”

I sighed but gripped the pen anyway and looked down at the blank paper.

“What do I start with?”

“That’s up to you. This is your list.”

“I guess I started because it was an escape,” I said as I wrote down my answer. 

“An escape from what?”

“Life,” I shrugged. “The anger, the situation I was in.”

“Good,” Andrew said with a smile. “Make a side note and put those reasons down. Why else did you start?”

“It helped with the ADHD. It’s like it made the world slow down and everything that didn’t matter didn’t cross my mind. It was nice. It got me out of the house too. I liked that it gave me a reason to not be stuck in a house that didn’t want me.”

“Good. And what did you feel when the high was gone?”

“Tired,” I sighed. “Completely bone tired. I could sleep for the rest of the day and still wake up wanting to go back to bed. It also made the ADHD worse. Like going a few hours not having it made it run ramped. I couldn’t stay focused on anything for more than a few seconds before I just blanked. I also got really depressed which is common. Drugs like that use your dopamine store so when you come down you don’t have any to spare. I got paranoid too, thinking people would be able to tell what I had done. It was exhausting trying to hide it all.” He humed as I wrote everything down and when I looked back up at him, he continued.

“Alright, now list all the reasons why you can’t relapse.”

“Roland,” was the first word out of my mouth and he smiled. “My friends, they would be so mad if I relapsed when we worked so hard to get out of rehab. I also don’t want to disappoint my parents. I know they’re dead and depending on your view of the afterlife, they don’t exist or know that I’m still alive anymore but I know they would be so disappointed if I had done this while they were alive and I can’t do that to them. I know that my rehab therapist would be really disappointed too if I had to go back. And you and Mary would be disappointed too and I don’t want that.”

“Good,” Andrew smiled. “Can you think of anything else you could add to the list?” I shook my head and he moved on. “I want you to carry that at all times. In your wallet or your back pocket, anywhere, and any time you feel like you can’t stop thinking about it, read the list, and try to add to it. It’s not a cure-all, but thinking about the worst parts instead of the ‘better’ parts will help you not glamorize using.” I nod and my heart is still beating out of my chest. “I also want you to call me any time you feel like you can’t stop thinking about it. If you need we can stay on the phone for hours or I can come get you and we can just hang out in person to distract you. Anything that helps.”

“Thank you,” I sighed as I folded the paper neatly and put it in my pocket.

“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”

“How is Roland?” He frowned and I could tell I wasn’t going to get a real answer.

“The same way I won’t tell him about you, I can’t say anything about him. It’s not fair to either of you. If you want to know how he is doing then talk to him.”

“You know he’s not very forthcoming about this kind of thing,” I sighed even though I understood. “I’m just worried. I don’t want him to hate it there. He said before I came to camp he was thinking about running away. I don’t want it to come to that again.”

“Camp is completely safe. There is no way for him to leave without us knowing,” Andrew soothed but it did nothing to help.

“He already found a way out once,” I scoffed. “You didn’t even know about it. If I hadn’t made him tell you about it he could have already run away. What’s stopping him from finding a new way out? He’s spending a lot of time in the woods lately, did you know that? He could be looking for another way out every second he’s out there and then he could just walk out without a second thought!”

“He’s safe Kit,” Andrew soothed again as he stepped around the desk to kneel in front of me. His hand went to my knee and I didn’t even notice was bouncing up and down. My breathing had picked up too. My hands felt sweaty and my heart was beating out of my chest. “You’re starting to have a panic attack, can you breathe for me? In through your nose and out through your mouth.”

I followed his instructions even if it felt like I was dying.

“Do you have panic attacks often,” he asked once I had gotten my breathing back under control.

“I used to, before rehab. It’s been a while since I had one,” I said, my voice coming out shaky as I wiped tears from my eyes. “I don’t know where that came from.”

“It’s normal to get anxious and panic when you’re worried about your partner. I want us to resume our sessions. Twice a month if possible and if these attacks become more common we can talk about getting on medication. How does that sound?” I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do.

“Can I be done now? I think I want to go home now.”