At Emmett High School, homeroom is just an extension of whatever your second period class was. For me, that meant an extra twenty minutes listening to my passionate English teacher, Ms Gupta, discussing the clever innuendos worked into Shakespeare’s 12th Night. Those 20 minutes are technically free time but she was so much more fun. Instead of using the period to catch up with grading or whatever else teachers have to do, she would just share random English facts with us.

In the sea of giggles and jokes and general childish amusement, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I looked very studious, scribbling away at my desk. Except there was no school work in sight. I was really just working on the break up plan. 

At every turn, Rin and Stephanie were making this difficult. But Elliot Samuels never shied away from a challenge. 

Sometimes he might complain about the challenge being too difficult. And I- uh, I mean he might also ask his mom for help because odds are she’d do some of the work for him. But I- he- fuck! We still get it done!

I think mentally messing up talking in the third person made me angry because my pen had ripped through the paper by the time James showed up. 

Now, let me be clear, James had never shown up to my homeroom before that moment. In fact, I didn’t even realize I’d told him what classroom it was in.

But the giggles had died down and when I looked up, there James was in all his British glory. Short blond hair, non-existent lips, a handsome adorkable thing going on that I didn’t understand but totally respected. If he was American, he would have been a 7 or a 9. But as a British, he was totally a 15/10. 

James gave a polite greeting to Ms Gupta (who read him a quick innuendo to get a manly giggle out of him) then beelined for my desk.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing in my English class?”

“It’s homeroom now so this isn’t an English class anymore,” my British friend sassed. “Meaning, I’m allowed to chat with my friend. Unless Ms Gupta has an issue with that.”

“Nope, no issues at all!”

I wasn’t sure why she was so eager to let James stay in the classroom with me. Maybe if I understood why she was sending me two overeager thumbs up from around James’s body, I would understand. But alas, those thumbs did nothing for me so I had to ignore her mysterious but supportive efforts.

“Fine, you can talk to me,” I sighed, trying to tamper down a smile. “What’s going on?”

For someone who was bold enough to barge into my cozy homeroom, he was getting oddly cagey. As if my inquiry of what, in general, was happening in the world stressed him the fuck out. James then slipped into the empty desk behind me so I had to turn around to continue to watch him fidget.

Maybe he could tell I was getting violently irritated because he rushed out a quick, “Sorry.”

“I think Ms Gupta’s making me nervous,” he tagged on. It was a decent attempt at a joke since I did release a decent snort after hearing it. It was also definitely a lie because she was like the warmest thing in this school and when James glanced at her to make sure she didn’t hear him, his shoulder visibly relaxed. 

“I’ve been craving gyros since I moved here and I found this cool-looking restaurant downtown,” he enthused, using his phone to shove a 4.7 star rated address in my face. “Do you want to go with me tomorrow? For dinner?”

Gyros sounded really good after frying my brain for the past 10 minutes. And I could use that time with James to figure out why he, as a basic British boy, was so familiar with my 5th favorite food. I was completely ready to tell him just that when my phone vibrated from a text. 

Rin texted our group chat (it was called the 4 musketeers which is insanely basic but the only thing we could come up with) to say that Stephanie and her posse would be joining us tonight. It was a bleak reminder that Colby’s almost weekly Friday gatherings might forever be corrupted by Stephanie and her friends. 

I had nothing against cutting through testosterone with estrogen from time to time. And now that I knew they were coming, the sting of the large group of girls joining us wasn’t so harsh. The issue was that Colby’s weekend chip fests were our thing. And when I show up to his place after another dull and/or irritating shift, I will be forced to watch Rin and Stephanie grope each other on a bean bag.

With that text burning into my eyelids, it became abundantly clear that I needed to spend more time with people that aren’t Rin.

“Yes,” I answered. “It’s been too long since I’ve had gyros.”

“Great,” James sighed in relief, a huge smile stretching his cheeks. In an instant, he was back to his usual casual charm. I think that’s why he smirked when he said three words that shocked me to my literal core.

“It’s a date.”

James was up and out of the desk so fast, he didn’t see my jaw hitting the floor. I mean I felt drool pooling in my mouth, that’s how shocked I was. At that point, I turned back around since the only thing I could do was watch James strut out of the lamp-lit classroom (my teacher said the overhead lights were too much). Ms Gupta’s desk was near the door so I saw her give me two more excited thumbs up after James left the room.

I still didn’t understand why she was so excited for me. But if I thought about it more, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I got asked out on a date. 

And I just said yes.

—————

In the 2 weeks that I have been plotting the end of a 2-month-long relationship, I never once wavered in my focus. Never swayed from my goal. 

Until James told me that he was taking me out on a gay date and I don’t think I’ve ever known peace since. 

The rest of my Friday passed by in a blur. The gray mush for broccoli the cafeteria served tasted grayer that day. I was the butt of every joke because no matter what anyone said, I just laughed and repeated “totally.” Even my sheet of break up ideas with its awesome pen hole couldn’t entice me like before. This gay date thing was pretty distracting. 

And why did James ask me out? Did he interpret our lively conversations as flirty banter? Did I just give off gay twink vibes? Rin always assured me that the curly hair came off as manly even though all the other trendy curly hair guys have muscles and I do not. Maybe he was lying to me. Maybe I gave off major gay vibes to a gay guy without knowing it!

I tossed and turned for half the night, struggling to figure out if I gave off twink vibes or not. And more importantly, trying to decide if attracting gay men was a good or bad thing. Huffing, I rolled across my bed and picked up my phone. The screen was dim but just the white font for 3:42 am burned harshly into my eyeballs. This was too much stress for a guy to take! All because I want to hang out with my friend!

Unless, I can do just that.

When my phone slipped out of my hand and fell next to my head, it looked like a real life light bulb moment.

Maybe (and I really hoped this was true) showing up wouldn’t feel like a date at all. I could show up, have a delicious meal with a friend, and then–after he’s paid for all my food–then I’d tell him about my distinct lack of queerness. 

I was pretty happy with this plan. That clear path of steps to take helped me stop spiraling long enough to get dressed and leave my damn house Saturday afternoon. And boy am I glad I did. This dude hadn’t been in the country for a month yet he’d found one of the best gyro shops I’ve ever been to. 

The two of us looked like suckers walking in because we couldn’t stop staring at the glorious meat cone spinning at the very front of the restaurant. The place was more of a hole in the wall so walking in, you could either walk left to grab a seat or stay to the right where they took your orders and cut slices off the constantly rotating cone for each order. If there was ever a moment to not be a vegetarian, this was it.

James asked what I wanted. I said I needed five minutes to hold heaven in my hands and I think he got the picture. 

Five minutes later he joined me at the table I’d claimed for us. He kept 4 gyros then handed me the other 5 and I was so very glad I came. Because when I was deciding between a tan oversized shirt and a beige one, I thought about canceling. Telling him my turtle got sick or something since there’s no way for him to confirm I have a turtle anyway. Because as far as he knew, this was still a gay date and I still wanted it to be that way.

I’d convinced myself this morning that I could be on this date without it feeling like a date, forgetting the fact that James hadn’t agreed to that part. 

The restaurant was pretty crowded. Couples and families gathered around the table in loud, boisterous conversations. Music in a language I didn’t speak thumbed steadily through the speakers. And with the staff trying to yell over the noise, it was hard to even think. 

But I heard James with no problem because right after he brought over the food, he dragged his metal chair around our table. When he sat down again, it was easy to lean into me and speak directly into my ear. 

Which he did. Often. And each time, it made our thighs press firmly together.

When James laughed harder than necessary at my jokes or glanced down at my lips, I realized that he had flirted with me before. The bit of fluttering in my stomach and the heat that ran to my cheeks was familiar. But that floaty feeling was more intense because this is a date and I still hadn’t told him I don’t want it to be one.

Should I tell him? I wondered when he used a hand on my thigh to lean even closer. From this distance I saw orange mixed into the browns of his eyes and realized that along with his freckles was an ever present blush. 

This felt nice, talking and flirting and being close to a guy. But if I did like guys, wouldn’t I already know that? Wouldn’t I know that before I was on a gay date with a guy I’m not even attracted to? 

Except James is pretty attractive. Extremely attractive, in fact. Like sometimes I want to stop in the middle of my sentences to process the fact that someone with that face is even talking to me. 

I’m used to it though: being around such distracting people. Because Rin is my best friend and even before his pre-freshman year glow up, he was mind-bogglingly attractive. 

If I always liked guys, wouldn’t I have fallen for Rin first?

There were two more gorgeous gyros on my plate just waiting to be eaten so I swiftly shoved a whole one into my mouth. James sputtered out a laugh, in shock or disgust I couldn’t tell you, while I forced the meaty goodness down my throat. The pain from stretching my throat and my cheeks to their limits helped me forget the scary question that had appeared in my brain out of nowhere. 

This was my karma for letting James lean in and flirt and pay for me when I had no intentions of taking this any further. The gay gods, who clearly favored James more than me, were asking me to atone for my sins and tell the goddamn truth.

“Are you really that hungry?” James cackled, poking one of my cheeks which didn’t–refused–bend under his finger. “You couldn’t take bites?”

I chewed and swallowed the food down as best as I could. This meant the gay gods succeeded in punishing me even more because that still hurt. 

James raised a napkin to my mouth, ready to wipe something away like we were in fucking hallmark. I just managed to dart away from the napkin and wipe the sauce off myself. His smile became pinched, I felt guilty, and suddenly this date was too much.

“James, I lied to you.” As I spoke, I pulled my chair away from his. His smile crumbled but I tried not to focus on it. I needed the space. There was no way I could say this while staring right into those freckles. 

“I lied in the sense that I should have told you the second you told me this was a date because I didn’t realize you were asking me out,” I explained. 

“When I agreed, I thought we were just going to dinner as friends and I’m saying this now because I want us to stay friends . . . I’m sorry.”

James was quiet for longer than I thought he would be. Long enough that I remembered when I rocked nervously in my chair, the metal turned cold. And, above all the noise, this place played music.

“Okay.”

His nods, his blinks, every little mannerism coming out of his body felt too fast. But at least he was talking. Then he talked some more.  

“Are you even interested in guys?”

“No I’m-”

The question wasn’t accusing; it was curious. A natural follow-up to the truth I’d given him. But my answer got caught in my throat. The ability to lie seeped out my body like air from a popped balloon. Two weeks ago, this wouldn’t have been a lie. Two weeks ago I knew exactly who I was and who my friend was and Stephanie and James were the farthest concerns from my mind.

Today, the thought of finishing a gay date as a gay date didn’t horrify me. The thought of James being my boyfriend didn’t feel that bad. But Stephanie and Rin still terrified me. Their relationship made me feel like my knees would give out at any moment. 

Just thinking about Rin, my best friend, could bring a smile to my face. 

Whenever he teased me with the gay jokes every guy my age should love, I felt queasy and giggly and mentally replayed his faux flirting for the rest of the day. 

And it’s not hard to recall the feeling of his body digging into mine on Colby’s couch or remember how much I would have given just to pull him tighter against my chest. Stuff my face into his neck. Drag my tongue across his skin-

“It’s okay if you don’t know. There’s no rush to have everything figured out,” he reassured, voice gentle and soft. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m into you. If you are into guys, you know where to find me.”

Then he dropped his hand over mine on the table, a comforting gesture that I didn’t deserve. Yet, I was spiraling worse than I ever have before. The warmth of his palm grounded me. I needed human touch to calm the rapid pace my heart was trying to set. 

When he pulled that hand away, I didn’t flinch. He couldn’t know how much three words–it’s a date–wrecked my life. So I couldn’t rely on his warmth anymore.

“I don’t think I’ll take you up on the offer, but I’m happy to know gay guys think I’m cute,” I joked.

A perfect straight dude response from a perfectly straight dude.

“The cutest,” he smirked. I’d committed a terrible crime as his friend but since his usual smirk had come back, I hoped all was forgiven. 

I grabbed my last gyro and took a normal sized bite. It didn’t stretch my mouth muscles to the point of pain this time. It was all pleasure and I hated it. The gay gods, the straight gods, or even just normal God needed to punish me. 

Falling for your best friend is completely against the rules. And realizing that you did while on a date with somebody else must be a sin.