I don't know what to say, or if I should say anything at all. The girl is looking at me, and I'm looking at her. The girl seems like she's about to say something.

"Could you throw the ball to me?"

I don't know what I should do. I looked at the ball nestled under my left arm and then back at the girl.

"If I give you the ball, will you come back to see me again?"

The girl didn't take her eyes off the ball. I guess she was upset and very afraid of losing the ball.

"Okay," she said.

I threw the ball to the other side. She caught it and left without saying a word.

Maybe I shouldn't have thrown the ball. I'm afraid she'll never come back again. It's evening now, and it's gotten really cold. My torn clothes provide no protection, and I'm freezing. It's also quite cold through the window. The gate of the house's yard opened. Someone is coming! Why are they coming? Did they see me talking to that girl? They're getting closer, I can tell by their footsteps. They opened the door. I cowered in the corner of the hut and buried my head in my arms, staring fixedly at the ground. Why aren't they saying anything or doing anything? They came closer to me and leaned down. They smell of alcohol.

"How are you, Taşkın?"

What's this now? Why is he asking such a question? Could they be looking for something from me? Should I tell them everything? Will they get very angry? What should I do?

"I'm... fine."

The words won't come out of my mouth, I'm trembling from the cold, and I can feel them staring at me intently.

"It's nice that you're fine. By the way, despite being young, you have a very nice body, did you know?"

"There's no luck with women tonight. She didn't let me fuck her because I smelled like alcohol. Taşkın, spread your legs! If you don't, I'll break your arm."

Why does he want me to do this, what's on his mind? But if I don't do what he says, terrible things will happen. Why am I experiencing all of this? I wish someone would just end my life. I have to do what he says. I spread my legs.

"You're really beautiful, Taşkın."

I'm wearing shorts, they're also very old and torn in many places. He touches my legs, moving towards my groin. What should I do, would someone come to help if I scream?

"Taşkın, from now on, you won't make a sound until I'm done with my business. If you do, I'll make you regret being born. Now lie face down and lift your pretty ass up."

What does this mean? What will he do to me? He started to take off my shorts. Startled, I threw myself to the side all of a sudden. At that moment, I met his eyes. He looked very angry, I could tell from his face. He punched me in the face, I thought my jaw broke, and then another one, and another one. My nose was bleeding.

"What did I tell you! Why can't you stay still, you son of a bitch!? I'm giving you one last chance. Lie face down like before and lift your ass up now!"

It hurts a lot, the blood from my nose is soaking the long-sleeved sweater I'm wearing. I'm too scared to even move. Why am I alive, why am I living this life? He keeps staring at me angrily.

"It seems you won't lie down as I said. Then I'll make you lie down."

He grabbed my arm and started licking it from end to end. He turned me towards him so my back faced him, put his left hand on my waist, and with his right hand, pushed me down to the ground from my back. I can hear sounds, he's undoing his pants.

"It'll hurt a little, but you'll get used to it next time."

He was laughing as he said these words. Something entered me. It hurts a lot, it feels like something is tearing. Something warm is flowing from behind. A few minutes later, he threw me against the wall without saying anything and left. There's a very intense burning sensation on my back, I put my hand there, and there was blood. It keeps bleeding. I don't know what to do, how to behave. It hurts a lot. I put my boxer and shorts back on. I curled up in the corner of the room, but this time I lay down because I can't sit. It hurts too much when I sit. There's a very dim light in the hut. It's enough for me to see around a little. While lying down and staring blankly into space, I saw a broken piece of glass. I calmly picked it up. It reminded me of when he licked my arms. I'm disgusted! I'm disgusted with myself! I'm disgusted with everything! I took the glass in my hand and started cutting my arm where he licked. It didn't hurt, or maybe I didn't feel the pain? I was just cutting my arm. My arm was warm. Blood was flowing onto the wooden floor.