It seemed as if the sun was mocking me. Its light, usually a mood booster, failed to lift my spirits. Nervous habits marked by a frown that forecasted early wrinkles. But I was getting better. It was a process, they said, a permanent activity for the foreseeable future. That seemed to be the case.

Steady, only the wheels on the asphalt. There was not a single thing to recall that was linear. At any given moment it could stop, and derail into an abyss. So far, I mean. There is hope. My therapist told me to reframe all of this, calling it “Resilience”. Sure, playing along does not hurt.

It is fitting. The loud buzzing sound of humans. Honks, beeping, intangible phone conversations, and distant screams from cars far down the road. The reason? The road was keeping them away from their morning addictions. Humans, from the moment they wake up to the moment they pass out from exhaustion. Do they all run directly into their happiest moments? Or are they similar to me?

Does that sound healing? Perhaps not, but so powerful humans are. The morning gave way to these thoughts. Lost in them, I jolted as my body hit the floor, finally tugging the blanket back in place.

Pausing to lay there, I lamented these past few unfortunate nights. The dreams had come back, typical of them. Annoying, so very maddening. Pause. Lily screamed, and it reached the slits of my half-open door. I thought about ignoring it. Coming from her, it could be anything - from a misplaced phone case to imminent danger. You never know… Fine.

As I stepped into the living room, glimpses of blonde, a beam of light through the curtain, hitting the floor, nostalgic and reflecting off her healthy glow. Tiny rounded features, with a nose delicately built, stuffed with tears. There she lay on the carpet, in a fresh set of clothes, as if it were natural.

I was not much better when it came to finding floors comfortable. However, her head leaned to the side, maintaining eye contact with her giant glistening blue eyes. Trouble that is what it told me.

“This is a bit odd, isn’t it? Anyway, I picked up your favourite skirt from the dry cleaner.” She got up, sitting awkwardly. “Hurry up. You know I need you.”

“Need me?” Looking around, makeup was scattered around the coffee table by the sofa. “Oh.”

“Yeah!” She ran towards the shared bathroom, taking a blush and a lip gloss.

A yawn surged as I leaned against the door frame. Lily’s blue eyes, a shade close to my own, yet ever slightly wrong. Bright and enticing deep blue, shining as she daydreamed.

I saw myself in her, a slightly more hopeful version of me. It existed, each time she grinned. Enabling this kind of behaviour is wrong but despite her unhealthy romantic life… You should make your family happy as much as possible.

“Go get dressed! He’ll be up soon!” She whisked me away with her dainty hand, a blend of urgency and sisterly care.

“Ugh. Fine… Buy me sour gummies then. Or else no deal.” I declared, already knowing the answer.

“Whatever, just get dressed!” She grinned with the habitual agreement of our sisterhood.

***

Standing by his apartment door, I noticed the doorbell was still broken, just as it had been the past week. His mother hadn’t been home for a while it seemed. Giving me no time to knock, the door opened, and there he was, looking handsome as usual, as he changed into his outdoor shoes. I stared at him, a smile tugging at my lips as if pulled by an invisible thread.

“Lily is waiting for you,” I said, immediately turning my back to the movie scene that was unfolding inside his house.

“Morning to you too. Is this how you are going to be from now on?” he asked, his tone a mix of frustration and amusement.

I kept walking, but his footsteps rapidly approached.

“May I?” he asked, stopping in front of me with his arms open.

“You may not!” I shouted, glancing back, and waiting for Lily to show up.

“Come,” he said with a nod, ushering me inside his apartment. As the door closed behind me, I allowed myself to look at his face, savoring the moment.

“What about now?” he asked again, his eyes searching mine.

“Okay,” I whispered, wrapping him in a tight hug, missing him more with each passing moment he wasn’t there.

He responded by gently embracing my waist, lowering his head to rest on the nape of my neck, soft and puppy adjacent.

“Theo!” I exclaimed, pulling back slightly.

“Does this not mean anything to you?” He matched my eye level, his eyes filled with a longing that I certainly corresponded. One that I did not want him to recognize in me.

“Maybe. But that does not mean I have to act upon it.”

“Then what is holding you back?”

“Maybe the fact you went to Italy for a month, going no contact with all of us…”

“I had my reasons… It was something I had no control over.”

“Funny! But I have control over this.” I took a step back, freeing myself from his warmth.

“Then why do you come back and do this strange theatre every morning?” he asked, his voice softer now.

“Lily. The same reason we should never have kissed that day… Or did whatever we are doing right now. She is my choice.” I reached into the entrance cabinet, picking up a framed photo of us three from our childhood.

“Let me try this one more time. Do you not feel anything?” He stepped closer, closing the distance between us.

“Theodore. My sister has been into you since we were children. I can't do this to her…” I placed the photo back, my fingers lingering on the glass.

“Then choose what you want Harriet. Tell Lily to come here herself for me please?” He opened the door, gesturing for me to leave first.

***

In a blink, he was driving us to campus. Lily’s small giggles filled the car as he told jokes about pasta he learned in Italy. This was right. He was the one who got her this happy at such alarming hours of the morning. Still, I held back tears. Can you convince yourself that something so peculiar and different does not exist? Something that feels wrong, that upsets your stomach?

We, the odd quadruple, had known Theo since middle school. Theo as a child had been one of those incredibly rude ones, who told you things you never wanted to hear. Yet, not a person could resist his charm.

So, when high school came around, I was still immature... childish even. As for Lily and Theo, they were already thinking about dating and forgetting about playing tag. It was a weird period of our lives, more so for Leon and me. Having a twin should mean having a friend forever, right? That was not the case for him into his teenage years. To be fair, at least he had his slightly more brunette bonus sister.

This situation carried on until the last year of high school when Theo suddenly broke everything off with Lily. Relief washed over me until I saw Lily suffering. He was her whole world. As for Leon, and him, they were more twins than with the one he resembled. They played games all night and studied at 3:00 am when the exam was in the first period like two very handsome cockroaches roaming around the house when everyone else wanted to rest.

Then there was me, being a third wheel, emotional support, and third necessary player depending on the occasion. Four different humans of the same age, who grew up attached at the hip. So this year, at the beginning of university when I realised that I lingered a little longer by his apartment, and my eyes strayed to him in the most inopportune moments, it was a dreadful realization.

He is an idiot, a lovable idiot! I can’t begin to even comprehend it myself. This past month, as Lily babbled about his Instagram posts. I only thought I couldn't agree more…

My mind filled again and again with the same old contradictory thoughts. Built-up frustration, bottled somewhere deep beneath my skin. Even after all this time, I feel this chill as if he will put everything I have built down, just like when I first met him, and he kicked my Jenga tower.

After I prayed to the skies he would never come back from Italy. Maybe he could have found a passion for dough and cheese and chosen to pursue his life far away from my sight!

I know I am awful.

“Harriet!” The car had stopped on the side of the road, and the campus of Lily´s faculty was in sight. “See you at lunch… With your sour gummies.”

“Are you okay?” he asked, watching as Lily vanished.

“Yeah,” I replied, my voice unconvincing.

He sighed. “I can’t force you to make healthy choices for yourself. But you should rethink your approach to confrontation.”

“What do you know about that? This is a totally normal and fine arrangement.”

“Your hands are shaking.” He produced a bottle of water my way. “Here.”

“Thank you,” I picked it up. “Too much coffee,” I remarked, trying to smile.

“Lily told me she wants to be together again.”

“What did you say to that?” I lowered my head, trying not to sound out of breath.

“I said I would think about it...” He turned slightly, a small smile forming on his lips. “However, it was always a no.”

“You can’t do this...” I whispered, my voice trembling.

“Actually, that choice is up to me. I will not tell her why if you do not want me to. But you know this is worse, right?” He took back the bottle, opening it up, before returning it.

“I am afraid of losing everything… It is not limited to this situation. There is something wrong with my brain.” I blurted out, relieving some of the stress, finally taking a sip.

“It is resilient. That is what you told me. Mine too, negligent mother stuff,” he said softly.

A face loomed over the car, mouth agape, staring directly at us.