Okay, everything’s right on track.  Just slip that shoe into your backpack and we can –

[CLOP]

            Hold on – did you hear that?  On the other side of the door.  It sounded like something moved.

[CLOP]

Wait, there it is again!  Are those footsteps?

Shoot, kid.  This is not good.  The only way out of the closet is back through the teacher’s lounge.  My whole plan depended on you getting in and out without being detected.

[CLOP]

If you still had that spaghetti bowl on your head, you could go under cover, but we used it to make our sundae.  You’re just going to have to slip out as quietly as possible and hope whoever’s out there doesn’t don’t notice you.  Good thing we have our sneaker.  Now, just eeeeeeease the door open…

 What do you mean, it’s locked?  What kind of supply closet door automatically locks?  Have you tried jiggling the handle?

            Wait, stop jiggling!  What if they hear you?

[SNORT]

            Was that a snort?  Teacher’s don’t snort!  Who is out there?

Okay, we’re officially in trouble.  Not to worry, though, right?  Real heists have plenty of hitccups.  We just need to examine the problem until the right solution presents itself.  Let’s see….  Uh….

            Maybe we could pick the lock?  No, that won’t work – the people who designed the door already did that, so we’re stuck with the lock they chose.

[CLOP CLOP]

            Uh, remove the hinges?  That’s no good.  They’re all on the other side.  We’d need a chicken and a road to get there….

            Ugh, this is tough.  Why can’t things ever go smoothly?

[SNUFFLE]

Sigh.  I give up.  Listen, kid, I need to tell you something.  It’s real talk time.

I’m cursed.  I have been for a while, now.  I figured you should know, since you’re trapped in a supply closet with me, with somebody snorting and snuffling right outside.  You’re talking to one thoroughly cursed Cordelia, only, you can’t even hear me, because I’m trapped in a book! That’s how cursed I am!

Ways that Cordelia is Cursed:

            Curse 1: I’m stuck in a book.

            Curse 2: When I get stressed or excited, my pun magic comes out wrong-side-up.

That second one’s the real problem, I think.  Most of the time things go great, but sometimes they go cataclysmically wrong.

For example: that shoe you’re holding?  That’s actually my brother, Cornelius.  A little while ago, he was a regular half-human, half-pixie, like me.  Then Saturday happened, and the curse kicked in.  That was probably the worst day of my life.

***

Flash back to Saturday, a week and a half ago.  Things are already really bad. Cornelius and I are running for our lives down an empty sidewalk.  I don’t want to bore you with the all the details, but our house is swarming with angry antelope, and I’m pretty sure Dad’s been eaten by a mountain lion.

Cornelius and I cover our heads with our arms as we run, because woodpeckers are swooping through the sky above us, poking and pecking with every pass.  My heart is a machine gun in my chest.

We keep running.  I’m in front, leading the way.  Cornelius is just a foot behind me.

We round the corner of the block.  Cornelius is gasping for breath.  My side aches, too, but I do my best to hide it.  “We’ll be safe soon,” I wheeze, not sure which of us I’m trying to reassure. 

I feel so useless.  If I could find the right pun to do magic with, I could sort this all out in a heartbeat.  But I’m way too scared to be clever.  My mind is a complete blank.

Cornelius pants behind me.  “We’re going where we can’t be hurt,” I whisper as we run.  “Whatever happens, we won’t be hurt.”

Suddenly, everything freezes.  The world shifts out of focus, then snaps back into place.  Only now, the sound of our footsteps disappears.  We run and pant just as hard as before, but we’re doing it in silence.  I can’t even hear my own heartbeat.

With horror, I realize that I made a pun, without even meaning to  I was so tired from running that I slurred my words.  What I’d really said was, “we’re going where we can’t be heard.  Whatever happens, we won’t be heard.”

We keep running.  I swear, Cornelius is just a foot behind me.

Ten feet further down, the pun magic strikes again.  I stop running and turn to look.

I swear.  Cornelius is just a foot, behind me.

All that’s left of the brother I knew is a shoe.

***

[CLOP]

            So yeah, kid, that’s who you’re stuck with.  Cordelia Soong, the cursed.  But we’ve still gotta get out of this closet.  Let’s ask Cornelius if he has an idea?  He’s pretty smart. 

            Cornelius?  Are you there, buddy?

            Why isn’t he answering?  Why isn’t he moving?  Oh man, kid.  Did you accidentally kill my brother?

[SNORT]

            Hey, hold on – I think there’s something missing.  Aren’t shoes supposed to have a cloth thingy on the inside?  Look around on the floor – maybe it fell out?

            There it is, right there!  That thin strip of foam and nylon.  Grab that and shove it down inside the shoe.

            There we go!  Now he’s hopping and squirming all over the place, just like the little brother I remember.  No wonder he was so lifeless – he was missing his in-soul.

            Wow, look at him go!  Yeah, kid, he’s always been this hyper.  My brother never could sit still, even before he was a shoe.  Most of the time, the only thing he could focus on was his music.

Let’s try to get his attention.

Cornelius?[1]

__________________

Cornelius?  Say something![2]

__________________

[2] SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING.  I AM SAYING “SOMETHING.”  CAN YOU HEAR ME?

__________________

Darn it.  No response.  I guess we’ll have to – wait, hold on.  What are there those weird little numbers after some of my words?[3]

__________________

[3] THIS IS HOW I TALK.

__________________

Wait…  I think I….

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.  Ugh, this is just great.

Cornelius is a shoe.  He only communicates in foot notes.[4]  Every time you see one of those little numbers, kid, you’ve gotta look for the same number lower down to see what he’s saying.

__________________

[4] CORDELIA IS IN TROUBLE.  I CAN HELP HER, BUT YOU NEED TO LOOK DOWN HERE WHEN YOU SEE A NUMBER, SO I CAN TALK TO YOU.

__________________

[THUD!]

Waah!  Something just smashed against the door.  Whatever’s out there, it definitely knows we’re here.  We need a plan, and fast![5]

__________________

[5] I HAVE AN IDEA.

__________________

[CLOP CLOP CLOP… THUD!]

Kid, think of something!  Anything!  Whatever you’ve got in the tank, let’s do it.[6]

__________________

[6] HEY, I SAID I HAVE AN IDEA!  PEER HARD AT THE DOOR IN FRONT OF YOU!

__________________

…What are you staring at?  Did Cornelius say something?  Get your head in the game, kid![7]

__________________

[7] GOOD JOB PEERING!  NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AS TIGHT AS YOU CAN.

__________________

[THUDD!!  CRKK!]

            Kid, no pressure, but the door is starting to splinter.  Something just ran into it, hard.  One more blow like that and it’ll smash right in.  Hey, why are your eyes closed?[8]

__________________

[8] NOW CONCENTRATE.  REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAW IN FRONT OF YOU.  YOU SAW THE DOOR, RIGHT?  NOW OPEN YOUR EYES.

__________________

[CLOP CLOP CLOP]

            The thing out there is winding up for another attack – I think this might be it for us.  I’m sorry, kid.  I didn’t mean to drag you into all this.  I just –[9]

__________________

[9]READY?  GO, GO!  SAW THE DOOR!  REACH OUT AND GIVE IT A GOOD SLICE!

__________________

            Hey, what are you doing?  Why are you swinging your arm?  I’m trying to have a moment here!

[THWIKK!]

            Holy cow, kid!  You just cut the door clean in half![10]  How did you do that?

__________________

[10] THAT’S RIGHT.  I’M AWESOME.

__________________

[CLOP CLOP]

Never mind.  I don’t even want to know.  We’ve gotta get out of here before that thing bashes through.  Hurry up and throw yourself through the opening.

[CLOPPA CLOPPA CLOPPA]

            Roll out of the way, kid!  Don’t think, just roll!

[THWKKRKKK!]

            ….Okay, that was way too close.  Are you all right?  That thing didn’t trample you, did it?

Come on.  We’ve gotta keep moving.  That thing crashed through the door and slammed into the closet wall, so it could be stunned, but it’ll be back on its feet in a few seconds.

            So… you’re not gonna like this.  I caught a glimpse of that creature as it thundered past us.  It was big and weird, but its shape was unmistakable.  My wrong-side-up magic has struck again!

            Think about it.  We used chalk and cup lids to make a sundae.  Then we jumped in the closet, leaving the room empty.  It was desserted.

[SNORT.  CLOMP CLOMP]

            Uh oh.  That thing is waking up.  Prepare to run faster than you’ve ever run before.  We’re about to be chased by a chalk-lid moose.