Hurry, kid!  Run out into the hallway!  Now veer right!  We’ve got eight-hundred antlered pounds of fudge and chalk dust barreling down on us.  That thing has to be at least ten feet tall – if it smashes into us, we’re done for.

            Although, if we’re really lucky, the moose will be too big to fit through the door into the hallway.  Maybe we can trap it in the teacher’s lounge?  Hold up at the end of the hall – I want to see what happens.

            Wait for it….  Just a little longer….

            How are you holding up, by the way?  You good, kid?  Yeah, me too.  I just feel bad for the poor teacher who goes into that lounge.  I mean –

[SPLATTT!]

            Never mind, break’s over!  The moose just smashed into the doorframe and pushed through with whatever parts of it fit, like shoving a chocolate Easter bunny through a funnel.  The door took most of its head off, but it’s body is coming right for us!  Go, go, go!

[CLOPPITACLOPPITACLOPPITACLOPP]

            Man, that thing makes a lot of noise!  Turn left up here!  Now left again – I mean right!  Ugh, I can’t think when I’m stressed![1]

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[1] DO YOU WANT ME TO KICK IT?

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            At least there’s nobody in the halls to get trampled – they’re all safe inside their classrooms.  But what happens when class is over?  They’ll all come out and see you fleeing from a rampaging moose!  I bet you’ll get expelled.

            Turn right up here.  No, there!  Ugh, you passed it.

            Don’t look now, kid, but the moose’s face and antlers are growing back.  I hate to say it, but I think this thing may be unbeatable.[2]

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[2] I AM A REAL GOOD KICKER…

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            Still, nothing is pun-beatable, right?  Come on, kid.  We can do this – we’ve just got to outsmart it.  Ooh!  I have an idea!

            Left here.  Now right.  Now left, then right.  The moose has to slow down to make the turns, so we can gain some ground by changing directions.

            Great.  Now what we’re looking for is just ahead.  See that bulletin board on the wall up there?  Grab one of those pamphlets as we run by.

            Oh, hey!  I just thought of a joke!  Q. How do you stop a moose from charging?  A. unplug it from the wall!

            Sorry, not the time, I know.  Focus, Cordelia, focus!

Kid, turn right up here.

[SNORT, SNORT, CLOPPITACLOPPITACLOPPITACLOPP]

            All right.  Just ahead, the hallway opens into a broad atrium.  The ceilings are a lot higher there.  Moment of truth.  You still have that pamphlet in your hand?  Hold it with both hands and jump!

Great job – that worked perfectly!  That moose may be a better runner than us, but now we have a flyer.

            Woohoo!  We’re airborne!  Quick, kid!  Fly straight to the ceiling and let the moose under us.  We can head back the other way and hide somewhere before it has a chance to turn around.

            There it goes!  We should be safe now for a while.  Float down to the ground, and let’s double back.  Turn left up ahead and move towards the main entrance.  Right turn here, and –

            Shoot!  Dead end!  Just a solid row of lockers and a classroom full of kids ahead.  We’ll have to retrace our steps again and go a different way.  Where did I –

[SNORT]

            What?!  How did the moose catch up to us so quickly?  I didn’t even hear it coming!  Unless….

Ugh.

It took a snort-cut.

Right.  Well, this is it, kid.  The final decision.  We’ve got no time to turn around.  Do you want to stand our ground and face off against an angry chalk-lid moose[3], or should we take our chances in that classroom full of kids?  The choice is yours, kid.  Either way could be a disaster, but I’ll be here to support you.

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[3] KICK, KICK, KICKETY KICK.  JUST SAYING….

__________________

***

            Oh, thank goodness, you went for the classroom.  I was not ready to become roadkill this early in the heist.  Now hurry up and get the door open before the moose smashes into us!

[CLOPPITACLOPPITACLOPPITA…]

You’re through!  Now slam the door, quick!  Here it comes –

[CLOPPITACLOPPITA—SPLATTTT!]

            Wow, that moose really went for it!  Just plowed straight into the door and exploded.  They’ll be cleaning chocolate off the walls for weeks!  Now let’s figure out where we’ve ended up.  We’re not out of the woods yet.

            Turn around slowly, kid.  There’s about forty students here, and every one of them is staring at you like you’re a lunatic.  (I mean, you are still covered in spaghetti, after all….  Your shirt is so drenched in tomato sauce it can’t absorb any more.  And you took the bowl off your head.  Your disguise has become un-sauce-stainable.)

            Wait a minute….  These are high school students!  And they’re all holding musical instruments!  You’ve stumbled into an advanced orchestra class![4]

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[4] HEY, I LOVE ORCHESTRAS!  I USED TO PLAY THE DOUBLE BASS, BUT NOW I PLAY THE SHOE HORN.

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            Okay, just act natural.  Don’t make eye contact.  We’ll figure something out.  At times like this, all you need is a good misdirect, and you can distract everyone and escape.  Are you coming up with anything?  See something we can use as a diversion?

Concentrate, kid!  Just close your eyes and think, “misdirects.”  Something is bound to pop into your head.

            Wait, don’t say the word “misdirects” out loud!  You were just supposed to think it!  Now the class will think you’re even crazier!

            Okay, that’s it – you’re on your own!  If you’re just gonna say “misdirects” out loud like that, I have no idea how to salvage this.  So, I’ll sit here quietly and let you do your thing.  Do the best you can, and I’ll write down everything you say.  If you happen to make it out of this alive and not expelled, we can compare notes and think of ways to be less stupid the next time around.

Don’t worry, kid, I totally believe in you.

***

Cordelia’s Incredibly Detailed Notes of What Happened

GUY HOLDING A CLARINET:[5] Who are you?

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[5] THAT’S THAT BLACK PIPEY INSTRUMENT.  IT GOES, “DOOT DOOT DOOTA DOOT.”

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YOU (like a total weirdo): Misdirects.

CORDELIA: (Cringe.)

GIRL WITH VIOLIN IN THE FRONT:[6] (Frowns.)  Did you say, “Mister X?”

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[6] THAT GIRL IS CALLED THE “CONCERT MISTRESS.”  SHE IS THE BEST AT VIOLIN IN THE WHOLE ORCHESTRA.

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YOU: Um…. Yes?

GUY WITH CELLO:[7] Wait, is that ‘X’ like ‘Xanders?’  You’re Mr. Xanders?

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[7] A CELLO IS LIKE A VIOLIN SO BIG YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN TO PLAY IT.  IT GOES, “VOMMMM,” REAL LOW.

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YOU: …Uh, sure?

VIOLIN GIRL IN THE FRONT: (Her face lights up like a carnival tent) So, you’re the new orchestra teacher!  We thought you wouldn’t get here until next week!  We’ve just been running scales and doing sectionals with the substitute teachers, but now that you’re here, you can jump right in!

CORDELIA: (Sits in stupefied silence.)

YOU (gulping): Er, yeah.  Music.  Scales and stuff.  Right.

GUY WITH TINY TUBA:[8] Aw, man!  I wanted to do more blow-off classes!

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[8] THAT IS NOT A TUBA.  THAT IS A FRENCH HORN.  IT GOES, “BWOMM” OR “BWAAP,” DEPENDING HOW HARD YOU BLOW.

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GIRL SLOUCHED ACROSS A DOUBLE BASS:[9] Not me!  Whenever we break into sections, they always shove me in with the cellos.

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[9] THAT IS THE BEST INSTRUMENT.

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YOU (Staring desperately around the room): Yeah, um, okay.  Let’s, uh….

YOU (Raising your hands high in the air, like they do in movies): ….

WHOLE CLASS (Lifting their instruments; the violinists flipping their hair back and sideways in unison to tuck their instruments under their chins): ….

YOU (Pouring buckets of sweat into your sauce-drenched shirt): ….

WHOLE CLASS (Staring at you, waiting): ….

YOU: ….

CORDELIA: (Trying hard to keep a straight face.)

***

Okay, kid.  This is your time to shine!  I totally believe in you.  But, uh, do you have any musical training?  Anything at all?  You ever play a kazoo?  Okay, let’s build from that.  Just wave your arms around and think kazoo-ey thoughts!  How bad can it be?