Toji and the anishif girls picked up the scent after a full day and a half. Ava asked if they needed to stop and rest, but they assured the team they could continue without any issue. Natsu could believe this; even with himself, Ava, and Arla riding on Megura, and Toji and Lukas riding Evie, neither of them showed any signs of fatigue. Arla’s eyes had nearly bugged out of her skull when she saw how large the two anishifs were, even though she had seen their forms before. Evie, a red three-tailed orange fox, was only slightly smaller than Megura, a large gray wolf, but they both insisted they could carry the Divine without any trouble.
They were right; they ran faster than even Toji had given them credit for, their paws leaving the ground for several yards at a time, giving them the sensation of flying. Ava had to hold on tightly to Natsu for the first part of the trip because they were going so fast and she was scared she would fall off. Arla found the entire experience exhilarating and laughed at her older sister. Even the boys had to admit it wasn’t half bad. Lukas remarked that if the situation wasn’t so dire, he’d probably enjoy it more.
“Maybe we can go on a run together sometime when we get home,” Evie suggested.
Lukas was glad she couldn’t see his face flush. “Y-yeah,” he stammered. “That would be cool, sure.”
Toji glanced back at him, a mischievous glint in his eye and a sly crooked grin on his face. “Yeah, Lukas, you should definitely go on a run sometime with Evie. Just the two of you.”
Lukas glared at him. “I will throw you to the ground and not feel one ounce of remorse.”
“Is that so?” Natsu said from Megura’s back. He shot Lukas a look that made the bigger man rethink his threat. The girls snickered, amused how three little words could shut down the much larger Immortal man in no time flat.
“Fuckin’ conspiracy,” Lukas grumbled.
Toji snorted.
It was Toji who had caught the scent first, the anishifs only seconds after him. “We can rest if you want,” he said. “The trail is only another day or so old.”
“I have no need to rest,” Megura said.
“Neither do I,” Evie said. “I worry more for you, Master Toji. Are you in need of rest? Any of you?”
They all shook their heads, even Natsu.
“Tally ho,” Lukas said with a shrug. Evie giggled and released another burst of speed with Megura hot on her tails.
Late the next day, Natsu finally asked if they could stop for a little bit. They had been running through a dense forest and agreed it would be a good place to rest unseen. Toji helped him down, catching him as he stumbled.
He chuckled as Natsu held onto him, his thighs shaking from having squeezed them for so long during the ride. “Doing okay?” Toji asked.
“Yeah, I just really need to stretch a minute. I know everyone else does, too.” He nodded over to Ava and Arla who were stretching their arms and legs, their backs popping from the movements. Lukas took out a few bottles of water from the bag he was carrying and gave one to each of them. Megura and Evie, back in their demoness forms, chatted with them while Toji and Natsu stepped away.
When they were far enough away to be sure they wouldn’t be overheard, Natsu stopped them, making Toji turn to face him. He already knew what Natsu was going to say and his expression showed it.
“Tsu, I really don’t think—”
“You need to stop denying it, Toji.”
Toji swallowed. Natsu rarely called him by his given name anymore, not unless it was something serious. He walked over to a tree and leaned against it, his hands in his pockets. “Why?” he asked after a moment. “Why can’t I just pretend I’m no different than anyone else? That what’s going on isn’t real? It makes absolutely no sense, Natsu, none. Anishifs are demons. I’m a fucking god, okay? It shouldn’t be possible…”
“There is no other god in the universe that possesses demon energy,” Natsu said. “Toji was a shifter and you were created from his life force…his DNA combined with Hawk and Hero’s.”
Toji slid against the tree, his hands in his hair. “I’m not a shifter.”
“Toji—”
“I’m not!”
“Why are you so against it?” Natsu said, his own frustration growing. “What is so wrong with being an anishif? Tell me. You’re fine with having a planet’s worth of demon energy within you, but you can’t stand the idea you can change into a huge cat? Tell me how that makes any sense.”
“Natsu, it isn’t that the idea itself is something I’m against, or that being an anishif, or any type of shifter for that matter, is a bad thing. It’s…” he swallowed, looking away, his arms folded on his knees. “I’m a god…” he said softly. “That’s what I am. I can’t be anything else…I’m not supposed to be anything else.”
“For a minute there you toyed with the idea of being mortal to be with me because you couldn’t make me an Immortal.”
“That is not even close to being the same thing.”
“Then what? Talk to me, Toji, please. Tell me why this scares you so much.”
Toji’s fingers dug into his arms and he swallowed past the lump growing in his throat. His eyes welled with tears and he looked away, not wanting to see the concern in his fiance’s eyes. That alone would make him break and he didn’t have time for it. After a moment, he pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, stopping the tears from coming. No…he would not talk about this…not now. He knew Natsu was right, that he was scared, and that fear was pissing him off, making him deny everything. He’d been questioning all of this since he was a kid and had received no answers.
He’d begged his dad to tell him what was wrong with him, but Hero couldn’t help him. Since no one else knew, there was no one else to ask. He thought to ask Nox but put the idea out of his mind because he was sure he would tell Hawk. This dark secret, the worst part of himself, was coming out more and more, and it was now changing Natsu, something that he never wanted.
He took a deep breath and got to his knees. He stepped past Natsu without even glancing at him. “We need to get back,” he said.
Natsu gritted his teeth. “Are you serious?” he said, trying to keep his emotions in check. The last thing he needed was to weaken Toji with his own anger.
“Natsu, I’m really not in the mood to deal with this right now. I have other things to worry about besides myself.” He continued walking, head hanging, hands in his pockets.
Natsu stood rooted to the spot, stunned. Toji had never walked away from him like this. Outside of the fight they had a year ago, any time they had an issue, Toji stayed and they talked. For the first time, he was shutting Natsu out. He even felt something slam shut in their link and he knew it was everything Toji thought and felt about being an anishif. That hurt more than watching Toji walk away. He clenched his fist and swallowed hard, knowing that what he was about to say would hurt but he didn’t know what else to do.
“Coward.”
Toji froze but didn’t turn around.
Natsu’s chin quivered, his anger at being treated this way spilling over. “You’re a fucking coward, Toji Grace Helman. That you can just walk away from me, shut me out, and act like I’ll just let this go.”
Toji’s head turned, his one blue eye blazing. “Don’t.”
“Just because you’re too scared to face the truth, doesn’t mean I am, nor does it mean that I’m going to abandon you just because you think you’re something you’re not supposed to be.”
“Stop.”
“What is it you’re really afraid of, Toji? That you’re an anishif?”
“Natsu Kanaki, I swear to god…”
“Are you scared your family will turn on you if they found out? That I will? Because you have to believe that’s a bunch of bullshit.” Natsu knew he needed to stop…he needed to let it go…Toji’s demon energy was coming off him in waves, small sparks of electricity dancing over his arms.
He couldn’t stop…his anger wouldn’t let him. The tears that were running silently down his face wouldn’t let him. “Or is it…” shut up…right the fuck now, Kanaki… “that you think…” Natsu, stop…you’re only going to make it worse… “you’re a monster…” stop…stop…STOP… “and that you’re turning me into one?” You stupid fucking bastard…look what you’ve done….
The entire area around them turned dark as Toji’s dark energy exploded out of him. Natsu stayed where he was, refusing to show any sign of fear. What he did notice, however, was how the clouds seemed to stop at a certain point, rising and flowing against a thin dome wall and ceiling. He swallowed; Toji had put up a barrier…a very large one.
He kept his eyes on Toji, swiping violently at his face to rid himself of the hated tears. “Is that what it is, Toji?” he cried, his voice growing louder. “You’d rather be a coward and walk away than just admit that you’re afraid? I’m not becoming a demon, Toji—”
“I DON’T KNOW THAT!!” Toji roared, fully turning to face Natsu, his expression unreadable. “You’ve taken so much of me into you, you’re changing more and more every day, and I’m scared to death I’m turning you into something vile, something you’ll come to hate…that you’ll hate…” he gulped, his own tears coursing down his face.
“Anishifs. Are. Demons, Natsu. Do you not get that concept at all? If I’m an anishif, then I’m a demon and I’m turning you into a demon and if you become that, then I can never forgive myself, never!”
“You’re not a demon!”
“Look around you!” Toji spread his arms wide, the black clouds whirling around them, becoming more chaotic with red, blue, and purple flashes erupting throughout, while Toji’s body danced with white electricity. “Tell me how this doesn’t make me demonic. Something went wrong when I was made, it had to! No god has this power, not one, only me. No one in my family has one drop of this energy, and not one of them is a fucking freak! I shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t be an anishif, I shouldn’t have to worry about turning you into something terrifying!”
“You’re not!” Natsu took a step toward him but he backed away. “Neko, I’m not becoming a monster, okay? I’m not! Yes, I’m changing but it’s not because of anything demonic. I’m not a shifter, or an anishif, or any other kind of demon. I’m taking on your energy, your power, becoming more a part of you because I’m meant to! I’m your mate, Neko! Your soulmate, your husband, your lover, your best friend, your everything. What’s yours is mine by right. Just as what’s mine is yours. If not for me and my energy, this would be far more out of control and dangerous, don’t you think?” He waved at the clouds around them.
He took another step closer and this time Toji didn’t back away. “You’re not a freak, Neko,” he said, his voice calmer but still trembling.
Toji bit his bottom lip, his voice hitching with sobs. “I’m…a god…I’m not a demon…I don’t…I don’t want to be a demon! I don’t want you to be a demon!” He covered his face with his hands, the sobs coming louder. Natsu drew closer, his anger fading. As he walked, he began to consume and feed the dark cloud, encouraging it to return. Toji didn’t even notice as it obeyed Natsu’s commands.
“I’m scared!” he sobbed. “I’m scared of all of it. Of my power, my energy, my core, what I am and what I’m supposed to be. I’m scared I’m hurting you, that you’ll take so much of me into you that you’ll lose control, change and not be able to come back to yourself. I’m scared that if that ever happened…you’d hate me…”
He fell to his knees and Natsu knelt before him, taking him into his arms. “Why do I have this power?” he cried pitifully. “Why am I the only one…is it because of Toji’s life force? Is that it?” he clutched at the stone on his wrist. “The other two were made from stars, but me…why me…?” His hands fumbled at Natsu’s shirt as he bent forward, his head on Natsu’s stomach.
Natsu ran his fingers through Toji’s hair, saying nothing, his tears continuing to fall silently as the man he loved poured out his pain and his fears. He was not one for cliches and he wasn’t about to say anything he didn’t mean just to make Toji feel better.
“You were made for me,” he finally said in his soft voice. “I was alone and Toji made sure I was safe until you were ready to have me. You were created the way you are for me, Neko, no one else. Not your dads, not the Veil, only me. You’ve become a champion for creatures that no one would look twice at, a protector of people considered trash for no other reason than their leaders just didn’t want to deal with them.”
As Natsu talked, he felt Toji relax, his sobs fading into hiccups. His soothing tone and his warm energy waves surrounded Toji like a blanket as his energy continued to recede back into his core.
“You are an anishif. Or rather, it may be safe to say that the form itself lives within you, born in your core and fed by the power that keeps it going. I don’t know, but I do know that I felt it there, that I willingly took from it, and that I released a lot of that energy throughout your soul. That’s why more and more of those traits come out when your energy goes haywire. I knew what I was doing, Neko, and I don’t regret it. You were made for me…but I was also made for you. I was made to help you carry this power, to share in your darkness, to be the calm in the center of your storm. I was made to release the cat that was hidden deep within your core.”
Toji’s arms went around Natsu’s waist as his body relaxed, stretching out, his core finally calm.
“Knowing that, are you going to blame me for what’s been happening to you? You said so yourself, you changed completely once, and shifted a few times after that, and that was long before I came around.”
“I buried it,” Toji said, his voice hoarse. “It scared me so badly, so I buried it. Dad couldn’t help me, no one could, so I decided it was best to just hide it away and pretend it didn’t exist. I think that’s when I started losing more control over my dark energy. I don’t blame you for bringing it back out, Tsu. I could never blame you.”
“But you hate yourself because of what I did. You’re afraid for me because of it.”
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