With the amount of guilt trying to swallow me whole, I would have done anything to help Rin get back in Stephanie’s good graces. At least I thought I would. 

That thought was quickly proven false when he tried to drive while using his phone. Rin was the safest driver I knew. Meaning that him driving while using that unpracticed skill was like watching my grandpa try the tango. And I was forced to choose between my actual life and his shaky texting abilities.

I chose life after all.

“When we get back to the house you can take a shower, calm down a bit, then send her the most romantic text she’s ever seen.”

This helped his body untense and kept him from glancing at my bag every two seconds. To make sure he didn’t do something crazy like lunge at me for his device, I’d zipped his phone into my backpack and left it at that.

I don’t think stopping by my place after the hike was the original plan, but before we even got to the clearing, Rin and I agreed on it. 

Hiking was truly evil because not only were we cold on that mountain, we were sweaty. Not even my new found love for Rin distracted me from the fact that he smelled like stale Chad. The drive back was fun–we got creative with our mutual insults of each other's stank–but I was oh so ready to get out of the bacteria hot box we created.

Just thinking about the long, hot shower I was going to take had my eyes rolling back. I could not, would not, wait for Rin to go first. As Rin slowed down to a stop, I rushed out “last one to the door showers last!”

Anticipating my escape, I already had my bag in one hand and the seatbelt in the other. Rin cursed when I darted out of the car before he’d come to a full stop.

“Asshole!”

Rin’s shout got more and more distant as I jogged up the front steps, cackling in success. Nothing about that was fair but my back rolls were trying to glue themselves together.

Desperate times.

I made sure to put my hand on the doorknob then looked to see Rin’s reaction. Yet I’d barely turned around before he ran into me. He’d been running full speed trying to earn himself a miraculous win. The force of him made my back hit the wall but there wasn’t any pain. I just laughed as he steadied us, grumbling about cheating and what not.

“Sorry Rin,” I grinned evilly. “Rules are rules.”

“Rules are shit,” he laughed, tickling me when I went to unlock the door. “I actually can’t stand you.”

My parents–bless their hearts–were all frowns when we thundered into the house, laughing and running and making a whole contest out of getting into the shower. Rin decided the rules this time: a no holds barred race up the stairs where whoever gets both feet to the top first wins. Of course, I still got first place! Rin’s physicality was no match for the will of a sticky, sweaty boy desperate for water.

In fact, it was even sweeter strutting past with my towel and change of clothes while Rin sulked on the floor (he was too gross to sit anywhere else). It was sweeter because he knew I’d won the second race fair and square.

“Try not to stink up the room too much, Rin~”

“Great idea, Elliot.” 

My shoulder and neck were already reflected in the ensuite bathroom mirror when he tore off his shirt, smooth sweaty skin on full display. I gaped at him while he raised his arms then proceeded to flail his upper body around like one of those inflatable things at car dealerships. 

“I’ll just take off my shirt and wave my armpits around to spread this stench further.”

“That’s so fucking stupid!” I laughed at what honestly looked like an exhausting performance. Rin kept it up for a good 20 seconds before he stopped, laughing and holding his shoulder in pain.

I closed and locked the door, eager for some privacy. There was a smile lingering on my face but it dimmed a bit without Rin there to fuel it. This is what I loved about us. The silly, goofy moments that I wouldn’t trust anyone else with. Maybe I also loved them because it meant no one could judge us when we grappled in doorways and whispered into each others ears. No could one see us when we touched. 

Maybe the touching had always made these my favorite moments. Maybe I’d always been in love with him. It sucks that I realized it now when he had a girlfriend he valued and wanted to keep. But there was little chance I could have done anything even when he was single. 

It’s not like I could have turned him gay. Or made his appreciation for boobs an appreciation for balls.

Our friendship–our awesome, amazing, perfect friendship–couldn’t change. 

Wanting to become his boyfriend would be . . . preposterous, absolutely insane. Just trying to maintain our friendship after he finds out the shit I pulled was a much more realistic goal. I liked that goal.

Keep Rin in your life

I could do that.

To be considerate of the sweaty guy sitting in my bedroom, I kept the steamy hot shower short. I was slathering on the lotion when I remembered our movie marathon from the other day. Rin had undoubtedly used the time I was in the shower to earn Steph’s trust back. Maybe after Stephanie forgave him, he’d be up to finish the series (again). 

With fresh clothes and damp hair, I walked out of my bathroom humming and smiling. 

“So how’d it go with Steph?”

Rin wasn’t on the phone with Steph. 

He held his phone in one hand, the other holding up a piece of paper crumpled and creased from use. A paper representing hours and hours of misguided effort. A paper that clearly outlined how I’d almost succeeded in ruining my best friend’s relationship.

Rin stared at me blankly. Then, he calmly looked over to the shitty loose leaf.

“What is this?”

My heart dropped.

“Rin, I didn’t mean for you to-”

“Elliot, I asked what the hell is this?” He repeated, pushing the paper forward with wild eyes. 

“Because I know this isn’t proof that you tried to make me hate my first ever girlfriend,” he said, voice raising into a shout. “Because if it is, then you made Stephanie think I cheated on her!”

“If you would just listen-”

“Listen to what? All the selfish, egotistical, idiotic reasons why your opinions about my relationship gave you any right to pull this shit?!”

Rin stormed over to my computer and clicked the spacebar. Instantly the screen lit up to show Rin’s Instagram messages. As I thought, he remembered my computer password. But I forgot to log out of his account. Just going to the Instagram website would have proven that I did it. 

“Give me one good reason,” he challenged, hand tightly gripped around the edge of the desk. “One reason why any of this was okay.”

His skin was clammy and red, not from exhaustion but from anger. His body barely held back its true desire to express the disgust he had for me. Still, I felt some desperation. A clear hope that maybe I did have a reason that explained why I did any of this. 

“I don’t have one,” I admitted gently. “I was wrong and selfish and all those other words you used.”

Scoffing, Rin grabbed his jacket and started towards the door. A shot of panic ran through my body. I needed more time to explain. More time to convince him that our friendship was still worth something. But the chance was slipping out of my fingers.

Rin was slipping away. 

“I was going to tell you!” 

He paused, the door swung wide open. Panting I tried to remember what I’d planned to say. 

“That’s why I told you to make up with her,” I explained, slowly walking towards him. “I realized I made a mistake.”

“When?” He turned around, wet eyes boring into mine. “When did you realize that, huh?”

“Today,” I asserted. I didn’t look anywhere but his eyes, trying to convey how sorry I was. “You were supporting me and being the best friend anyone could ever ask for and I realized I’d made a mistake.”

Some of his anger melted, revealing a vulnerable shell underneath. The tension in his forehead released and his lips trembled. I reached a hand out, ready to draw him into a hug. But as my hand grazed his, the glare returned.

“Fuck you, Elly.”

My bedroom door got slammed in my face. 

I was forced to face my favorite photo of Rin and I, framed in all its glory. 

I couldn’t move. Because that would just make all of this real. 

My best friend, my closest ally, the man I loved more than anyone else in the world had lost all faith in me. 

And all I could do was stare at the picture of him and I, wishing we could go back.

I’m not sure how long I spent there, staring at our carefree middle school selves. But when I finally turned away, the first thing I did was pick up that stupid break up plan and rip it to shreds. 

The little pieces of paper drifted down to the floor. They were messy and unkempt and made my entire room look dirty. When the moisture in my eyes pooled and rolled down my cheeks, only those littered slips of paper made me feel better. 

Strangely, the knowledge that I’d made a mess of yet another thing in my life made my chest burn a little bit less. If only because it meant that with Rin out of my life, I couldn’t hurt him again. 

And that was something to be thankful for.

—————

Every time I saw Rin at school the next day, I felt pain. Even when he didn’t see me, the fact that I knew I’d disappointed him still hurt. And when he did see me, the way his face would twist in anger hurt a thousand times more. I know I deserved it, but that didn’t change how it felt. 

I dreaded heading into lunch and dealing with everyone’s reactions. Colby and Tyler’s disappointment. Stephanie and her posse’s rage. There was not a doubt in my mind that every meal to come would be a high school nightmare come true. 

James was an oasis in the desert. Completely removed from the situation, he talked to me and joked with me and in those moments, I could ignore the inevitable. That doesn’t mean things with him were normal. He could probably tell my answers were rehearsed at best and complete lies at worst. You know, when I say things like, “I’m doing well.” He never pushed for answers though, making him the only distraction I had.

When I walked into that cafeteria Monday afternoon, I was prepared. My heart was reinforced to take the weight of their judgment. 

My only wish was that no punches were thrown while they tried to show me how wrong I was.

Yet instead of punches, I got hugs. Stephanie was at our table again today. She hung off Rin’s arm and shoulder, a smiley bubbly ray of sunshine that my miserable body could hardly process.

Her and Rin had made up and she wasn’t trying to cut off my balls. Nothing about the scene made sense.

Making conversation was difficult when I was so confused. Especially when my plan had been to come, accept their different forms of hatred, then leave. Colby made up for my lack, peppering Stephanie with questions about how she and Rin had made up.

“It was all a silly misunderstanding!” she laughed, her joyful tone the exact opposite of the depressed ball she’d been just days earlier. “His Instagram got hacked. The scammer was just trying to get my information with some elaborate story.”

The three of them laughed while I looked up from my plate, catching Rin’s eyes. 

I didn’t deserve it: his kindness, his consideration. Any form of revenge would have been warranted but he protected me instead. 

Just another reason why I love the man who hates me.

The irony of it all was almost funny. I’d created the break up plan out of desperation, grappling to preserve our friendship for what it had always been. 

I wanted things to stay the same. 

Now, he and Stephanie were still together. I was the one he broke up with.

I thought about that for the rest of the day. Maybe if I’d understood my feelings, we would still be friends. In the future, I need to be honest with myself. I need to understand what I really want so I don’t hurt someone else.

So as I pushed through the doors of my high school and started the lonely walk back home, I pulled out my phone.

James picked up on the second ring.

“Hey, is that date offer still on the table?”