Okay, here goes nothing – let’s teach a music class! Why don’t we see what happens if you wiggle your pinky a little bit?[1]
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[1] HEY, LOOK DOWN HERE!
DO NOT LISTEN TO MY SISTER CORDELIA. SHE DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MUSIC. SHE IS ALSO COMPLETELY TONE DEAF. I CAN HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS CLASS. LISTEN CAREFULLY.
DO YOU SEE THAT BIG BOOK ON THE STAND IN FRONT OF YOU? THAT’S CALLED THE SCORE. IT’S GOT ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE PLAYERS. GO AHEAD AND OPEN IT. YOU SHOULD SEE A BUNCH OF LINES AND NOTES AND MUSIC STUFF:
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Hey, kid, come on! Everybody’s waiting for you![2]
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[2] DON’T WORRY, WE’RE ALMOST DONE. THE NOTES TELL EVERYONE WHEN TO PLAY. BUT THERE ARE OTHER MARKS THAT TELL WHEN NOT TO PLAY. SEE THAT THING IN THE VERY FIRST PART OF THE MUSIC?
THAT IS CALLED A REST. AND THAT’S THE PART TO FOCUS ON RIGHT NOW. TAKE A LOOK AGAIN AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
EVERYBODY PLAYS ONE NOTE TOGETHER, AND THEN THERE IS A REST. SO THAT IS YOUR ANSWER. GET EVERYONE THROUGH THAT FIRST NOTE, AND THEN THEY WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.
ARE YOU READY? HERE WE GO!
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Oh, good. You’re finally doing something, and you got everybody playing. In fact, it looks like they’re just going by themselves now.[3]
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[3] THEY ARE. THEY ARE TAKING CARE OF THE REST. THEY WILL PLAY UNTIL THEY’VE FINISHED THE WHOLE PIECE.
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Frankly, I never really saw the point of music – that was always Cornelius’s thing more than mine, though I’m pretty good at singing.[4] Still, it’s kind of fun to watch all the instruments working together. I mean, the woodwinds get the melody, then the trumpets take it and pass it down to the tiny tubas.[5] And the strings keep playing through the whole thing. I guess you can’t have orchestra music without violins.
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[4] SHE IS NOT. HER VOICE IS TERRIBLE.
[5] AGAIN: THOSE ARE FRENCH HORNS.
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It almost feels like we’re in the middle of a giant sound omelet, like –
Hold on. Did that girl in the middle just jab the guy next to her with her bow? I’m pretty sure I saw him wince.
Meh, it was probably just an accident. In fact, I bet things like that happen all the time when the music gets exciting. All these string players packed right next to each other sawing their bows back and forth. It’s amazing nobody ever loses an eye. I guess that’s the price you pay for art. I mean –
Wait, there! She did it again, I saw it! She took her bow and stabbed him right in the shoulder! He cried out, but everybody around him kept right on playing! So, he took his violin[6] and beaned her right back. What’s going on?
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[6] THAT IS A VIOLA, NOT A VIOLIN.
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Kid, you’ve got to do something to get things back on track. Quick! Wiggle your hands around!
Ugh. Nothing happened. They completely ignored you. Except, that kid in the back just clocked the girl in front of him with his clarinet! The violence is spreading! It’s like –
Oh no…. I see what’s going on, and it’s not going to end well. Kid, you’ve got to get everyone to stop playing, now!
Why aren’t they paying attention? Try pinching your fingers together and jerking your hands apart, like pulling a string. I think I’ve seen people do that on TV.
Absolutely no response. Except one trumpet guy stomped on the other trumpeter’s foot, and somebody lobbed a tambourine at the bass player. This is getting bad.
Maybe wave your hands in bigger circles? Any luck? Nope. If anything, the music is getting louder!
That girl just jabbed her flute up the other flutist’s nose! Then that keyboard guy almost slammed his piano lid down on percussion girl’s fingers before she whipped her hand away and smashed a cymbal into his face.
I’m sorry, kid. This is my fault. My words came out wrong-side-up again. Remember a few minutes ago? I said you couldn’t have orchestra music without violence. Now the fighting won’t stop until the violins do.[7]
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[7] AND THEY WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THEY HAVE FINISHED THE WHOLE PIECE.
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Hey, put that down! Kid, tell that girl to put her music stand down. This is a nightmare. How long does this piece go on?[8]
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[8] THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS. WE ARE ON THE LAST PAGE OF THE SCORE. THIS WILL BE OVER SOON. EXCEPT…
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Okay, hold on. Everything’s slowing down. The music is getting bigger and grander. That’s got to mean we’re close to the end, right? Yup: a giant chord, a dramatic pause; we’re almost done. Thank goodness, kid. If this had gone on much longer, the players would probably start breaking bones.
Wait. Why is Cornelius hopping up and down? What’s that symbol he’s jabbing his laces at?[9]
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[9] 
!
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Huh? What does that symbol mean?![10]
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[10] THAT IS A REPEAT SIGN. IT MEANS THEY WILL PLAY THE WHOLE THING OVER AGAIN.
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Hey, I’ve heard this part before. Are we back at the beginning? Wait, are they going to do all the music again? But we barely survived the first time!
Oh, man, somebody just threw a violin. they’re going to kill each other!
Kid, here’s a little thought experiment for you. If all the instruments in a symphony orchestra declared war on each other, who would win? Which instrument could do enough damage to knock out their fellow musicians before the curtain fell? Not the conductor, of course. She’s just there to keep the score. But there are thirty other people on stage, all howling for blood.
I think we’re about to see that experiment play out in real life.
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