It’s so cold. So bright.

When did it get so bright?

My eyes ache when I open them. The dark sky which was above me is now a cavern of unending white. I can’t feel my body, but I’m sure I’ve been standing for a while.

“Oh? I did not get notified of your arrival here.”

I turn around and see a stunning white jade throne. There’s a blurry figure seated on it. That’s all there is in the emptiness. “Am I dead?”

She smiles at me as I look up at her. “Where am I?”

“You are in my plane of existence…in other words, you are in Judgement.”

“Judgement?”

“Yes?”

Huh? Oh. She must be like Death. “Is your name also a noun?”

“You have met others that possess names of what they are?”

“I’ve met Death.”

“Hm, that seems to be the case, since you are here after having been hit by a bus, little soul.”

“No, I mean, I’ve met Death…the entity? Long black robes, pink soul-fire eyes?”

A strange expression appears on her face. She pulls out a thematically white cell phone. Even she has a phone? Coming to think of it, why didn’t that god have a phone? He couldn’t have sold it like me, that’s for sure.

She browses through her device carefully. Clearly the stitches don’t inconvenience her. “I see. So that is why Death has not sent me your record. It seems I am mistaken. You are not dead yet, little soul.”“I see. So that is why Death has not sent me your record. It seems I am mistaken. You are not dead yet, little soul.”

“Huh? But I…” I died, didn’t I? I ran in front of that bus, didn’t I?

Judgement looks at me, her lips pursed, somewhat tensed. “Little soul, I did receive a record, just now, but it is not yours.” “Little soul, I did receive a record, just now, but it is not yours.”

If it’s not mine then whose…

…

I know whose record it is.

Judgement’s face is solemn, she nods at me. I’m at a loss for words. Does this mean that I…killed someone?

“You did not kill them…they were fated to die at the very moment you chose to die.”

“But I stole their life! I-I chose to die!”

“Fate determines all.”

“What? N-No, I clearly…I was in his body, and his body was mine and I-I didn’t think my death would take the life of someone else–”

“Little soul, you did no such thing. And for that, I judge you rightly.”

But I killed Robert. I killed him by being him. The moment I became him, I…

“Little Soul, Fate is not in your hands. Your Fate…it will never be in your hands.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I don’t understand. I look up at her. As she smiles, her eyelids wrinkle along her smile lines and the stitches pull apart slightly, revealing white light underneath the threads. A shiver runs down my back and I look away. Something tells me not to look directly at her eyes. I fear for when she will tear those stitches apart.

“Little soul, you will wake up soon.”

“No, wait–I still have questions!”

“R-em0emb3r–” Her voice grows distorted in my ears. “Wait–!” 

Air pours into my lungs like water and I cough up blood violently on Sika’s bedroom floor. A severe pain like several needles penetrating my skin rapidly eats at my body. I gasp and clench the carpet fibres, trying to lift myself off the ground, but I can’t control my limbs. It’s like I’m being fried alive.

It hurts!

“–!!” I’m not able to form words. I want to scream for help, but I can’t! The carpet fibres fray in my hands, my fingers are bleeding. I begin to shake uncontrollably, blood leaks out of my nose. I clench my teeth and try to stifle the pain.

Help me. Please. Anyone.

“Yin! Oh God, Yin!” I hear the familiar voice of Sika echoing in my ears. He leans over me, face panicked as he tries to pry open my hands.

“Ngh!!” My fingers crack under the force of his grip. Tears form in my eyes as they roll back. The pain is overwhelming.

Sika tries to carry me in a panic, but I’m too heavy for him. “No, no, no this shouldn’t be happening!” He wails, yanking my shirt in a frenzy.

My eyes roll back far enough to see the frame of a door explode out of its place. A hurried set of footsteps enter the room. The pain turns into numbness, clouding my mind. I can’t see anything but blood. It’s seeping out of my eyes. “A-Agh!” I involuntarily cough and my mouth fills with the taste of metal. I’m scared, I’m so scared!

Is there no one…?

“Be not afraid. I got you.”

A voice I remember envelops my thoughts in a sudden calm as my body convulses violently on the floor. Two cold hands lift me up regardless of whatever I spat all over them. Another pair of hands–Sika’s–help lift me onto the back of the man and he holds my clenched fists in his, securing my shaking body.

“H-He needs a doctor now!” Sika’s voice is a whimper.

“Yes. Come!”

“He’s stable…now…”

“…to say…no clue…a seizure… all seven…orifices….”

“I will …”

…

……

………

“Mum…”

“Yin-ah! You awake, oh thank, thank! You safe, you safe now, mummy got you, mummy got you.” Mum’s warm hands cup my face gently, wiping away dry tears that formed when I was unconscious.

She’s here. She’s alive.

“…Mum!”

My hands are a bit shaky, but I’m able to wrap them around her index finger. My body is still stiff, I can only grab onto her hands little by little. I don’t care if I cry. The warmth of her hands, the softness of her shawl, the pace of her breathing…I’m so happy I get to feel it again. “I’m sorry…” I sniff and bury my face in her hair as she gives me a hug. “I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, “No dear boy, you did nothing wrong! Mummy so glad you okay!”

I open my eyes to meet hers. I must remember her at any cost. I can forget anyone else, but not her. I will carve into my soul the colour of hers. It flickers from her chest, black and delicate, like a thread of spider-silk. I don’t know why I can see it again after so many years. I don’t know why it’s so faint. “I love you, Mum.”

She smiles warmly at me and pats my head. No matter what age, I don’t think I’ll ever grow up for her. My voice comes out in a hoarse, childish wail, “I’m so glad to see you!”

She combs my hair back and wraps me in a very gentle hug, kissing my forehead. “I love you too, my boy. You rest now, okay? Just rest. I…give you time.”

“But–”

“No but. Mummy is fine. I need to talk to doctor.” She grins and gives me a thumbs up, “This time opposite lah! I take care of you!”

I watch her leave. Relief spreads across my body as I finally take a long deep, uninterrupted breath. The heart rate monitor beeps steadily.

Then I address the entity standing in the far end of the room.

“…Death.”