Fujoshi = Japanese for 'rotten girl' = A self-mocking nickname that women who love to read or watch Japanese romances between two men use. More than just a regular anime or Japanese media fan, the fujoshi is also often involved in 'shipping' boys from different media together to create boy love couples they enjoy.

I watch as she flees. As soon I held her, she stiffened in my arms and I could feel the panic settle inside her. I keep wishing I could help her. But to see that happy girl from today, who I spent time with, to see her stand up to bullies for me, and now to see her broken like that... How can I even combine the two?

I don't know.

When I came inside the hotel, I didn't go back to the ball, instead I just stood around, not knowing where to go. I don't know what I was waiting for, or who I was waiting for. But then Izzy came back in too, and she looked so lost. I don't know why, but I had to go over to her. I wanted to make her feel better, needed to make sure she was okay.

And then she told me that she wanted to kiss me. I've been feeling the same thing all day, at least all evening. How could I resist her?

As she steps into the elevator, she finally looks back at me for a moment, tears sliding down her cheeks.

Why do I feel like I may never talk to her again? Why do I feel like we just messed up everything? Like we won't be able to go back to how we were all day?

And why does that hurt so much?

Not that I should have expected anything else. What girl would want to date a guy who crossdresses? What girl would want a guy like me, someone who likes dressing up as a girl in his free time?

She may be friends with a crossdresser, but friends and dating are two totally different things. Maybe this is for the best.

But it doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like it's for the best, because now I've had her in my arms, now I've felt her lips on mine... I only want more.

Low voices come into the hallway and I recognise Ruby and Jason. Crap. Now what?

I guess I better face them right now rather than having to wait until the morning. Better now, because bruises are easier to hide when they're a couple of hours old. That way you at least know how much you'll have to hide. Don't ask me how I know...

When Jason spots me he doesn't look angry. It takes me by surprise.

They come over to me, but it's Jason who talks. "Did you see Izzy come in?"

I nod. "Yeah, we ran into each other just now."

He nods, looking a little troubled.

"She's on her way to the hotel room. She's... upset." I hurt her, I don't know how, but I hurt her, even though Ruby and Jason told me not to.

Jason nods again, I'm not sure how to read him.

"We kissed." I don't even know why I offer up the information. "She kissed me, and then got really upset. I don't know why. I'm sorry." Even saying it, I feel bad.

Jason's eyes grow. "Oh... F—" He stops himself. Then he looks at Ruby and again at me. "I think I should go check on her. Make sure she's okay."

Ruby looks worried now too. "Yeah. I'll tell the others where you are."

"See you tomorrow." Jason waves at the both of us before he's off towards the elevators too. That was one quick change.

I thought that they'd get angry with me, I thought that they'd be really angry. I made Izzy cry after they'd told me not to hurt her.

"Elliot." Ruby's voice makes me look at him. "Some things are just... not easy to explain."

I nod. "I know... I didn't mean to hurt her."

Ruby nods, his eyes going softer. "I know. It's just that, even the simplest of things can be really scary for Izzy." He sighs. "You coming back to the ball?"

I shake my head. "I'm going to my room. I think I've had enough of today."

"Sounds like a good plan." Ruby puts his hand on my shoulder, his grip firm. "Don't worry about it too much. It'll be okay." Then he walks off.

I don't know how I can't not worry about that just happened, but I guess that I'll just have to trust Ruby. I guess that I'll just have to try to get some sleep and see how everything is in the morning.

Right now, I don't even know if I want to come back out tomorrow. It just feels so scary.

Great...

***

I'm in jeans and a t-shirt as I'm having breakfast with Mya in the breakfast hall downstairs. I didn't feel like dressing up just yet. I barely slept last night, though I must have fallen asleep at some point, because when I woke up again Mya was in her bed too, fast asleep. She seems to have really hit it off with Kevin, and I need to stop myself from letting it bother me. I need to not get jealous over something so silly.

"You awake enough to talk?" Mya's voice is careful, and when she looks at me I know that she's worried.

I shake my head. "I don't even know what I should say. There isn't really much to talk about."

"You went out with Ruby, Jason and Izzy, and Ruby was the only one who came back in. Something must have happened." She keeps looking around the room and I know she's trying to find Kevin or the others, though I haven't seen any of them yet.

"Yeah. Sort of. Can we just... not talk about this?" I push at the egg on my plate, not feeling like eating anymore.

Mya sits up more. "There they are." She holds up her arm, and when I look up, I immediately lock eyes with Izzy.

Izzy's eyes flare for a moment, but then she pulls her lower lip between her teeth and her face falls. She tugs on Jason's shirt and then glances my way one last time before she turns around and leaves.

"Oh." Mya sounds disappointed. "She left."

"I'll be right back." I stand up. I need to talk to Izzy, I need to check that she's okay.

When I pass Jason by, he grabs my shirt for a moment. "Elliot." His voice stops me.

I glance at him. He has to know I want to talk to Izzy, he has to know I wouldn't hurt her.

"Check the hallways down the left side of the building, that's probably where she went." He lets go of me again, then he looks up at Mya and waves at her, putting on a smile.

Okay. That's good, right?

Right?

I leave the breakfast hall and take a turn left, to the downstairs hallways. When I look around, Izzy is leaning against the wall in one of the hallways, surrounded by some, for now, empty conference rooms.

"Izzy." I carefully go to her.

Izzy stiffens, and then wipes at her eyes. My heart sinks just watching her. When she looks up, her eyes are red and puffy, and filled with tears. "Morning." Her voice is raw and she looks away again.

"Morning." I step closer, close enough to touch her, but I keep my hands to myself.

"Why are you here?" She doesn't look at me as she talks.

"Making sure you're okay." I wish she'd look at me again. I wish she'd really talk to me.

"I'm okay. You can go." She crosses her arms in front of herself, trying to protect herself, but it only pulls my attention to the 'fujoshi 4 ever' shirt she's wearing and the black and white striped skirt with long rainbow striped socks under them. She's not wearing any shoes. She looks adorable like this.

"Izzy..." I reach out, but then pull my hand back. "I didn't want to hurt you. I just want to make you happy."

Her face constricts. "It's not that easy."

"Why not?" Why does it have to get shut down already, we've not even tried.

But she stays quiet.

"I liked the kiss." Until she froze up, that is.

She reaches up, running her fingers through her hair, still looking away. "Me too..."

"Can I ask what happened?" Something, just give me something.

"I got overwhelmed and did something impulsive." Her face and her neck colour a little. "And don't laugh at that."

Why would I laugh? She seems so pained by it. She seems so pained by all of what happened. "Can we kiss again?"

Izzy's eyes shoot up to me, the need in them so strong, but then she shakes her head. "It's better if we don't."

"Why?" I know she wants it.

"Because I'm not... I'm not who I look like. I just..." She shakes her head, hiding behind her hair. "It's better for both of us if we don't do this."

"Why?"

"You could hurt me, even if you don't mean to. I could hurt you. This is just too much. I'm sorry." She looks up, her eyes filled with tears again, then she puts her hand on my chest. "I wish I could explain it better. But this isn't the time or the place for that. I'm sorry."

Before she can pull back, I take her hand, keeping it to my chest, letting her feel how hard my heart is racing. "I wish you'd explain it. I really want to get to know you better." I step in closer and Izzy steps back against the wall. "You make my heart beat like crazy. Your smile means I can't not smile back. And your tears..." I reach up, slowly sliding my other hand over her cheek, her wet cheek. "They break my heart. I know it's crazy. We barely know each other. But I would like to get to know you better. From the moment I saw you... I knew I had to get to know you."

"Elliot..." Her voice is soft, but she doesn't look away.

"You know about me dressing up in women's clothing. You know one of my biggest secrets. And it doesn't scare you off. You accept me no matter what I look like. Right?"

Her face distorts, her lower lip wobbling, her breath irregular. I did something wrong, I said something wrong. She locks herself away from me. "I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know... I..." Izzy pulls away, her eyes going over me, then she wraps her arms around herself tightly. "I don't think this is a good idea. Sorry." And she flees again, to the elevators, gone again.

I look after her, my chest hurting. I wish I knew how to take that pain away from her. She's so beautiful, so amazing. I love her spark. But she keeps pushing me away. She keeps pulling me closer and then push me away again.

I take a deep breath and go back to the breakfast room. I can't even get to my own hotel room right now. I need to get my keys, which I left on the table. But it also means facing Jason again, and Mya.

Am I just making a mistake? A big mistake?

When I get back to the table, it's just Jason, and I spot Mya getting herself some more coffee from the machine.

"Hey." I sit down, I guess I can stay here, it's not like my room is going to be any more fun.

"No Izzy with you?" Jason doesn't seem surprised.

I shake my head. "She told me that it's better if we... if we don't... I don't know." I put my arms on the table, putting my head on top of them. "Can you give me any indication if this is even a good idea?" Am I reading her wrong? I thought she really wanted me too. She didn't say that she didn't want me, or that she wanted me to stop. She just said that we shouldn't.

"She likes you." Jason sounds serious, and I almost want to look up at him. "Give her time. You're the first person she's ever kissed. Let her get used to that idea, give her time."

I sit up. "Her first?" Izzy? She seems so easy around people, a little flirty even.

"Yeah." Jason frowns at me. "Her first."

"Ah, dammit." So that's what she meant by impulsive. "But you think that she may come around?"

"For you? Maybe." He shrugs. "That's all I've got. Sorry. She's my best friend, but there are things that we just..." He looks at his hands. "There are things that we've not gone through before. Izzy having a boyfriend is one of them."

I nod. Right. Not like Mya and I have. "Thanks."

If Jason thinks that we may have a chance, then maybe not all is lost, yet.

Maybe...