Otaku = Japanese word usually used to describe people obsessed with anime, manga and video games. This word has a negative tone, though it's being used more and more as a point of pride. Being an otaku means that you have a great passion for something, even if it's unconventional or if others think you're too passionate. Around here, people tend to refer to themselves as otakus when their interest is mostly on Japanese anime, manga and games, unlike geek or nerd which are more focused on western media.

This weekend was interesting, with all its ups and downs. I'm totally exhausted, but I don't know how easily I'll fall asleep tonight. The butterflies in my stomach keep me way too awake and active and just knowing that I'll be seeing Elliot again next weekend already makes me nervous.

Going from just being here and not even thinking or considering finding someone I'd fall in love with, to having a boyfriend and already having plans to see each other again... It's a lot.

I can't help my constant smile and no matter how scary the prospect of doing anything more than just kissing with Elliot is, it doesn't spiral me into panic and that's a good thing.

Jason comes out of the bathroom, wearing sweats and a shirt, and he's still drying his hair from the shower. When he looks at me, he smiles. "You're not going to keep me awake all night with your tossing and turning, right?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

This is new. This whole boyfriend-thing is something totally new for me and I have no idea how I'm supposed to act or how I'm supposed to calm down again. I've had my fair share of crushes, but this is different. This is not just a crush, Elliot is actually interested in me too.

"Fair enough." He grins. "We add two people to the con group, and suddenly we've got six people in relationships instead of just Evelyn and Mark. That's got to be some special magic right there." He sits on his bed. "Are you okay?"

I nod.

"Anxious?"

I nod again.

"I know you'll be fine."

"You'd be the one who'd know." I smile at him.

After one of my parents' friend's daughter, who was also trans, committed suicide, we moved to Utrecht. My parents believed that if I wasn't constantly reminded of the ways I was different from others by people who'd seen me grow up, I may be able to be myself more. And if I could be myself, maybe I wouldn't always feel bad, maybe I'd be happier. They weren't wrong.

The first day of class, I showed up in lolita gothic dress and Jason complimented me on it. Back then, he was more into the androgynous look, though he definitely went more experimental as we got to know each other better. I told him about me being trans pretty early on, just because it felt better that he knew. Especially since he was into the whole crossdressing thing.

Back then, I was just on hormone blockers so I wouldn't get facial hair and my voice wouldn't drop and stuff like that. Doctors don't start giving you cross-sex hormones until you're much older. I was so frustrated by it, especially since girls around me were getting boobs and I was still flat as a pancake. But with Jason by my side, I was able to experiment a lot and he never treated me as anything than just another girl.

We didn't have many other friends in school, but that didn't matter. We had each other and later on we met others online and at conventions who were also into anime and cosplaying and everything. So that was cool with me.

"And I'll be right." Jason winks. "And because I'll be right, you'll be able to sleep tonight."

"Not so sure about that." I grin. "But I'll try." Luckily, we won't have that long of a travel tomorrow, and we don't have too many bags with us, for us anyway. It's still four bags each for all our outfits.

"Please do try. We need to leave tomorrow and I kind of would like to actually have some of my day or energy left when we reach home." He turns to his side, ready to fall asleep.

I guess sleeping is a good idea now... Probably. Likely.

But those butterflies inside just won't die down.

***

The next morning, I don't see Elliot or Mya at breakfast, and when I message Elliot, he's apparently just waking up and they have to hurry to catch the train home.

I'm a little disappointed, but I guess it's not a bad thing that I don't see him today. I don't know how to feel about saying goodbye and everything. But it's also a little sad, no matter what.

After breakfast Jason and I also finish packing our bags and as we're packing the last things up, there is a knock on the door. My heart skips a beat, not just from the surprise but also because it could be Elliot. Maybe?

But as I open the door, it's Ruby instead. "Hey." He grins.

"Hey." I smile, but I guess my disappointment is visible.

"Not who you hoped?" He looks at me.

"Not who I expected." I step to the side. "You all packed yet?"

"Yeah, I'm ready to go home." He comes inside, looking over to Jason. "Morning."

"Morning." Jason sits down on the bed.

"I was just checking in, seeing if you're all good and to invite you to a party in a couple of weeks." He grins again.

"Party?" I look to him.

"Yep. Birthday party, I'm turning twenty-two and thought it would probably be a good time to celebrate and all."

"Nice." I always forget that Ruby is not that much older than the rest of us, he just looks older because he's just so tall and broad and everything. "When is it?"

"Not exactly sure yet. Start of September." Then he eyes me. "You can take your boyfriend, if you want to." He winks.

My face heats up. Of course, he now reminds me of that... "Thanks. I'll try to remember that."

"Good." He nods. "Well, just wanted to tell you face-to-face. And see that you'll be off well." He looks at me, his eyes soft. "Did you have a good weekend?"

I nod, my cheeks still hot. "Yeah. It was good. It was different, but good."

"I'm happy. And I'm happy you've decided to not stick to your 'no kissing and no dating' rule. It's good to see you like this. It's adorable."

I'm not sure what to answer.

"Elliot seems like a good guy and happy to be with you, so, that's a definite plus in my book." Ruby comes closer. "Now, I'm giving you a quick hug and then I need to grab my things to leave."

I look up at Ruby, smiling. "I'll probably talk to you tonight or whenever." I open my arms and he gives me a tight hug.

"Yeah. I'll talk to you soon." When he lets go of me, I don't know what to think about the way he looks at me. It's almost like he's a big brother or something, protective of his little sister. Then he goes over to Jason, giving him a hug too. "Make sure to get her out of her room once in a while and that you don't get locked into your room either."

Jason laughs. "You're telling us? Pretty sure it was you who hadn't seen the sun in weeks before coming here."

Ruby shrugs. "Maybe." He steps back, giving a small wave. "Okay. I'm out of here. Time to go home."

"Talk to you soon." I wave back at him.

When the door closes behind Ruby, Jason looks at me. "We should finish up soon too and check out."

Yeah. Going home. Leaving this weekend, this place, behind us again.

Time to face the real world and the things that that means, whatever it means anymore. How can it feel like so much has changed, even if it's not a big thing?

So, I got a boyfriend. No big deal, right?

It still feels like a big deal.

***

The trip home isn't too long, luckily, just a short bus trip to the train station, and then a train to Utrecht before we take a bus into the city. Jason and I both still live with our parents, and just a block away from each other. We can almost see the other's house, but Jason's place is just around a corner, so right out of view.

That was the best part of becoming friends with him. We live so close together that we could always hang out and our parents didn't care. They even hang out together when we're not around. I guess both having gender non-conforming kids means that they've got something to talk about. That, and Jason's parents are as easy in letting us do things as my parents are. We've gotten into a lot of trouble together, but nothing too major, really. Just silly stuff.

"Need me to help you carry stuff upstairs?" Jason looks at me as we're standing in front of my house.

"Nah, I'll be fine." I grin. "I'll let Mom do it."

Jason lets out a short laugh. "You're the worst."

"I know." I shrug a little. "Nah, I think I'm gonna wanna go in on my own. They're going to want to, you know, know about things that happened."

"Ah, yeah. You're going to get the talk, finally." He's far too giddy about that.

"Potentially." I can't help my own smile.

Jason's eyes soften. "You look happy. You look happy and in love."

I nod, swallowing hard. "Yeah. I think I feel like that too. It's still a little confusing."

He quickly wraps an arm around my shoulders. "Hey, you're fine. Your first boyfriend. That's a pretty normal teenager experience, including the anxiety."

I nod, leaning against him. "I guess."

"You're a beautiful girl, someone was bound to fall for you at some point. I'm just surprised it took so long."

My heart falls a little. "Why?"

"Because you're amazing. You're smart, cool and way too funny. That, and you're cute."

"It's because everyone always assumes that you're my boyfriend." But his words do me well. I know that people see me as a girl, I look like what most people expect girls to look like. But I'm always scared and awkward around people I like. And it's not that nobody ever confessed to me, but I've never felt safe enough to accept their feelings. Something that I really feel scared about with Elliot for some reason, not too much anyway.

"Well, that's a stupid reason for not trying to get to know you. If they're only out to be your boyfriend and not your friend and fail to get to really know you. That's their loss."

"Just boys?" I smile a little.

Jason lets out another short laugh. "Girls are more awkward anyway. Girls flirting with other girls... It's always funny to watch or to hear about. What is it about girls flirting with each other and not knowing if it's flirting or not?"

"I don't know." I remember seeing my friend Alex with her new girlfriend a couple of weeks back. They'd met in Destruction of Elysium, and for the longest time, they didn't confess to each other. Too awkward and unsure if what the other was doing was flirting. But seeing them together at a party. It was hard not to see it. That attraction, that look in their eyes. They were head over heels. I wonder if Elliot and I looked like that too this weekend.

"I've got to admit." Jason tightens his arm around me a little. "Sometimes I wasn't sure if I was watching two girls awkwardly flirt anyway this weekend. The way Elliot and you were acting towards each other..."

I try to move my arm to poke him in his side, but the way he's got his arm tightened around my shoulders prevents me from doing anything. "Meany."

"Nah." He lets me go, smiling. "It was good to watch. I know you've been worried, and I know you've wanted to try dating someone for a long time. I'm just happy for you. I'm just happy you've found someone. And he seems really good to you too."

I nod. "Yeah. He makes me happy."

"And that's all that I care about." He steps back. "Okay. I'm off. I need to use the loo like crazy and you've got to face the parents."

"I know." I take a deep breath. "Talk to you as soon as they let me go."

"I want to know everything." Jason grins, pulling his backpack higher on his shoulders and grabbing his other bags. Then he turns around. "Later." And he walks off.

"Later." I watch him for a moment and then grab my own things, getting them over to the door before I open it. "I'm home!" I step inside, the cool house welcome after the summer heat outside.

"Welcome home," Mom calls from the kitchen. "How was it? Did you have a good trip?" I hear some movement and then she steps into the hallway, carrying a plate with some sandwiches. "I was about to have lunch. Are you hungry?"

"I'm good." I put my bags down and close the door behind me.

"Okay. Tell me everything. Did you have a good time at AmAnime?" She motions for me to follow her back into the kitchen. "I was sitting out back."

"I had a good time." I follow her and grab one of the bottles of water from the counter, opening it and taking a sip. Then I watch Mom sitting down in one of the chairs out back. "You may want to wait with that." I eye her as she was about to take a bite from her sandwich.

She puts it down as she frowns my way. "Why?"

"I... ehh..." How am I going to tell her?

"It's nothing serious, right?" She's frowning more.

"No. It's not. It's good." I almost fall over my words. "I... I got a boyfriend." The grin spreading over my face makes my cheeks ache.

Mum blinks a moment. "A boyfriend?"

I nod.

"Really?" Is that excitement in her voice?

"Really. His name is Elliot and we met at AmAnime. He was cosplaying Aoi from Magical Princess Club." I sit down on the other chair, my heart beating fast.

"Genderswapped?" My mum knows these things, and she knows my friends. This is a totally valid question.

"No. Crossplay. He looked really good. We won first price in the competition together." My cheeks ache from my grinning.

"Congrats. And, of course, congratulations on the boyfriend too." She's also grinning, her eyes sparkling. "So, tell me more about him. What I'm hearing, I like him already. Aoi is a great cosplay choice."

I nod, my heart beating fast and I need to purposefully stretch my cheeks so they stop aching for a moment.

"You should see the pictures of us." I grab my phone, scrolling through the ones I took this weekend. "Look. These aren't all of them, Justin has some really nice ones too."

Finally someone to share my excitement with who hasn't seen him yet. Finally something typically teenager to share with my mom.

Moments like this, when I feel like what I think a typical girl feels like, it makes everything worth it. When I feel 'normal'.