Shoujo = Literally means young woman in Japanese. This term is used to describe media like manga and anime focused on teen girls. The most common theme in them are romantic relationships and a high focus on emotions of the characters. I love reading them because they can give you that gooey feeling inside and that makes me happy.

I'm stuck between Jason and Elliot on the couch in the living room. We're eating pizza and watching an episode of the new Frankenstein series with Sean Bean. Apparently not everyone was into Bones and the gore that comes with it. Though, I'm not sure that Frankenstein is a much better choice on that front. But I don't care. I'm happy right where I am and that's all that counts right now.

Elliot coming over was scary and then the whole making out and me freaking out a little during making out thing... but it's good now. Now Elliot is here a little longer, I'm not as nervous anymore and I'm not going to make out with him right in front of my parents. That's not something I want to do, really.

But just sitting here, everyone around, it's very calming and I guess I could get used to this.

Dad looked a little odd as he saw Elliot, but they hit it off when Elliot said something about a book he'd read or was reading or something, and that seemed to make my dad like him. Figures.

When I'm alone with Elliot, I keep wanting to touch him, I keep wanting to kiss him and everything. I never thought I was someone like that, someone who just couldn't stop touching the person they liked, but apparently I am. It's just that with my body not exactly being the way that I feel like I should be, I don't really know how to do things with him. What does he expect from me? What do I want him to do? What do I not want him to do? I don't know. And that's the frustrating part.

I have no idea. I have no idea how to do all these things that normal couples do, and I don't know if it's any use to ask Jason or someone else. They're cis couples, and my problems are more related to me being trans. But who can I talk to? Sure, I've got trans friends online, but that just feels so awkward. Just... I don't know.

Elliot's fingers trail over my arm, his touch warm. I glance his way, not sure how to react to him, how to act now. But he's just smiling, happy. Then his eyes go back to the TV and I slide my hand along his, entwining our fingers. Touching him makes the butterflies in my stomach only worse. But it also feels good, and he's so warm, but not too sticky in this hot weather.

After the episode ends, I get up, looking at the two guys on the couch. "I think there is a Soulcalibur contest to be played. Right?"

Jason and Elliot look at each other and then they both nod. Elliot stands up first, stepping close to me. "Of course." He's grinning and I can't help my own grin.

"Did Izzy warn you yet? I am quite good at it." Jason also stands up, putting the empty pizza boxes on top of each other on the table.

"That's what everyone says." Elliot laughs and we get back up to my room. I'm walking between Jason, who is in front of me, and Elliot, who is behind me, and I'm just hoping that their friendly banter really is friendly and not just them trying to be nice to each other because I'm around... That would be a bad thing.

It's not like Jason and I are like that, but I know that some girls Jason dated would really see me as 'competition' or something, even though I have no interest in him like that. We just hang out a lot, always having fun. He's my best friend, we understand each other in ways that many others never do, although, maybe Elliot does too. Jason did joke at one point that I was more likely to start hitting on one of the girls he would date than I'd ever see him like that, and he wasn't wrong. Though, he'd never say it when they were around, some people do not take jokes like that lightly, especially people who would worry about me trying to 'steal' him away in the first place.

I grab Jason's bag with the GameCube, go over to my TV and turn it on, looking over to the guys. "Where do you want to sit?" I start unpacking the old console, connecting the cables to my TV on autopilot. I don't have a GameCube, but Jason brings his over often enough for me to do this at least a couple of times a month.

"Beanbag for me." Jason flops down into one.

"Eh, I guess for me too." When I look back, Elliot is looking a little awkward, standing in the middle of the room. "It's easier with the cables and stuff." He shrugs.

I smile a little. "I'm good with anything. You're going to be competing against each other, I'm just watching." I connect the controllers to the machine and then step over to them, giving them both a controller. Then I go to the back of my room and grab my fluffy blanket before I go back to them. It may be really warm today, but I prefer to sit on this and not just on the couch, always.

When I get back, they've already chosen their characters. Jason is Ivy and Elliot is Kilik, of course. That was to be expected with these.

"You ready?" Jason looks back at me. "Going to watch how I kick your boyfriend's ass in this game?"

"Hey." Elliot almost sounds offended, but then he grins. "I'm going to be the one kicking your ass. Watch me."

I let out a short sigh and then slump down on the couch. "All words. I want to see action."

They both grin as they turn back to the game and Jason starts the battle.

They immediately go for it, hitting each other, using special moves. It's great fun to watch, since they're pretty evenly matched. I just lean back, watching what is going on on the screen and not worrying about the rest too much. This is much better than constantly worrying, much much better. This I know.

Playing videogames and competing against each other are things I know how to do.

***

It's late when Jason leaves, way past midnight, and when he closes the door to my room, things immediately get more awkward. Elliot and I are alone again, and we're going to sleep soon... We're going to be sleeping in the same room and we'll have to change to get to bed and everything...

I bite my lip, trying to not let panic come over me. I don't even change in front of Jason, I don't ever let anyone see me without clothes. I don't.

"Izzy?" Elliot comes closer, his eyes soft, and also filled with sleepiness. "Did you have fun?"

I nod. "Yeah." After playing Soulcalibur for a couple of rounds, we played Mario Kart instead, because we could all play that together and at least I was better at it than Soulcalibur.

"Good." He smiles, reaching out and doing that thing where he softly touches my face, like I'm precious or something. But it's not the touch that makes the feelings shoot through me, it's the look in his eyes, that protective look. That doting look that I've only ever seen on people looking at people who aren't me.

"I think we should go to sleep." I break eye contact with him, my cheeks heating up.

"Probably." His voice is lower now. "Where do you want me to sleep?"

Where do I want him to sleep? What? I blink. "What?"

"I can sleep on the couch, or an extra mattress or something. I don't know if you..." His face is now colouring too.

Oh. I presumed he'd want to sleep in my bed.

"Unless you want me to?" He's so careful, giving me the option to back out before I even have to come up with awkward ways to turn him down.

"I..." I shrug, a little overwhelmed. "I don't know."

"Okay." He smiles, shrugging. "We still need to change anyway, so we can decide later." He looks around for his bag. "Do you want to get changed first?"

"Yeah." My voice is quiet, my heart beating really fast, my whole body on high alert. I turn and go over to my closet, picking up a cute top and pj shorts, since a full pyjama is much too hot in this weather. I'm really aware of Elliot being close by and I grab a different pair of underwear, one that's more comfortable to sleep in right now. Then I go down the stairs, to the bathroom and lock the door behind me, taking a couple of deep breaths.

Elliot sleeping in my bed, or sleeping on a mattress, or something else? What can I do? What would be the right idea? Would he expect anything from me if I let him sleep in my bed? And what if we end up pushed against each other and I get a bodily response? Would that freak him out?

Would I freak out if he had a response like that to me being next to him in bed?

I let out a groan, not liking all these things going through my head at all. Why is this all so hard? This is one of those moments where I wished I was just 'normal', no matter how unlikely that thought even is. I wished I didn't have to go through all of this stress just because I like someone.

I quickly strip down and put my night clothes on. Then I brush my teeth and grab the clothes I was wearing before.

Time to face Elliot, time to decide what I want to do for the night, because I still have no idea...

I get back up the stairs and Elliot is sitting on the couch, looking at me, smiling.

"That's a really cute pair of pj's." He stands up, coming over to me and then trails his fingers over my bare shoulder. I may have chosen something that is cute and a little sexy too. I didn't want to go totally unsexy, I am going to be sleeping in the same room as the guy I like. I get to dress up a little for that...

"Thanks." My face heats up again. "Ordered them from Japan. They were too cute to resist."

"I can imagine." He lets out a laugh and when I look up at him he flashes me a grin. "I'll be right back." He gives me a quick kiss on my bare shoulder before he dashes off with a stack of clothes too.

I put my clothes on a chair and then go over to my bed, looking around. I could put a mattress on the floor next to the bed, I have the space and the spare, but also... My bed is big enough and we could just sleep on either side of the bed, or something like that. I don't know. I really have no idea. This is hard.

I like the idea of being able to touch him and everything, but then what happens next? I know he keeps saying that I'm the one who decides what happens next, but what if I don't have a clue either? What if I don't even know what I want myself? Then what?

Arg!