I was starting to think there may be some truth to Evie’s comment about Rowan. When I got home Tuesday afternoon, I had a friend request from him on Facebook waiting for me to accept or deny.

Rolling my eyes, I decided to ignore it for now. Evie would surely want to discuss it with me first. 

I exited the internet and opened my chemistry report, starting to work on the prac writeup when a knock on the door not long in pulled me from my thoughts. Especially considering I thought I was home alone.

To my surprise, April’s head popped in. “Can you make some time this evening for a family discussion?” she asked.

Brows furrowed, I gave her a hesitant nod. Before I could ask what it was about, she retreated, closing the door behind her, footsteps heading back to her bedroom.

Mum was washing dishes in the kitchen after we wrapped up dinner, with April and I playing on our phones on the couch while we awaited her to join us in the living room. Dad’s eyes were glued to the evening news.

But once mum sat down on the spare seat, April reached for the remote, switching the TV off.

“I was watching that,” dad grumbled.

“And I have some important news to talk about with the family before you go to Brisbane,” she said, sitting up straight. 

It was the most serious and focussed I had seen her on anything since before it happened. As I let my eyes glide over her, I noticed how clean her face was. No signs of makeup. Hair pulled back, exposing her neck. Donning her pjs pretty early for the night. While she still wasn’t close to my sister, traces of April peeked through the woman sitting in front of me, and my heart glowed in hope for whatever she had to say.

But then she said, “I’m moving out.”

“No,” I said instantly.

Her eyes flickered to me, tired, wary, piercing, before she looked at our parents.

“Why?” dad asked first.

“Because I think it’s time I start taking on some responsibility. With a need to work, pay rent and bills, look after a house, I think I might be able to finally get my life back on track.”

“April, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” mum trailed off.

“I already have a temporary job lined up to get me started. I just need some money for the bond and some furniture, but I’ve found a place. Found some source of income.”

“What job?” dad asked.

“A… lollipop lady.”

“With the stick?” I asked. “Like for school crossings?”

She nodded, the corners of her lips almost turning up. We used to always joke about the types of people who take such a job. It seemed tedious to go out in the heat in a high-vis vest just to hold up a stop sign for kids to cross. We would always wonder how desperate one would have to be to work a job like that...

“It’s not a permanent thing. Only available in the school terms, obviously, but I’m hoping to find something more concrete. Actually, I am also considering saving some money to go to TAFE and get some admin qualifications so that I can get a more stable job.”

“April… I agree a job will do you good and study will do you good,” mum started, “But I think this is all too much at once. I say get a job and work for a while. Then do your study. That way you can save your money and then move out if that’s what you want.”

“I think I need a jump start. All this responsibility at once will do me good. It’s a drastic shift that might make me really focus. I need some focus. No room to think…”

“I don’t want you living on your own, honey,” mum then said.

“I won’t be alone,” April hurriedly replied. “I’m moving in with Oliver.”

“No,” dad immediately said. “No moving in with boyfriends.”

“Don’t even give me that. You and mum were hooking up behind nonna and nonno’s back despite their disapproval. And you know I’m not a virgin, so don’t think me living with a girl over a boy is going to save my soul or whatever crap you’re thinking. We all know by now that I’m not going to heaven or anything.” She rolled her eyes at her final comment, briefly reminding me of her thirteen-year-old self. 

My parents saw it too, the brief flicker of April, which caused them to smile. 

“I guess we can loan you the money,” mum caved.

“No,” I then said loudly. “Don’t tell me you’re actually considering this.”

“May, your sister is a grown up and it’s time she learns properly how to be one.”

“She cannot be on her own. What if something happens again?”

“Then Oliver will be there.”

“And what if he is at work?”

“May,” April said softly, “I’ll be fine. Promise.” Her eyes were distant, the shred of my sister looking through the grey veil she was starting to erect once more. “I need this.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I looked away from her. As they continued to discuss logistics, furniture she’d need, where she was moving, I couldn’t stand the conversation any longer. Getting to my feet, I stormed up the stairs, slamming my door shut behind me. 

I was sketching my art project at my desk when April lightly knocked on the door before walking in. 

“What?” I spat, barely looking up from my work.

She gently closed the door behind her. “If it wasn’t so dark, I’d ask you to come to the cubby with me.”

“Grow up, April.”

“I’m trying.”

Silence fell between us as she glanced around the room, not at me. I continued to sketch the outline of our town’s horizon. We were working on woodblocking this semester, free to select a focus topic so long as we were able to justify its message. I was going for the importance of place in stories.

“That looks nice,” she whispered, looking over my shoulder. “You’ve always been so good at drawing.”

I shrugged. “It’s just a hobby.”

“But you put it in your set plan, right? You will apply for art at uni?” Set plans were done almost half a year ago. But she never asked even back then.

I shook my head. “I’m doing law. Mum said it’s more respectable, and since you didn’t end up doing it like you said you would…”

She sighed and sat down on my bed. “May… I know I’ve been a shit sister—”

Slamming my pencil on the desk, I turned around to look at her. “That’s an understatement. I’ve been so patient, April. So understanding that you needed time. But moving out? How could you leave me alone with them?”

Her eyes softened as she realised the reason behind my objection to her decision. She held her arms open to me. 

Wavering, I wanted to stay seated here, mad at her. But it had been years since April had offered to hold me. And I wasn’t about to miss this chance. I was across the room in moments, letting her pull me to her chest as I sobbed. I could feel her own warm, wet tears on my scalp, but she was doing her best to not shake from her sadness. I don’t even know if she was capable of such bone-crunching pain anymore. Every emotion was always dulled and muted with her now. Like if she felt the pain too much, there would be no remnants left to feel afterwards. And then she might have to forgive herself.

“I will be a phone call away,” she whispered. “And you can start adding me to your list of getaways when you want to see Evie. You don’t just have to say it’s Ronnie you’re going to.” 

I was aware she never said I could actually stay at hers or go to see her, but I didn’t press. I just wrapped my arms more tightly around her, breathing in the blend of rose and smoke that was seeped into her clothes. It wasn’t how she used to smell, but it was some sense that she was real and in front of me.

“You know why I need this, right?”

I shrugged under her grip.

“Mum and dad are too much. The way they look at me, all the questions they ask… it’s all too much. I need some space to breathe and I need to be away from this home and this part of town. The memories are just too much. I think some distance will really help me, May.”

After mulling over her words for a moment, I finally whispered, “Okay.”

I pulled back from her hold, and she ran a gentle thumb over my face, wiping the wetness from my cheeks. “You’ve always been more attractive when you cry than me,” she smiled sadly. 

Shaking my head, I said, “I’ll never be as pretty as you.”

She pressed a hand against my heart and said, “You, May Day, are still one of the best people I know. A person with a heart as big as yours is hard to find. It has been a privilege to say I have someone as beautiful as you, inside and out, as my sister.”

But that openness that oozed from her eyes in that moment, that fragility, closed up once more. The grey clouds moved back over her face as every ounce of emotion retreated within her. She pressed her lips against my hair, then got up, leaving my room without looking back.