Once later, Now found

Chapter six

Luca

Have you ever just sat in the dark of night looking up at the sky? And wonder how many stars there really are. On a moonless night the stars seem never ending. It's like you're looking straight into heaven. Heh, if there ever was such a place i don't think I'd deserve a place behind those pearly gates. Not with my track record and no amount of time to redeem myself will help with it either.

Time.

You think you have all the time in the world, but you don't. You think if you miss some time in something so trivial, you can just get it back with the bigger things. But it just doesn't work like that. I've lost so much time, wasted and almost forgotten. So what was the point? When I look at myself in the mirror, I see nothing but a wasted man who wasted so many precious minutes on nothing. Time mocks me, it's always mocked me. I was ready, you know, to give up on life, because let's face it, my life's always been one big fucking joke. To my mother who just didn't give a damn about the child she gave birth to and the father who used me for his own self gratification. Am I just as sick as them? I thought that, for a long time. For all the years wasted on impossible situations. For all the men I used for my own self gratification, no different from my old man, but now I'm here, with Cas and it feels different. I actually feel like I belong, even if its only for a short while and you know what, for the first time in my life I don't actually want to act on those impulses I once had. Being around him made me different, it made me want to be different. His kindness has been something I've never felt before and it made me feel weird, yet happy. 

Last night’s dream had been the worst so far. While it had started off the same as the night before, its ending had been crueller than usual. So I came out in the early hours and sat watching the twinkling of stars, the same as now. I heard Cas coming down stairs last night, yet he didn't disturb me. Maybe he watched me for a little bit, wondering why I was sitting outside on a cool summer night. As I'm doing again, but this time I didn't hear him come down. Do I want him to? Do I want him to approach me and ask why? Because I just don't have the balls to go and tell him why myself. That my nightmares plagued my nights. They spun heavy webs and I felt like I couldn't breathe. That everything I've been through and done throughout my life leaves me feeling heavy. I'm drowning in my own self pity, wishing that light would just appear from that dark place I hide. It's heavy stuff really, I could write a book on my life and possibly make a killing, yet who would want the world to know you were sexually abused by your own father and your mother didn't give a rat's arse and that all collided and I became a man I despise so much. I should have known better really, yet being around Cas makes me reflect on things and think maybe, just maybe it can get better. I just need to allow myself and let go. 

"Hey." I jumped at the mere whisper. "It's chilly."  He said, again so softly. "Have I disturbed you?"

"No, I was just thinking."

"About what?" He asked, wrapping a fleece blanket over my shoulders and did the same with himself. "It's a nice clear sky, huh?"

"Do you ever sit and just watch the stars?" He hugged his knees to his chest as his eyes looked upwards. He lost himself in thought, again. He did that alot. 

"No, I've lived in a city for six years, you could never see the stars."

"That's a shame." He hummed a little. "I find it calming, but sometimes so haunting."

"Why?" It was an easy question, yet the answers were not. 

"I….don't know." Obviously that was a big fat lie. "Maybe, soon."

"I understand." He said, tapping my knee. It felt warm when he touched it. I wished he'd do it again. "I'm going back to bed and you should try too."

"I will, I just need a bit longer, if that's okay?" Giving me a warm smile he lifted from where he sat and his fingers gently brushed over my shoulder. 

"It's fine….Luca." And he walked away leaving a big gaping hole wanting to be filled. Filled with feelings and thoughts I'd never had before, things I crave. Things I thought only were a stupid pipe dream. I hate dreams. I hate me and most of all, I hate that I can never be honest with others. How can I? If I can't even be honest with myself. They say it's easy to lie, but even harder to tell the truth. The truth hurts, it's a bitter taste at the back of your throat. Its that lump that rises and sticks. 

"Wait!" I shouted, hoping he would hear me. He did, I heard his small thumping footsteps as he approached me again.

"W….what is it?" He stutters. He didn't sit beside me again, but I felt him from behind me.

"It's been rough, you know."

"I understand that." He replied.

"No, I mean, everything. My whole life, It's been rough ... .more than rough, actually."

"What happened?" I pulled the fleece tighter around my body, as if using it as a cloaking device, a protective shield.

"I'm a bad man, Cas….I've done terrible things and had terrible things happen to me." He sighed. Then sat behind me, I felt his forehead lean against my back and in that moment I realised that I could probably tell him everything and he wouldn't run or hate me for it. "I….I was abused, as a kid, by my father. At the time I just didn't think any different, I was too young, you know."

"Luca….it's a cruel thing that happened to you, but you should never let it define you, any of what you've done or been through. You should let those past hurts become your strength." Those heartfelt words left me craving for more. "You're a strong man, I see that in only these past few days."

"I'm not as strong as you think I am Cas, it's a mask I wear so I don't have to face my real problems."

"I've done that too…..let's go to bed, maybe we can talk a bit more about it soon." 

"Okay." I think Cas heard in my voice that I wasn't ready, yet. So we both got up and wandered back into the house. He looked at me, yet I didn't see pity in those eyes, I saw a man who could understand at least some of my pain. "Good night….Cas." He nodded and again we went our separate ways, to wait for what the next day may bring.