Once lost, Now found

Chapter nine

Cas

I woke up to another hot and sticky summer's day, but today I just didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything but stare at the garden Luca put so much effort into. But even looking at it now, felt lonely. He wasn't there, smiling at me with mud covered hands, the sweat on his brow, the sun kissing his skin making it shine. It just wasn't there anymore. I'm truly alone. I regret not grabbing him, to make him stay. I saw his hesitation, yet I didn't act on it. I let him go. I just don't understand why I needed him to stay. Was it just because I was afraid of being so alone? It's just when he smiles at me or makes up a stupid joke, my chest would feel so tight I'd find it hard to breathe. I never felt that with Scott, so what was so different? What did Luca have that Scott didn't? Was I really using him as a substitute, because in the weeks he spent here, I didn't think at all about Scott, not once. Now I have no one to talk to, I'm really all alone. "These roses mean, purity, Innocence, sympathy, spirituality. Early tradition used white roses as a symbol for true love, did you know that?" He told me that while trimming the roses, maybe that's why my grandmother planted them and I'm finding myself drawn to those very flowers I dismissed as a kid. Back then a flower was just a flower, but looking at the many vases dotted around the house containing those beautiful white flowers, I'm falling in love with them. 

Falling in love? Love? What is it to love? What does real love feel like or taste like? What form does real love take? The form of another who made my day brighter? Someone who accepted me for me, like….like Luca. Shit!!! I knew it was a mistake letting him leave, just like that. Now my head felt heavy, I leaned it against the cool wood of my dining table and stared at nothing. Everything around me fades out and my mind throws images at me. His face, his smiling face. To think that guy not long ago was slumped on the floor in his own vomit and I took him home. I thought, fuck!!! I'm a crazy ass fool for doing that….but now I'm an even bigger crazy ass fool for letting him go. Where will he be now? Did he get through last night? Did he end up in someone's bed? The thought made me shiver. I needed to move from here and sort my shit, because no matter how much I think about him , he's not coming back. I paused in what I was doing and drummed my fingers on my table. The familiar mix of pain and want leached through me before I managed to shake my head. “I need to get my head out the gutter….you can do it Cas." I said to myself. Easier said than done. I knew what I needed to do and that was sort my life out, get it in order, but what I most wanted was Luca, next to me, doing it with me. But again, he's not coming back and I have no idea how to finish what he started, I have no idea at all. I'm so pathetic.

Once lost, Now found

I'd been allowing myself for too long to wallow in my own loneliness that I decided it's high time to get back out there. I got in contact with one of my grandmothers friends building contractors. He helped evaluate what it would cost to fix up the bakery with the added bonus of a friends discount, so now we've all been working together getting it back up and running. I got planning permission to extend it so it could become a cafe plus bakery and it helped take my mind off Luca. The funny thing is, in the short time we spent together he made a huge impact on my life. I'd never quite met anyone like him before. He's been through so much, well the dribs and drabs he let on and that was obviously hard for him. But yeah, he made me see how easy I'd had it all, all the years I spent being alone and putting myself first, even where Scott was concerned, he made me see the world is bigger than my small bubble I've lived in for so long and honestly, I really miss him. His voice, even his silence, I missed it so much, so I've been distracting myself, it's not really working but what can I do? He could be anywhere. He could be hundreds of miles away for all I know, but one thing is for sure, I felt something and I missed it. I miss him. 

"Hey." I heard a familiar voice and turned to see Lacey. My heart instantly felt heavy, because it wasn't the voice or face I so craved to see. "You're doing the place up? I was just on my way to get something for my mother and see all the building work, how's it going?"

"It's going fine." She smiled at me. She was a sweet girl, always kind of sweet really, well from what I can remember. 

"That's good. I can't wait for it to open, I may just make it my regular." 

"Really?"

"Of course. Do you make pastries?" She asked.

"Do you want a coffee?" She nodded in response and sat at a small table by the window. "It will only be basic at the moment and sorry for the dust."

"It's fine, thanks." I left her sitting there and went out back and started making two cups of coffee. Maybe we could be friends. I need a friend. I really need to talk to someone or my head may just explode. I left the kitchen holding two cups of coffee like they were liquid gold and placed them both down and sat opposite her. She took a short sip and smiled again. "It's nice."

"That's all I have at the moment, I can't let the workers not have hot drinks."

"Cas?" She asked. "You look sad." Am I really that transparent?

"I guess, a little."

"Where's your room mate?"

"He left."

"Oh." Then she took another sip of coffee, letting her eyes ask questions. "Why….never mind….."

"I don't know why he left, not really…..that's what you wanted to ask, right?" She lowered her eyes to look at the half empty coffee cup. "Right?" I asked again.

"It's none of my business, I'm sorry. It's just, you look lonely." I sigh. 

"Yeah, I'm lonely. I have been for a long time, so I'm used to it."

"But it shouldn't be like that. Even at school. You were alone, I wanted to talk to you all the time, but, you know how school is ...."

"I know." I said, giving a wave of my hand. "To be honest, I miss him. We didn't know each other long, but I miss him." She took my hand in hers. It's warm, a sweet floral smell emanated from her and it reminded me of Luca, amongst all those flowers.

"It doesn't have to be this way Cas. You can't sit around and hope the loneliness goes away."

"I know that. That's why I'm doing up the bakery."

"Maybe, you could find him."

"Impossible, he could be anywhere. He didn't even have a phone." 

"Well, if it's meant to be, you will cross paths again."

"Lacey? You know, I'm gay, right?" Another big smile graced her pretty face.

"Yeah, I figured a long time ago…..anyway, I must be off." Letting her chair slide out she sidestepped and moved a little closer. "I can't wait for this place to open, good luck." And she left. Yet talking about Luca made me miss him even more. I wanted to run home and sit in my garden just to feel that little bit closer to him. Fuck! I miss him so much.