Once lost, Now found

Chapter ten

Luca

I think I'm lost without him. I was always lost, but even more now that I'm not beside him. I don't understand why. How has it came to this? Feeling even more alone than ever. Sadly I spent the night I left in a fucking bus shelter wishing I hadn't left. It's just, I became so confused. My feelings confused me. Everything fucking confuses me. I thought I'd stay, do his garden and then leave, but my time spent there became so much more. I found that I wanted to actually spend time with him. I wanted to get closer to him. I wanted to hold him and make him mine. It was almost as if, for the first time, I fully understood what was happening to me. Was there a glimmer of maturity and understanding beginning to grow? It wasn’t guilt but repulsion at myself. For wanting someone so pure, so sweet. It freaked me out and now I'm wandering around like a stupid idiot. What's he doing now? Is he okay? Did he cry? Because I fucking cried, like a goddamn baby. But going back is not an option now. I left, purely because my thoughts darkened and I wanted him for more than just a friend. I'm a dirtied man. I'm rotting from the inside out. 

But you know, I didn't leave town, like I should have, I just kept out of everyone's gaze. I kept to the back alleys. Amongst the dirt and drug paraphernalia. It's the only place a guy like me belongs. It's sad, really. You probably don't wanna hear me babbling and feeling stupidly sorry for myself, but that's the way it is. Selling myself short for the odd bit of cash to feed myself, finding a covered place to sleep at night. But on those cool summer nights I thought of him and it gave me warmth, his smile, his cute laugh, the look on his face when I got up and saw him in the kitchen making breakfast. All of that gave me warmth. I'm trying my damned hardest not to run back there, because what have I got to offer him? Nothing, a big fat fucking nothing. 

I knew that today, my walk around the back of town would take and be a bit longer than usual. That this afternoon would go by painfully slowly. And for the fiftieth time in ten minutes, I sneaked a look at my watch. Usually it would be so I'd know when to find a spot and settle down for the night, but now, I'm looking because I'm wondering what he's doing. My slow walk brought me to an edge of a field, untouched by humans and left to grow wild and free. Its beautiful, wild flowers grow tall and the grass a plush green. I could easily lie myself down there and watch the sunset and the stars peek through like tiny diamonds. 

Then I jumped almost out of my skin when I heard a small rustle then a squeak of bike brakes. "Luca?" I turned my head to see him….Cas, my stomach flipped and it felt like my legs had disappeared on me. I fell to the floor holding my chest. I couldn't breathe. It felt like a full blown punch to my chest. "Luca!" Instantly he dropped his bike and ran at me, his arms wrapped around me. That warmth, that sweet warmth I missed so much made me again cry like a fucking baby. "Please, don't cry." He whispers, holding onto me. I had no strength, none at all and I closed my eye's.

Once lost, Now found

A warm light filters through, it's bright, yet warm, comforting, familiar. Am I dreaming? It feels like it. I open one eye and hold my hand up to my face. "You're awake?" I swallow the dry lump that had formed in my throat. "I brought you back, you passed out. I called a doctor. He said you were dehydrated and had not eaten."

"Cas?" I lifted up on my elbows. His bedroom. His bed. His smell, his smiling face. "I...thank you, but….why?" He sat on the end of the bed and did what he always does when he's feeling nervous, he hugged his knees to his chest.

"I couldn't leave you." He replied. "It would have been too cruel." I cleared my throat and sat up completely. I was only at least two feet from him and I could already smell him. Sweet, so very sweet.

"Is that the only reason?" I asked. I wasn't sure what answer I wanted. Actually, that's a lie. I know what I wanted to hear and that's that he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

"I don't know." he replied, his eyes meeting mine. "I….erm."

"It's okay, thank you for helping me. It's been hard lately."

"You shouldn't have left, you didn't have to."

"I did, because ... .if I didn't…" I stopped my mouth running away with me. I'd regret it, I know I would. I'd scare him and that's something I never want and that's for him to feel scared. It went silent for a few moments and his eyes met mine again, but this time it was different. "Cas…."

"You….you can have me, if you want to." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was I hearing wrong? did he say something else but my mind changed his words into ones I so desperately wanted to hear.

"Cas, what?"

"I'm sorry. I just, I've felt so lonely with you gone…."

"Wait." I said, holding my hand up. "You want me to have you because your lonely? Don't you think that's going about it all wrong?"

"I guess, I didn't mean to…." I grabbed his hands in a tight grip. I was looking at him, searching his eyes. I wanted to know what he really felt.

"Cas, tell me. What do you really want?" Silence again. It's like that deafening static that makes your stomach turn. "Cas?"

"I...want you." Those three small words made everything around me fade away and I moved closer to him. He didn't budge, he sat firm and watched me. I closed in and pressed my lips to his. Warm, sweet. Then pulled away. I was waiting for that shock horror look in his eyes, but that's not what I saw. "Don't, leave again." He replied and threw himself at me. We both fell back into the now cool sheets. I couldn't tell you if what I'm feeling was love or just pure lust, but being in his arms felt like the right place to be. That he found me on that damp cool summer night, when I was at my worst was fate, that it was meant to happen.