Once lost, Now found

Chapter eleven

Cas

We spent a good few days exploring each other.  I'm  an explorer now, apparently. Because I couldn't stop finding new places on Cas’ body and letting my lips touch each part, claiming them as mine. Each new landmark, better than the next. I never thought I could trust another man with my body, with me and mostly my heart. Seems I'm wrong. With Cad I could be me. Smiling or being completely silent. And those silent moments we could observe one another, I could watch his eyes sparkle all day.

Also, never leaving the bed unless really necessary. Not even for food. We were both desperate, desperately trying to claw at least something back. Watching, touching, too scared to look away, because if we did, we might wake up from just a dream, that it was not happening at all, that our realities were that much darker. Yet his warm hands gently touched my skin replacing hurt with adoration. Hazel's eyes looked at me with such warmth and made my world feel like it really was worth living. Everything I thought impossible became possible. Still, I go back to a question I asked myself, what is it to love? What was it with Scott? Love? Or something I just sugar coated and perceived as love. I don't know what these feelings are, the way I feel about Luca. Is it purely just loneliness and that craving to not be alone? Because it feels so very different from what I ever felt with Scott. Even when we don't say anything at all, it's still there. Comfort, warmth, contentment. 

He smiles at me, from across the room. I watched him, every inch of him, I'm always watching him. "You keep staring at me?" 

"I know."

"Why?" He asked, moving towards the end of the bed.

"I don't know." I replied. 

"A man of so few words, yet….did you know your expressions speak so much louder than your voice." 

"Really?" He climbed up the bed to straddle me. His hazel eyes looked into mine, searching for answers.

"Yeah." He said, stroking my cheek. "Just your eyes alone speak a thousand words. Your soft gaze, the way they glaze over, the warmth they give. There's no words for that." His fingers traced my jaw line and up my cheek to brush gently through my hair. I closed my eyes as the heat rushed through me. "What do you want Cas?" I open my eyes, his face was now closer, just inches from mine. "What do you really want?" He asked, placing his hand on my chest, over my heart.

"To…." I paused, because I just don't know how to word it without it sounding like I'm some desperate fool. 

"You want to not feel empty anymore, right?" 

"I….I don't want to feel empty." Letting his lips softly brush mine, he whispers.

"I will fill you up. I will warm you and put your heart back together."

"What about you?" I asked.

"Me?" He replied, sitting up. "I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Can we….maybe, fix each other?" His hand gripped either side of my face and that gentle kiss became so much more. Deep, passionate, a kiss we simply could never come back from. 

"I won't go, not again." I gasp as his strong arms wrapped tightly around my waist. My legs wrapped around his body, pulling him closer. His mouth on my neck, my fingers dig into his back. Our bodies slowly consumed each other. Again and again ... .I was falling, I was drowning, I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to. I wanted to fall deeper, I wanted to drown more, I wanted to lose every bit of breath. "So beautiful." Were his last words as he pushed into me. Deep, slow, torturing me with everything that he is. His deep moans, my lack of breath. Him, savouring everything that I am, treating me with care, being tentative. Yet, I wanted more, so much more. 

"Don't….don't hold back, not again." I bit my lip as a devilish grin graced his perfect face.

"Don't cry." He said. Taking me fully. Brimming me on that edge of sanity. I'm losing my damn mind. With heavy thrusts, I moaned out his name 'Luca’. I was being pulled from that place I kept myself for so long, that dark lonely corner and now I'm being shrouded in light, so much light it's almost blinding. "I'm….cumming." He whispers, gently in my ear, making me shiver. I felt it too, like a great crescendo of heat, tipping me over and I came. I couldn't hold back, I needed more. Gripping his back, my nails marking his flawless skin, I came again. His thrusts are heavy, erratic, he calls out to me and then stills. I could feel the beating of his heart against mine, at the same rhythm. Sweat sticking us together, he doesn't let go. "Can I keep you, forever?" The words hit me like a tidal wave and I held him even tighter. 

"Yes." I whispered. He chuckled in response. Instantly I felt stupid, but really happy. 

"Your special Cas."

"I'm not, not really."

"To me, you are." Special? What's so special about me? I've always been alone, even when I wasn't. I was a bore, I never held conversations. I was just, me. There's nothing special about that. "Don't frown, you'll get wrinkles." He smiles again. "You don't need to be anything different with me, you know that, right?"

"What if you get bored of me?"

"Never. You just don't see all the different things you do, you're so absorbed in worrying, but you don't need to worry with me. We've led different lives, yet our hearts are the same. Nothing can break that."

"Luca?"

"Hmm."

"You've seen so much pain, yet you're so….so kind."

"Kind? You're funny, but yeah. I've seen and been through so much….to the point of wanting to just die." I watched him again as his mind wandered to a place he wasn't comfortable in.

"Tell me, some day….if you ever can."

"No, it's too horrifying."

"Okay. Then let's override all that pain with something new, every day."

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Shall we get out of bed, it's actually become quite gross." A dirty laugh projected from his lungs and he pulled me up with him, wrapping those arms of his again around me. 

"I'm never letting you go. I will get a job, I will pay you back for everything you've done for me." I sigh, pulling away, just a little.

"You already are." I kissed him, gently, hoping that what I feel now only gets stronger and stronger, so strong that maybe one day when I say those three easy words that others throw around as if they are nothing, that to me, they will finally be real.