Once lost, Now found

Chapter twelve

Luca

It got so real all those days ago. But everything seems to have gone back to how it first was. Like no matter how close I try to get, there is something blocking my way. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, or maybe Cas realised it was too much for him. I've watched him so much that I've become a Cas specialist. I know when he's feeling down, I know when he doesn't want to talk, I know when he starts to close in on himself. Its hard trying to break that wall he's spent so long building. Yet I kept my promise, I got a job in a bar, It's not much, but it's something. Now all I do is worry when he's alone at home. What is he doing? Is he scared? All the thoughts make me want to run back there, just to make sure he's really okay.

"Luca, you can go on your break now." I turn to see Glenn, the guy that's been training me. He's a good guy, I guess. He has his moments but it's not like I'm not used to guys like him. I'm used to so many, so many different personalities I've come across in my years. 

"Cheers." I replied, taking my leave. I left out the side door and sat on an empty crate. Letting the sun warm my face. Watching people go by. It looks so much different when you're not homeless anymore. Strange, but true. Like before I'd float through each day, not knowing where I would sleep or when my next meal would come. Now I'm able to really watch. So many faces. So many people in such a small town. A dismal kind of town. It's central part was being modernised, yet the back streets remain the same, dark, dank and crumbling away into nothing. It's those places you find people like me. 

In all my years I've been down many back alleys. Trying to make ends meet when that piece of shit fled with everything we had. Lennox, a name that makes a sour taste in my mouth. If I ever see that fucker, I'm going to beat him, yet thinking back to it all, all those times I spent many nights on the streets, I did have some fun. For myself, I felt a strange tingle. The buildings appeared to swim in my mind and dissolve. I felt a thrill as the inner eye of my mind superimposed itself on my physical one, a complete recreation of the alleyway as it once was. The past came out of the realms of recollection and, for a fraction of a second, pretended to be real and tangible. 

"Luca!" I blinked a good few times making those images of a time that felt like years ago disappear and I stood up. I went back into the bar. A new kind of bar, for students mainly. You got the odd old guy sitting at the bar with his newspaper, but most of the patrons were uni students. Mouthy, full of hope, not realizing the world is a much darker place when you don't have the comforts of home or when you finally graduate and your chucked into the lion's den with a degree you will probably never use. Well, fuck them. "The bins need taking out." Said Glenn, with a small amount of glee to his voice. I think he very much enjoys bossing me about when the boss is off on one of his business deals. And there was me saying not long ago he's a good guy. Huh, joker. 

"I'm on it." I replied, walking past him. Yet his hand grabbed at my arm and yanked me back a foot. I was shocked and instantly felt that natural urge to just push him away, yet I fought against it.

"After work, join me for a drink." I shook my head.

"I can't, I'm sorry." he hummed a little.

"You got a fancy bit waiting for you, huh?" I felt the rush of blood through my veins, I really wanted to smack the shit out of this guy. Up until now, he's not been too bad.

"I do have someone to go back home to. So if you please, let go of me." He sniggered and let go. "I'll do the bins now." I walked away, but I felt him watching me. I felt disgusting, I wanted to wash my arm straight away. Another kind of human. 

I grabbed at the bins, tied them up and walked out back to chuck them in trash bins. "It fucking stinks out here." Yet I really wanted to just go, go for a long walk, with Cas. Walking in the sun, taking in the hot humid summer air. Finding a place that's made just for us. Heh, sounds like something you'd hear in fairytales. I'd be his hero and save him from a life of despair and ride him away on my white steed to a land that time forgot and we could make it ours. I've been thinking a lot lately about my feelings, it's hard, you know. Trying to figure out what they mean. Like, I care about him, so much that I'd do anything for him. I'd take a bullet for that man, so could it be love? Do I love him? Maybe. I scratched at my head wondering if I should tell him about my glorious realisation that I do in fact love him. But then again, he doesn't speak much, especially about his feelings. So I might scare him off. 

"You gonna spend all day in the clouds?" I heard Glenn from behind me. I turned to face him and watched as he lit up a cigarette.

"You've left the bar unattended?"

"No one is in at the moment, it's fine."

"Right?" I thought it better not to stand and make general conversation with this guy, so I rushed past him.

"Am I that scary?" He asked.

"No." I huffed. "I've seen worse." And I walked away leaving him to smoke and stood behind the bar. Only now am I realising that he really isn't much of a good guy. "Maybe I should find another job?" I whispered and wiped up some glasses. Like a gardening job, I'd enjoy that. It brings a smile to my face because that's how I got close to Cas. His garden is coming along nicely. We decided to have an area for chairs and a table, maybe a BBQ too. 

Pulling my new phone from my pocket, I opened it to see a message from Cas. It's actually funny really, he said to me he doesn't much like all the modern technology, like phones and games consoles. I'm still trying to get him to get a PlayStation and it's too damn cute when he screws his nose up at the idea.

Cas: Sorry if I disturbed you again at work. I just wanted to know if you're doing okay. 

I smile, my heart nearly wrenches from my chest.

Me: I'm doing fine. To be honest I've not stopped thinking of you.

Cas: Why? I'm just doing my usual sorting the bakery. 

Me: Good. I will be back soon, but when I get back can I have a cuddle?…..please. 

He didn't message back. I thought he wouldn't. It's not easy trying to get past that stone exterior. But I'm not giving up, I won't ever give up on him.