CW: Slight hints of abuse

It took the Nakamura Family around an hour to completely finish setting up, but by time they were complete, it was already close to midnight. Riku called everyone over to the table, and the relatives quickly took their seats. Akira sat down next to Vin, and took a large whiff of the food, smiling as he did so.

Tita Carmen stood up, grabbing the entire family’s attention, “Let’s pray!”

She sat back down and everyone held their hands together. Although the Nakamura family wasn’t religious, nor did they ever pray, family gatherings were the one time they did. It made them feel connected to the rest of their family, and it brought them together as one during their short celebration together. Akira closed his eyes, listening to his Tita say the prayer, when suddenly, a painful memory flashed in his mind.

December 24, 2012

Akira: Age 7

Vin: Age 18

Hikaru: Age 24

Sora: Age 41

It was Noche Buena, but unlike every other household, the Nakamura family’s was quiet. The table was set nicely, but only the usual dinner foods were set. There weren’t any decorations hanging up, and there was no music playing. There wasn’t any extended family either, just them. 

Akira sat quietly in his shared bedroom playing with Teddy. He had headphones on that were blasting a song from one of his favorite shows. He hummed the lyrics quietly.

His headphones were pulled off, and he looked up in confusion. Sora was standing there with a small smile on her face.

“Hi baby, it’s time for dinner.”

Akira smiled and jumped up, leaving Teddy and his headphones on the ground. Sora held out her hand, and he took it. They made their way downstairs where Vin and Hikaru were placing the food on the dining table. Their father, Angelo, sat at the end of the table, reading a newspaper while holding a bottle of beer.

Sora led Akira to his chair, which sat on the right of Angelo. Akira hopped up, and everyone else took their seats. Vin sat next to Sora, who was on the left of Angelo. Meanwhile Hikaru was next to Akira.

Angelo set his newspaper down then held out his hands.

“Let’s pray,” he said sternly.

The family held hands, but Akira kept his in his lap.

Hikaru nudged him gently and whispered quietly in his ear, “Ella Akira, please hold Papa’s hand.”

Akira kept his hands together, then looked at the food in front, “But I don’t want to..I don’t understand why we have to do this.”

A thud came from the end of the table and Akira looked up at Angelo scaredly.

“We do it because I say so. Now give me your hand.”

Akira shook his head vigorously, “But I don’t want to!”

Hikaru grabbed his arm, it was his way of warning him to not push the situation further, “Ella Akira, please just take his hand.”

Before Akira could protest more, his other arm was grabbed. This time, it hurt.

Akira looked over, his expression immediately changed. He was terrified. Angelo stared at him, his stare burning into Akira’s skull. It was like red flames of fire were visible in his eyes, and it was frightening to the young boy.

“You will pray whether you like it or not.” Angelo took his hand aggressively, tightening his grip, “If you don’t, you’re not eating for the rest of the night.”

Akira started to cry, tears were flowing down his cheeks as he tried to yank his hand away. 

“But-”

He was interrupted by Angelo standing up, his expression became more enraged. Akira shut his eyes closed, wanting to end this nightmare of a dinner.

Before the flashback could continue, Akira’s eyes flew open. Everyone was still praying. His hands were shaking, and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Vin heard his breathing, and peeped a quick glance at him.

He whispered quietly, “Okay lang ka?” (Are you okay?)

Akira didn’t answer, nor did he look his brother in the eye. He stood up, his chair making a loud screeching sound on the wooden floors. His relatives opened their eyes, stopping their prayer and looking over at him in confusion. 

Akira gulped, trying his hardest to catch his breath, “Um..Pasensya kaayo, pasayloa ko.” (I’m so sorry, excuse me) He muttered out before running up to his room, leaving the family perplexed. 

Vin stood up, ready to chase after him, but Sora grabbed his hand, pulling him back down. Vin looked over at her, upset that his mom stopped him. He stared at her with sad eyes, pleading to let him go and check on his brother.

“Just let him go, my love, I don’t want to cause a scene for them to…” She looked around at the family who was already starting to talk about what just happened, “gossip about..you can go up later, okay?”

Vin sat down in defeat, disappointed that he couldn’t just go up right away. This worried him. It had been a while since Akira ran off like that. It wasn’t like him. He was terrified that something bad had happened, and he wanted to fix it as soon as possible. 

Akira slammed his door shut. He stumbled over to his bed, his legs giving out before he could even lay down on it. His knees fell to the ground, and he held himself up with his arms. His breathing was fast and ragged, and tears were falling from his eyes, hitting the ground at a fast pace. Eventually, his arms began shaking, and they too gave out, leaving him lying on the floor in a puddle of his own tears. He curled up into a ball, grabbing his knees tightly as he tried to forget everything. Everything hurt. It felt like something was blocking him from breathing, and the tears wouldn’t stop. He grabbed his hair tightly, shaking his head back and forth, wanting it to stop.

Vin threw his utensils down on his empty plate, immediately standing up. He grabbed Akira’s untouched plate, then piled it with any leftover food he could get his hands on.

“Pasayloa ko.” (Excuse me.) He mumbled out in a hurry.

He maneuvered around the tables and tiny children running around, marching up the stairs. He swung Akira’s door open where he saw him sitting against his bed. His arms were wrapped around his knees and there were tear stains on his cheeks. His breathing was finally back to normal, but something was still wrong. 

“Gigutom ka?” (Are you hungry?) Vin asked, deeply concerned for the younger boy. He wanted to know what happened, and why he ran off so suddenly.

Akira shook his head in response, “Dili…” (No…)

      Vin walked over to Akira and bent down in front of him, placing the unorganized and messy plate of food on the ground. He too was shaking, but out of fear that something was terribly wrong with his brother. He took his shaking hands to Akira’s face and brought it up to face him. Akira shook his head away.

“Ayaw.” (Stop it.)

Vin also shook his head, not wanting to give up. He grabbed his face once again, but this time, Akira slapped his hands away and scooted away from him.

“Ayaw ba! Pareha ra nimo si papa!” (Stop it I said! You’re just like papa!)

Vin gasped, his face dropping. That was something Akira never said to him. Words that he never hoped to hear. He frowned deeply, knowing that his brother was hurting, “Pasensya kaayo..” (I’m so sorry..) Wanting to respect his space, he kept some distance between him and Akira. Akira now sat in the corner made by his nightstand and bed, his arms still wrapped tightly around his legs.

Akira looked up at him, his eyes glimmering with remorse, despite the sad look on his face. “Pasensya na…wala ko tuyoa.” (I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it)

Of course Vin was still hurt by his words. But he knew that Akira didn’t mean it, he would never say something like that to him. He was just stressed, and he was determined to help him get over whatever was bothering him. Vin slid the plate of food over to Akira, then finally asked the question he had been wondering most. “Unsay nahitabo?” (What happened?)

Akira looked off to the side, avoiding eye contact with the older boy. He spoke, but his voice was soft and quiet. A hint of fear and sadness lingered in the single word he said, “Papa.”

Vin immediately knew what he meant. That night of Noche Buena. He thought that memory was long gone by now. Akira hadn’t remembered or talked about it in years, so why did it come up now? Was the stress from his and Shiro’s situation bringing back bad memories?

“Gusto ba nimo hisgutan kini?” (Do you want to talk about it?)

Akira shook his head once again. His long white hair following the direction of his head. Eventually, he reached his arms under the bed, grabbing a sleepy Snowy and hugging her tightly to his chest as if she were a stuffed animal. He buried his face into her fur, just wanting all of his past memories to go away.

“Gikapoy ko…gikapoy kaayo ko.” (I’m tired..I’m so tired) Akira said quietly. He sounded broken, and hurt. It was as if his body was craving for a break. A break from everything, just for a little bit. He wanted to restart his childhood. There was nothing he wanted to remember from it. He longed for a normal childhood all his life, that’s all he ever wanted and dreamed for. But he never got it. Instead, he was left with dreadful and distasteful memories that would never go away. Memories that were permanently stuck to him as a reminder. A reminder that he never got to be a kid.

Tears began to flood Vin’s eyes. He couldn’t hold it in anymore, their family was still so broken from the past. No matter how hard they tried to move on, it was almost impossible. He spent 20 years in that hell hole, just for it to always come flooding back to him with any tiny reminder of the past. His tears came falling out as fast as falling rain. The sounds of them hitting the wooden panels of the floor filled the silence of the room. Eventually, the sound of a second pair of tears falling appeared. This time, from Akira. He thought he was out of tears, but seeing his older brother cry broke him. Vin always seemed like the strong silent type growing up. He rarely expressed his emotions when he was sad, and it made it seem like he could never get hurt. But seeing Vin in front of him, so vulnerable and so hurt, made him realize how traumatized and scared he still was. The two of them inched towards each other, tackling the other in a tight hug. They hugged all the time, but this one felt different. It felt like two brothers, just wanting to have the childhood they deserved. Two boys who wanted to move on. Two, young boys, who yearned for the love of a father. Their father.