Once lost, Now found

Chapter fifteen

Cas

I wasn't quite sure what came over me the last few days. I thought about it, over and over again. My feelings, the strange squeeze on my heart. Luca, plays a big part in that. I'm falling, falling so hard its terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time. I want to let myself go and just let the feelings spill out, but I'm also holding myself back. I don't know why I do it to myself, why don't I just go with it? He is, he's going with how he feels. He's letting it all fall into place, perfectly, but here I am, standing in front of a man who wants me, for me. He doesn't expect me to change, he loves me, for who I am. Yet I hold back. I'm scared, I'm so scared of losing again, I don't want anymore loss, I wouldn't be able to handle it, not anymore. 

But in my dreams. He's there, holding out his hand for mine and I easily take it. I don't hesitate and we run, we just go. We run through fields and forests, we run until we can't breath and we fall down and just lay there, like the world around us just didn't matter, it didn't matter because we didn't let it. Yet when I'm awake it all comes flooding back to me and it matters when it shouldn't. I'm weak, so weak. I let everything crash around me and I fall apart when I'm alone. I try not to, but I can't stop it. "Just let go." I whisper to myself while he sleeps peacefully, then I find myself looking at the night sky. The way Luca looks up at the sky. He sees so much more than I do. I just see nothing but sky, yet he sees so much more than that. I don't really fully understand what. Like he said before, one day you will see you through my eyes. What does he see? My grandmother once told me, how can you love another if you don't love yourself. Maybe that's my problem, I don't love myself enough to love him. But how do you love yourself? What's to love?

"Hmmm." I turn to face Luca, the moon's light floods through the window as the small shadows hugged him, painting a perfect picture before my very eyes. "What's wrong?" He mumbled.

"Nothing, go back to sleep." He pulls me closer, wrapping his heat around me.

"You're thinking too much again, right?" 

"I guess."

"Well stop, there's nothing to think about." I wish that was true. I wished so much that I didn't doubt the me who looks back at himself in the mirror. That washed away look, that giving up would have been so much easier. But he keeps me from giving up, so why? Why do I still question my feelings? "Cas." He said in a hushed voice, yet it felt so loud in my head. "Please love me." He was falling back to sleep. "P….please." I gently skimmed my fingers over his soft skin until he had finally fallen back to sleep and again watched as the shadows hugged him.

"I do, I just don't know how much." I whispered. Has there ever been a time when there is an amount of love you should have for someone. I thought I loved Scott, so much that it hurt like crazy losing him. But….you know, if you think about it, like a comparison. Losing Scott hurt so much, but I think….yeah, I think if I lost Luca, it would hurt so much more. Does that mean I have more love for Luca? More than I did for Scott? Huh, define love. I read that once ... .Love is when you choose to be at your best when the other person is not at their best, so you can hold them up. Love is when what you want is never important, but what the other person needs and wants is always paramount. “That's a hard one to do, but that's what true love is. Right?" Well, then I guess I just answered all my own questions and doubts, all those times I thought and thought about it and tried to pull away. I do love him, because he is so much more important to me than anything else on this earth. So what the fuck was I doing all this time? Wasting so much energy on nothing. "I'm sorry, Luca….I promise." I whispered. "To tell you when you wake up, how much I love you." I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come quickly for me, so that tomorrow, I can finally say it….and mean it. I want the world around us to never matter, because it shouldn't. The only one who should ever matter is him. 

Once lost, Now found

I didn't get much sleep in the end. My mind's eye threw images out there, of a life I had led in such a sad way. It was sad because I left it and now I lay awake, deprived of sleep and Luca lays still fast asleep. I wonder what he dreams of. Does he dream of a world with nothing but us, like I do. "Hey." I said, poking his back. He mumbled something, I wasn't sure what. So I look at his skin. He has a few moles on his back and some small scars. I skimmed my fingers over each mole and then scar. How did he get these? Some are small, the ones you wouldn't notice unless you really looked at them, and two, two large scars, you couldn't really miss them, but I'd not seen them before, I've been too wrapped in my own thoughts and worries, I didn't take much notice. 

"I got them years ago." I moved my hand away when he spoke. He didn't turn around, he stayed in the same lying position. "My father hit me a lot when I was a kid, when I would defy him."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…." He interrupted me.

"Don't be sorry. It's just how it was, back then. You asked me, before ... .about my life. Well it's just like those ugly scars, deep and permanent." I pulled myself closer until we were skin to skin, I hugged him tight and he held my hand.

"I don't like it ... .it's too cruel."

"The world is a cruel place for some Cas and just unfair to others. Mine, has been both." I held him so hard I thought maybe I could make some of that pain just go away. "But I have you, you're the only good thing I've ever known."

"You're good too, for me." I felt him shiver slightly. Was he cold? No, it wasn't that. He was crying. 

"I'm sorry, Cas." He pleaded. "I didn't want to dirty you ... .But, but, it feels like ... .I just do that…."

"Don't cry, please Luca." I lifted up and pulled him so he had to face me. His eyes were red and wet. "Don't cry, you haven't dirtied me. You make me feel whole." I wiped my thumb across his wet cheek. "I can't take that pain away Luca, I can't, but I can make you happy." He looked at my whole face before bringing his hand up.

"You always look so lost." I gave him a small smile. "Always lost somewhere."

"Yeah, because I didn't fully understand. But I do now. I thought all night and realised you're the most important person in my life. You're all that I think about and want."

He wrapped his fingers gently in my hair and brought my face to his chest and spoke. "You hear that, my heart. How you make it beat, every day it beats, just for you Cas." I closed my eyes listening to the thumping of his heart. "Just for you." He said again. I relaxed against him. 

"I love you Luca, I love you so much I was afraid of saying it, because I didn't know if it was real, but it's as real as me and you, It's more real than anything." I felt him laugh a little and I looked up at him. "What?"

"You saved me Cas, and I will always save you. You know that right?"

"Yeah, I know." I laid my head back down on his chest, the beating of his heart hypnotising, I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier. Was it too late in the morning to fall asleep? But I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. He warms me, he smells so good, he feels good against my skin and his heart sounded like a sweet lullaby pulling me in, gently letting me fall fast asleep and dream of a world that just didn't matter.