The glow of the streetlights illuminated our steps down the asphalt road. Arms linked in each other’s, Evie was drop-dead gorgeous tonight while I looked like her pathetic sidekick. Hair curled to perfection, a light dusting of makeup that only accentuated her beauty, and a deep v in her dress that showed just the right amount of cleavage, she was sure to turn some heads tonight.

         But there was only one person on her mind. “Like I know we’ve been going back and forth on Facebook but like, do you think he will talk to me tonight? Do you think we will take the next step and kiss?” she gushed. Of course, she was talking about Joe again.

What I thought was a small friendship blooming had actually been a festering crush. Evie often had fleeting interests in the guys we went to school with, but this time it seemed… different. She talked too much about him. She applied a little too much lipstick. The dress she picked was that little bit shorter than the other options. But most importantly, when she sensed my growing silence as she spoke about someone who wasn’t me, she was quick to turn the conversation over to the other number one topic of the week: Rowan Hart.

As though her insistence of trying to push me towards some random guy absolved her of her guilt.

“And do you think Rowan will talk to you tonight? Profess his undying love?” she said, taking the expected sidestep in conversation.

“I don’t know, Evie,” I said for the millionth time tonight, pulling at the hem of my yellow halter neck dress. It wasn’t one of mine, which is why it didn’t fit me quite right. While Evie and I shared the same size in clothes, her bust was bigger and height more compressed. Things that fit her snuggly looked a little loose in areas it shouldn’t and often cropped way too short.

Evie pulled me to a stop, turning to face me. “You like fine. Beautiful, in fact. You’re going to wow him.” But that wasn’t what I was concerned about. 

“Why couldn’t I just wear what I brought?”

“Because this is a party and we are trying to get boyfriends for the first time ever.”

“Shouldn’t they like me for who I am? Not this cake-faced, dress wearing imposter?”

She brushed a lock of my hair behind my ear, causing my heart to flutter slightly. “They will. But first you have to dress to the occasion. If this were a pyjama party or a costume party, would you still come in what you brought?”

Sighing, I replied, “I guess not.”

“Exactly. Now let’s get in there and win some hearts… or one Hart in particular for you,” she laughed at her pun.

“That’s really getting old.” But I let her drag me up the driveway and into the house, thumping with music. 

Endless bodies crowded inside the cramped living space, mingling, talking, dancing, drinking. The kitchen counter was lined with food and beverages, and couple of balloons and birthday banners were tacked to the walls. As I looked around the room, I recognised some familiar faces from my classes, but many more were unknown.

Beside me, Evie smoothed down her dress, took a deep breath, and said, “Okay. I’m going to chug two beers and then go find him. Wish me luck.”

Before I could protest, she slipped off through the crowd, leaving me by myself to be nudged by people still coming into the house behind me.

I tried to weave my way through people towards the kitchen, but once I got there, Evie had disappeared from my sight.

Shaking my head, I filled up a cup with soft drink and made my way through the masses and out the back door.

Fewer people were outside, lulling around with a beer in one hand, cigarette in the other. I did my best to not cough as I walked past them, eyes fixated on the one empty place in this whole space. After padding across the grass and opening the gate, I took off my shoes and plunged my feet into the cool water of the pool, taking a moment to admire the bouncing blue light flickering around me.

Then I turned my gaze up towards the sky, relishing in the gentle breeze that caressed my face. A myriad of stars shone down above, like the blackness of the sky had iridescent freckles.

I could still hear the doof of the music behind me, hear the giggle and light chatter of those who loitered by the house, but here, alone, under the night sky, I finally felt like I could breathe.

I didn’t know how to do these party situations without Evie. I didn’t know how to talk to these people who were never interested in getting to know me, only my best friend or sister.

But the moment of solitude was over too quickly as I heard the gate open behind me. Craning my neck, I looked at the intruder, heart faltering slightly as a familiar face stared back at me, a hesitant smile.

“Rowan, right?” I asked, disturbing the still air.

“That’s… not a great start,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Um… mind if I sit with you?”

I waved my hand to the empty space beside me, turning my attention to the rippling water surrounding my wiggling legs. I listened as he removed his shoes and then sat down next to me—not too close, not too far—dipping his toes in the pool.

“Why are you out here alone and not enjoying the party?” he asked me.

“I’m not a party person and I lost Evie the moment I walked in. And I wouldn’t say I’m quite alone anymore.” I shot him a raised eyebrow before looking back at the peace I was disturbing in the pool.

“Touché…”

“And why are you out here with this loner instead of in there with all the other extroverts?”

“I, um… wanted to talk to you.” He was trying so desperately to not make eye contact with me.

“I suppose you got your wish then,” I commented. I wanted to ask why me, but I was also scared of what would follow. I didn’t want to hurt him, because if his art told me anything about who he was, he was more fragile than his reputation let on.

“Yeah…” We sat in silence for a moment, staring up at the night sky, sharing the stillness and smallness of being part of this infinite universe, listening to the gentle rush of the waterfall at the other end of the pool. “I wish I brought my camera. There’s no clouds in the sky tonight,” he mumbled.

“Are you in photography too?” I questioned, curious as to why Miss Delgado never showed me his work in that one.

“Yeah. Not my strong point though.”

I nodded and looked back at the water. “Good to know I’m better at one art form than you.”

He breathed an awkward laugh and I could feel his eyes on me, studying me while he thought I wasn’t looking. “You look really pretty tonight.”

When I glanced at him, I realised his eyes were the same shade as Evie’s—glowing emerald. “This isn’t my dress.”

“I was referring to the you underneath all that.”

My brows came together as I cocked my head to the side.

“Oh my gosh!” he exclaimed, averting his eyes as his cheeks tinged pink. “That was not meant to sound suggestive… I just mean… You don’t normally dress like this and… I should just stop talking.”

I couldn’t stop the laugh coming out of my mouth at his sudden bashfulness as I wondered if he was always this smooth with all of his previous female escapades. Did they fall for the blushing idiot tactic?

He shook his head, and said, “This is not going how I thought it would.”

“This is supposed to go some other way?”

Biting his lip, he met my gaze. “You wouldn’t have possibly heard any rumours involving me and you, would you?”

“You mean the one Evie has been spreading about what she overheard at Joe’s party?”

“Great. Of course your best friend was there…”

“Apparently she was hiding behind a wall during the whole truth or dare thing? As much as I trust her to not give me false information, according to her recount of the story, the… rumour didn’t come from your mouth. I’m not a fan of believing in gossip.”

He nodded, looking away from me again, like the pressure of my eyes was too much. So I did the same, turning my gaze back up to the night sky, giving him the privacy he may need to compose his thoughts and correct whatever misinformation that compelled him to join me tonight. Then he said, “It’s true.”

“What is?”

“I… I like you, May. I have for a very long time.”

He was looking at his hands, Adam’s apple dipping as he felt my eyes studying him. “You don’t know me,” I said.

“Do we ever really know anyone?”

His words hit deeper than they should, but only because they were true. I thought I knew Evie, but she was somewhere in that house where I didn’t know, potentially with her tongue in the mouth of someone I didn’t know. I thought I knew April, but where was she tonight? Who with? What was she doing? And those two people I always thought I knew better than myself. “I guess not,” I found myself muttering, looking away from him.

The silence stretched on for a while, with neither of us saying anything, his confession hanging in the air. I knew I should have gently let him down then and there, but a part of me pitied him. If I had ever confessed to Evie, I would hope she’d let me dream for a moment of an us. So I didn’t. 

On top of it, thinking about Evie and the fact that her heart was chasing someone else made me not want to push this person beside me away. Like maybe I too deserved to be liked by someone.

“Since when?” I asked.

“Since I met you at the skatepark.”

“Primary school?” I exclaimed, and he nodded, burying his head in his hands. He had been liking me just as long as I had been liking Evie. “How come you’ve never said anything?”

“Well… at first I was too embarrassed. My friends noticed I would stare at you whenever you and your sister went to the skatepark and they started teasing me about crushing on someone who was younger. So I tried to bury it for a long time. I really thought I was over you too when I got to high school but then you started year eight…” He shook his head. “This is so damn embarrassing,” he mumbled.

An incredulous smile spread across my face as I looked at him, flustered and flushed. “Is this how you confess to every girl?”

“I… ah… never confessed to anyone before you.”

“What?”

“I’ve always liked you.”

“But haven’t you had like a bazillion different girlfriends?”

“Only about nine. But they were… um… Well, when you started high school and I saw you again, all the feelings came rushing back,” he gushed. “And for some reason the girls in my grade were really into me… probably because I was the only one not making fart jokes. Anyway, they started taking turns to confess to me, so in year nine after I realised I was falling for you all over again, I decided to just date the first girl who confessed to me after that. And then of course because I never really liked them, they would get sick of me and move onto the next guy and… The cycle kind of just continued like that for a couple of years. Me trying to get over you with someone else.”

“That’s a bit dicky.”

“I know. Do you hate me for it?”

“No.” And I didn’t. Because I was flattered firstly that anyone would like me that much, especially when I only ever spoke to Evie. But also it was more than a compliment that an artist I admired had been admiring me. Which is why, instead of turning him down then, like I really should have, I ended up saying, “I never put a face to the name, but I’ve been aware of you for a long time. I actually got into art because of your pieces.”

A hopeful smile flickered across his face as he braved a glance at me.

Sighing, I reached back for my bag, fishing my phone out. He watched me brows together as I flicked through the apps on my phone, before I turned my screen to him.

“How about you try actually getting to know me though before saying you like me?” I asked, showing him the accepted friend request before popping my phone back in my bag. “I bet you’ll be over it quickly.”

“I bet I won’t,” he whispered.

Shaking my head, I let the silence fall around us again. That is, until another question came to the fore. “Why now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why tell me now? If you’ve liked me all this time...”

“Well, I got over the whole age gap thing last year. But I had liked you for so long, the idea of telling you and being forced to get over it was too terrifying. However, there’s only three terms left of school so I figured considering the rumour was out… I would only have to feel awkward for a little while longer.”

He was much braver than me… but the hurdle he was overcoming was smaller than mine. If I ever told anyone who my heart yearned for… I’d disappoint everyone.

Again, I knew I should have let him down, but I wanted this moment of self-confidence to flourish a little longer. One of the most-liked guys in school liked me. Maybe if I let Evie see the little bridge I was letting Rowan build, she would finally realise her feelings for me… Or maybe, like Rowan did with those girls, I’d find my way to get over my crush.

“May!” a voice suddenly squealed from behind me, timing more than perfect.