Drava. She will say that I project blame on to others to avoid taking responsibility. Well, here I go anyway. I have tried to tell Drava my opinions, but she knocks them down and I have a physical reaction when I try to stand up for myself. I do not have the stamina or conversational ability to convince others of my convition. Trinity is my attempt to record the abuse and trauma, and face the fear. 

I have a female dragon inside and she needs to fly.

One of the most confusing things about all this is the sexual abuse. Rather, I would call it sexual neglect. I mention wanting sex and Drava immediately feels guilty. She was scared. Then she was in too much pain the several times we tried. She kept promising she would improve, but it was clearly difficulty and uncomfortable for her. She used dilators just to keep me with her. 

She keeps putting me in a terrible light. I wanted to separate and let us be free of each other, but that is not what she wants. Muddling this whole thing is that we are both autistic and ADHD. So how do we draw the line between reason, responsibility, and neurodivergence. It feels like she's putting it all on me.

She will say it's fair because she goes to teach and it is extremely difficult for her. Meanwhile I stay home since I don't have a job. She sits on the couch and asks me to do things for her. I do because challenging my situation  with her is worse. She deserves to lay on the couch all day while I make every dinner, every breakfast, masala chai, get items for her that are close to the couch. I help her at every turn. She calls for me frequently. She seems to care nothing of what I am doing. 

What is autism, what is ADHD, what is abuse, and what is respect? I am getting everything muddled. 

I think I'm getting away, but she is keeping me.

From early on we acted like an old married couple way past their honeymoon phase. I never took her on many dates. We were too comfortable being naked around each other. Well she was. I wasn't. She talked about how I would stay with her and take care of her when we are old. We hadn't even had a young relationship. I had always pushed the intimacy she doesnt seem to need.

Why did I do this? Yes I have agency, but so do you Drava. I wish I could tell you, and you would respect that. You do not respect that. So I have to resort to drastic foolish actions.