I have always believed that my work has meaning. After graduating from the university in Milan, full of enthusiasm and ambition, I came to the psychological center in my hometown of Brianza, I am ready to help people cope with their problems, find themselves and achieve harmony. I believed that I could change the world, even if it was just one person's world. But after years of work, my faith began to fade.

Every morning I wake up feeling empty. I get dressed automatically, go to the center, and carry out my duties. But somewhere inside me the question more and more often arises: “Why am I doing this?” Patients come and go, many of them return again and again, their problems remain, no matter how hard I try to help. My efforts don't seem to result in real change.
I remember one incident that was the turning point in my disillusionment. A woman, Maria, came to me with depression. She lost her job, her marriage was falling apart, and her children were estranged from her. I worked with her for several months, we tried various techniques, from cognitive behavioral therapy to meditation. At some point it seemed that things were getting better, but then there was a relapse. She returned in even worse condition than before. I felt helpless. All my knowledge and skills were powerless against her pain.

Over time, such cases became more and more numerous. People came to me for help, and I, feeling responsible, tried my best. But every unsuccessful case, every failed treatment, ate me up from the inside. I began to doubt not only myself, but also psychology itself. Maybe this is all just a nice theory that doesn’t work in real life?

My colleagues tried to support me, but their words did not bring relief. I have seen them also face similar problems but somehow manage to continue. They probably have more faith or are better at hiding their feelings.

One day I decided to talk to our director Ricci Pelagatti.
I wanted to understand if he had the same doubts as me. The director listened to me carefully and said: “Sometimes our work is like fighting windmills. We can't always change the world, but we can try to make it a little better. Even if our efforts help one person out of a hundred, that is already an achievement.”
These words hurt me, but did not calm me down. I still felt like I was losing the meaning of my work. My life became gray and monotonous, I felt driven into a corner. In the evenings, sitting in an empty apartment, I thought that perhaps I had chosen the wrong path. Maybe psychology wasn't what I really wanted to do. Maybe I needed to look for meaning in something else.

- I don’t know what to say to clients who have terminal stage cancer, I don’t know what to say to a young girl who was raped by her father, who is a drug addict and a bandit, I have nothing to say to hundreds of young people who join gangs and ruin their lives because they understand that in society they are alone, and no one will help them, I don’t know what to say to hundreds of people who want to commit suicide!

- Listen to me Deus! All you have to tell them is the prices for our therapies and start doing therapy! - Answered the Director, looking at, stroking, and sniffing his favorite Cuban cigar.

- In Psychology, there are hundreds, and maybe even thousands of expensive therapies, and one therapy does not work because if the therapies worked, there would be two, three maximum therapies left. they can't cost that much money! Psychology is entertainment for the stable middle class, but what should poor people do? listen to me, I want to quit, I want to go into Psychiatry. I see the crucifix of Jesus Christ hanging in your office! What if this is all true and we are all wrong?

- Psychiatry is medicine and not your competence, do what you want, but think about it, calm down, you’re just burnt out professionally, rest and think, we need specialists like you. Listen, Deus religion is a hoax for those people who don’t have money, but people who have money come to us! Our psychological center also cooperates with the Yoga circle, they pay us a percentage for the clients that we bring to them, if you are interested in religious nonsense, tell them and advise clients on yoga or meditation. And this cross and crucifix has been hanging in my office for many years, there was once a shelter for fucking homeless children here, but the owners of the company bought this building, so I have no business here. Deus, my boy, we humans are biological beings, all this religiosity is nonsense for schizophrenics, you are your brain. - The Director said and lit his cigar.

- What if not, what if we are not a brain, what if people are not monkeys?! I have never been so disappointed in humanity as after so many years of study and so many months of practice and work as a psychologist! Digging into other people's thoughts, pain, listening to other people's secrets, I understand how much our world is hell, everyone survives here as best they can and still death awaits us all! - I shouted and left the office of this lousy capitalist.

Little by little, I began to distance myself from my patients, colleagues, and even myself. I began to perform my duties mechanically, without putting my soul into my work. My life became a routine from which there was no escape. I began to think about leaving my profession, finding something new that would rekindle the spark in me.
But despite all the disappointments, I continue to go to work every day. Maybe I still hope to find the meaning that once inspired me. Or maybe I'm just afraid to admit to myself that my dream turned out to be an illusion.

Today was a particularly stressful day in my office. I had just finished another therapy and felt slightly tired, but also satisfied with the work done. Glancing at the clock, I noticed that it was already approaching lunch time. Deciding to unwind a little, I headed to a small cafe nearby.
Standing in the hallway, looking out the window, I suddenly heard a familiar voice.
- Deus? It's you?
I raised my head and saw in front of me a woman whose facial features were painfully familiar. No! Why? It was Sophia, my ex-girlfriend from university. We had not seen each other for more than ten years, and her appearance came as a complete surprise to me.
- Sofia? It's been so long since we've seen each other! — I was surprised, standing up to greet her.
We exchanged warm smiles and a friendly hug. Sofia also ordered coffee and sat down opposite me. The conversation began with memories of student times, funny stories and mutual friends.
“You won’t believe it, but I also work here at the center as a psychologist,” said Sofia when the conversation turned to our current lives.
- Is it true? — I was sincerely surprised. - This is amazing!
Sofia told how after university she decided to devote herself to psychology, how I inspired her to take this path. She mentioned her achievements and the difficulties she faced on the path to success. I listened to her with interest, glad that we shared the same passion.
- What about you? - asked Sofia.
I talked about my clients, the techniques I use, and how important it is for me to help people. We exchanged professional advice and discussed new trends and approaches in psychotherapy.
Time flew by and we soon realized that we had spent several hours together. I suggested continuing communication and exchanging contacts.
“I’m glad we met again, Sofia,” I said, saying goodbye. “I hope we will see each other again and exchange experiences.”
Sofia smiled and nodded. How did I get caught, she works on weekends, why did we meet, she wasn’t supposed to be at work today!
Sofia and I met in the university corridors when we were students of the Faculty of Psychology. We attended lectures together, completed group projects, and even shared our innermost thoughts about the future with each other. After graduation, our paths diverged. Sofia got a job at one of the best clinics in the city, and Ilya went to another city to continue his education and gain experience.
- Do you remember how we prepared for our first seminar on psychoanalysis? - Sofia asked, grinning. — We then mixed up all the theories of Freud and Jung.
- Of course I remember. The teacher helped us then, showing us how to connect theories in practice.
- How did you and I spend hours in the library, studying every paragraph in textbooks, trying to understand how the human brain works? - Sofia continued - These were difficult, but very interesting times. Do you remember our last student party? We danced until the morning then, and didn’t even think that we would ever work together in such a large center.
- Yes I remember. It was a wonderful time. But I'm glad that fate brought us together again. Now we can use all our knowledge and experience to help people.
Fate gave us not only a chance for a successful career, but also the opportunity to support each other in difficult moments, sharing the joys and sorrows of strangers who pay us money. Remembering our student days, we both realized that it was these years that laid a solid foundation for their professional and personal growth; it’s just that some of us remained in positive illusions.

- Today is somehow especially difficult. - Sofia said, looking at me. I nodded and waited my turn at the coffee machine.
- I agree, there were many difficult sessions. - I replied, filling my cup. - How do you cope with such a flow of emotions?
Sofia smiled as she stirred the sugar in her cup. “Sometimes it helps to just stop and take a breath.” Moments like this are important.
We sat down on a bench near the window, which overlooked the green garden. "How are your patients today?" - she asked.
I sighed, taking a sip of my hot coffee. - Some are progressing, others not so much. There are times when you feel like you're standing still.
Sofia nodded in understanding. “But the main thing is to be here for them, to support them and help them find a way.” Sometimes even a small step forward is already a victory.It is for moments like these that we work.
- Fuck work! Work generally comes last in life! Listen, you’ve been working as a psychologist for a couple of months now, aren’t you tired of it yet? I'm already disillusioned with psychology. - I admitted.
- This is why every psychologist must attend psychotherapy, you are burned out. “professional burnout” happens to many people.
- When I studied to become a psychologist, I cultivated psychology and all the famous authors, but now, when I have a diploma on my wall that is collecting dust, and the experience of working with the horror of people, psychology itself and my life, my experience, my clients, brought me complete disappointment in all of human existence. Of course, my interest in the mystery of the human psyche remained a little. but the love for the profession of psychologist is no longer there. As a psychologist, I remain neutral with clients, but as a psychologist, I am tired of the madness of people, society, the state, politics that breaks through the bottom of hell. My colleagues would diagnose me with “burnout or, even more stupidly, depression,” but I know perfectly well what imbeciles look like and what these diagnoses are, I know this as a person and a professional, it’s not burnout or depression, it’s just Analysis and nothing more. The financial pyramid needs to be supported, which you and I and people like us do with pleasure, feeding, maintaining psychological centers, on endless, subjective and very expensive psychotherapies and other crap!
- You haven’t changed, you’re still just as cynical, arrogant and overly rational! - Sofia expressed dissatisfaction and left without saying goodbye, and her smile disappeared, I hurt her subjective meanings about psychology that are Subjective!

Most of my colleagues write positive reviews about psychology and their studies as a psychologist. “I am grateful that I studied and devoted so much money and effort to psychological education.” "all investments have paid off." “I am grateful that I have found such a profession” “I learn a lot from my clients”, etc.

But for me, so much money from my parents and my efforts were invested in my studies that the recovery period took many times more time, difficulty and money.
Perhaps when crowds of healthy neurotics come to a psychologist with successful, light, everyday problems, such clients really fill the psychologist with experience and even sometimes teach something. But for many years I have been working with suicidal people, drug addicts, and people who are doomed to a terrible fate. The worst option is cancer, oncology, and what should I say to a dying person?! I will say that in the first years of my work as a psychologist, I became so disillusioned with people and with humanity as a whole that I have no words, people live in such filth, such fear and horror is happening in destinies, hearts and souls that you involuntarily think " “Aren’t we all already living in hell?” Some suffer here, while others do crazy nonsense! And the second one lives much better in this hell.