Once lost, Now found

Chapter seventeen

Cas

1 year previous: It was the start of the summer months, we knew business would pick up, it does around this time every year and Scott has the (fantastic) idea of changing the menu only days before he wanted me cooking it up. What a joke, how does he expect me to get used to a whole new menu in just a couple of days; but it's one of his many irritations, getting his way. 

"It's not going to be easy, you know. You usually give me more time, what's the urgency?" He looked at me over his morning paper, that look of (why the fuck do you ask so much) yet he sighs and puts his newspaper down gently.

"Because, Caspian, I can and will and you will do as your damn told and cook that shit, like you always do." I held my head low not giving him any eye contact at all. I learnt over the years not to when he's in a bad mood. "Don't freaking sulk. You know I don't like that."

"I'm not sulking." I lifted my head when I heard the dining chair make that god awful sound it makes as the legs screech across the floor and he approaches me. "I'm not sulking." I said again, in my defence I really wasn't, but when he gets something in that head of his there's no telling him any different.

He cupped my chin, his fingers dig in a little tighter than usual. "You always look so….stupid, that annoys me, you know." I nod in his grasp. "Fuck sake." He said letting go. "We need to leave soon, so get ready."

"Yes." I hated it. Replying to his demands like a good little soldier. I wasn't sure anymore about him. I knew I loved him, a lot, but our relationship has become just a routine; well that's how it seems to me. We get up, both shower, both get dressed, both leave for work. Slave our asses off, well me mostly. Close up at the end of the day. Leave and argue about what we are going to have for dinner, which I cook everyday as well as slave in a restaurant all day. Then we shower again, he watches TV while I sit and pretend I'm watching TV. Then we go to bed, most nights we don't do anything but sleep, yet some nights he wants his way and I let him. Like a perfectly choreographed robot he fucks me, his way and as usual I get the blame for not spicing things up. I've tried, believe me I've tried; but he's damn stubborn and will have it no other way (what's the point, you're boring no matter if we try) so I don't understand. I do everything in my power to make what we have better, yet it just gets worse. In the beginning it was never like this, we had fun together; we did everything and anything, so I don't understand where I've gone wrong and I don't know how to put things right.

"Come on Caspian!" I grabbed my light jacket off the coat hook after rushing to get ready and we both left. The warm breeze flowing through my hair and briefly I felt as if nothing mattered until his firm grip on my arm drags me from my brief moment of serenity. "Get in the fucking car." Again doing as I'm told. I felt like a little kid next to him. He always treats me like one and I always do as I'm told. "If you carry on like this I swear to god…." Yet he didn't finish that sentence, he didn't need to. The threat steals away any comfort I had slipped into despite the bickering. It's so easy to forget what Scott is. He's charming and attractive but he's also very intimidating at times. It makes me sad to think that what we once had couldn't be brought back to the here and now, it's just how it is, pitiful. So very sad and pitiful….

Once lost, Now found

Present time: Remembering shit from the years before bring with it a bitter taste in the back of my mouth. I breathe a sigh of relief when Luca pulls me close and inhales my smell. The one he always go on about (I love the smell your body makes) he would always tell me. At first I used to think, fucking weirdo. It was only when we had sex for the first time that I understood what he meant, then found I couldn't get nearly enough of his.

“Are you okay?” Always the same question. I hated answering that particular question because, my answer would always be (no i’m not) yet, I always answer with…

“I’m fine.” I was generally good at hiding how I really felt, I became my own master at hiding how shit I felt ... .then I would run away and cry on my own.

“Your lying Cas.” I look into his hazel eyes, they look ablaze with a deep yearning. “Don't hide how you feel from me.” But with Luca, I couldn't hide. He mastered it, somehow.

“Okay, I feel crap.” He gave me a soft smile. "Better?" I asked.

"Why do you feel crappy?"

"Just remembering something, is all." He skims his fingers over my face; I closed my eyes taking in that soft touch of his.

"I won't tell you not to think about past stuff, because I know how easy it is to not forget, but I'm here Cas, with you, now and I won't hurt you."

"I know." I replied, pulling some of his hair behind his ears. "You need a haircut." Roughing up his hair, he laughed a little. 

"You think so, I think it gives me that sexy rough look."

"It does indeed."

"You love it, my sexy rough look." I actually really do, I say running my fingers in his hair.

"I need to go to the bakery, it opens tomorrow."

"I know, I'm so proud of you." I could get used to this, all those perfect complements, yet I wondered how long they would last. "You're thinking again." 

"I can't help it, I worry about if…." He put his hand to my mouth.

"Don't think about it, I will love you all the time, more and more each day."

"How do you do it Luca? Stay so optimistic."

"Easy, I think about you and our everyday life and I know it will always be okay, not always perfect, but we will be good." I find it hard to swallow all those small promises, because I've heard them before, so many times. "I'm not him Cas, I wont allow us to fall apart."

"I hope so." 

"Hope, huh? Always keep hope, because sometimes it's all we have and I hope you will never think any differently or doubt me."

"I'm sorry." He pulled me in, I felt warm and so loved, more loved than I ever felt.

"And stop saying sorry."

"I will try, I can't promise I won't."

"Only say sorry when it's really necessary." I sunk into his embrace. I didn't want to move but unfortunately I had to. "Go on, get going. I will come meet you later."

"Oh yeah, it's your day off." I thought, for a moment.

"You should come work at my place."

"Maybe I will beautiful." I chuckled when his fingers hit a sensitive spot. "You're so cute."

"Alright, I'm gonna go." He grabbed my cheeks, smushing them. 

"So damn cute." Then he kissed me. "Go, before I eat you up." I smiled and left the bedroom, I grabbed my keys and wallet and left. I felt good, so good. I wasn't really afraid, not so much anymore; I mean doubt will always creep up in there but it only lasted minutes and Luca was there always reassuring me everything will be okay that it's slowly starting to sink in and one day I won't I feel that doubt or worry, it will finally be good, the way I've always wanted my life to be and it took a crazy guy like Luca to make me see that life is good and can always get better. I just really hope that it was the same for him and what he went through. I want him to trust that I'll be with him, even when he's fighting those demons. To know that even in the silence, I'm with him. No matter what. Trauma that Luca carries around with him is like no other, nothing I've been through could compare to his pain. I want him to know that I may doubt myself, but I will never doubt Luca. His will, his heart is so incredibly strong. But I still want him to know that my love for him is pure and real.