MAX

“Really? You want to do this here?”

For a second, it didn’t register what Cole meant. His voice came out quiet and strained like he didn’t want to be in the truck next to me, but I hadn’t forced him. Begged him, yes. When I’d told him what I wanted to say to him had to be done in private, he had come with me willingly, though. I might have left my bandmates hanging. Ryker had looked perplexed when I leaped off the stage and followed Cole out of the bar, but Evan would fill him in.

“Why not here?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He opened the door, jumped out, and slammed the door shut, rocking the vehicle.

Boy was he angry. And he had a right to be.

Please let me find the right words to let him know how sorry I am. That I never quite forgave myself for what my younger self had done to us…to him.

I got out as well and ran after him. He was already inside the old mill. As soon as I entered, a slew of memories overcame me. Of us laughing as we ran up the stairs. Me pushing him up against the wall so I could kiss his shyness away. It had always been that way at first. He would be shy, but after a few minutes of kissing, he would become the more dominant boy I’d craved.

My stomach churned. Now I understood. I had been coming here less recently but still visited. This place held memories I couldn’t let go of. He hadn’t been here in ten years, though. It must have been a punch in the gut for me to bring him here.

“Shit, Cole, I’m sorry.” I ran up the rickety stairs behind him. “I wasn’t thinking. We can go somewhere else and talk.”

“We’re already here,” he said without looking back. “And you’ve wasted eighteen minutes driving all this way.”

He couldn’t be serious about the thirty minute thing, could he? How could I unpack everything in that short amount of time in a way he would understand?

Our footsteps echoed through the silent corridors until we reached a narrow metal door that led to the rooftop. Cole pushed open the door but didn’t hold it for me. I caught it inches from my face, then followed him out onto the rooftop. He stood in the center, staring at an empty spot to the right.

In that corner, I would set up a tent, and we would forget the world existed. Once we’d spent the entire weekend out here all by ourselves. He’d lied to his aunt he was with Ashlee, and my old man hadn’t cared where I went as long as I was out of his way and I wasn’t asking him for money.

Cole turned around slowly, his chest rising and falling sharply.

“I’m—”

He slammed his fist into my stomach hard. Fuck. I doubled over with a grunt and squeezed my eyes shut, taking shallow breaths and waiting for the nausea to pass. Several minutes later, I was able to straighten up. Barely.

“Yeah, you were right to do that,” I said. “I deserved it.”

“No!” he snapped. “You don’t get to tell me my rights with you, Max. If I punched you a thousand times, it would still not be enough for what you did to me.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

That’s it? That’s the best you can do?

I’d waited ten years for this moment, and now I couldn’t find the words to let him know how much I hurt, for hurting him. None of that mattered. Not how I’d felt when I did it. Not even my reason, messed up as it was for trying to protect him by bullying him. Were I to bring that up, he would laugh at me.

All I’d done was hurt him. The man I still carried every day with me in my heart. I could never be at ease with any other partner. I’d tried and failed epically because I couldn’t get him out of my head. The need to make things right between us was too strong.

The need to replace the resentment in his eyes with the kind way he used to look at me.

He’d adored me in high school. He’d never been afraid to show or say it, but I’d fucked up.

“Is that all you have to say?” he asked. “Because you already said that to me ten years ago. In voice notes, voice mails, cards, text messages. Why do you think it’ll make a difference this time?”

“I don’t know if it can, but I’ve got to try. I can try to justify what I did by talking about my shitty father, peer pressure, and all that nonsense, but I won’t because that would make light of what I did to you. I had no right to treat you that way. I shouldn’t have treated anyone that way, much less someone I cared about.”

“Then why did you do it? Yeah, your friends Evan and Ryker treated people that way all the time, but you never did. You only picked on me. Why? Was it some internalized homophobia that made you loathe yourself for sleeping with me? Did you have to punish me for what we did?”

“No, I swear it’s not that.”

“Then you know why? Tell me.”

“I can’t.”

A few seconds passed in silence. “Well, some apology this is.”

Cole stalked past me. Shit, I was messing things up again. I reached out and grabbed his shoulder. “Please don’t go. I don’t want to say because now I realize how stupid it was.”

He stopped. “Are you going to tell me or what?”

I inhaled deeply, then let the breath out slowly. “I didn’t get the idea to…bully you until that day I broke your glasses. I’m sorry—”

“Just skip the sorries, man.”

“Yeah, well, I hated seeing you like that with Evan standing over you. I wanted to smack the shit out of him, but he was my best friend. We came from way back, and I couldn’t do that without ruining our friendship. So I told him to back off and slammed you in the locker for him to leave you alone. He couldn’t bully you if I was doing it.”

“Let me get this straight. You’re telling me you bullied me so your friend would stop bullying me?”

“It worked. And I tried not to be hard on you. Not as hard as he and the other guys would have been.”

“Jesus, you’re right.” He shrugged my hand off his arm. “That’s a dumb excuse if I ever heard one.”

“I know, but believe me, I didn’t want to bully you. At the time, I felt like I had to.”

“Okay.”

Okay? What did okay mean? Did he forgive me or what? I was too afraid to ask.

“You explained. Now take me home.”

My heart fell. “Cole, please.”

“Please, what?”

Please be mine again.

But that was wishful thinking. He didn’t feel for me what I still did for him. He had a life back in Atlanta now.

“Can you forgive me? I know you’ll not likely forget, but can we be…friends?”

Silence stretched between us. He averted his gaze and looked over the city. If only he would look at me so I could tell what was going on behind those eyes. But I might not. He was pretty good at guarding his secrets now.

“Take me home.”

Cole’s words pierced through me like a knife. The weight of his request crushed me, and the realization that forgiveness might not be within my reach was devastating.

For ten years, I’d waited, and it was still not long enough. Would he ever forgive me?

I nodded as emotions constricted my throat, making it impossible to speak. We drove to his grandaunt’s house in silence, the air filled with a heavy, suffocating tension. Every passing second felt like a lifetime, and I couldn’t help but steal glances at Cole.

What was going through his mind?

He sat still, his back ramrod straight, staring ahead. If he wanted me to apologize a thousand times before he forgave me, I would, but it seemed there were no words that could sway him. I couldn’t blame him. Only he knew the hurt he’d gone through because of how I’d treated him.

I wouldn’t have forgiven myself had I been in his shoes.

At his grandaunt’s house, I pulled into the driveway reluctantly when what I wanted was to take him to the house next door and convince him I regretted my actions. I’d barely parked the truck when Cole hopped out. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

“Here.” He threw the key at me. “Unless you want to explain to my grandaunt where her truck is, you might want to bring it by before six in the morning when she usually wakes up. I can turn her alarm off, but that’ll still give you about half an hour.”

I stared after him as he climbed the steps to the porch. What did this mean? Had he forgiven me? Was this the opening for us to be friends?