Chapter 15: My Heart Beats for Him

I’ve always found academically accomplished men attractive, but look at me now.

My heart is beating like crazy for this foolish man who is easily manipulated by that snake.

But I don’t think anyone would blame me if they saw his face. Even more than his face, his muscular build and deep voice are worthy of admiration.

It seems I made a mistake by letting him call me by my name.

He took it as a sign that I had let him into my life.

Now when he goes out, he chooses the back gate near the old house where I live.

So he has the chance to greet me and exchange a few sentences.

Then he slowly walks back to the carriage and waves at me with a smile before entering.

This man makes it really hard for me to hate him.

I’ve never been like this, I wasn’t easily swayed by handsome men’s faces.

I mean when my grandfather was alive and we went on trips around the world I saw all types of beauty.

But there’s something different about Raymond.

despite all that, I didn’t take his actions towards me as love.

Because he either does it out of responsibility or because Camellia has stopped giving him attention.

Even though I know the truth, I sometimes find myself thinking about the possibility of building a happy family with him, but that is not possible with Camellia around.

To me, having a normal, loving family of my own seems like an impossible dream.

But even if I can’t have him in real life… just imagining it every night was enough to bring a faint smile to my lips.

“I won’t try to win his love,” I reminded myself.

It’s too dangerous for me and the child.

Besides, Camellia has been in his heart for so many years and I doubt he will be able to give his heart to me completely.

After all, she is his first love and is carrying his child.

So I will try to calm my heart somehow.

Every time I look at the gate to see if Raymond’s carriage is passing by, I will stop myself by looking at the tall tower that can be seen from all directions.

Every time the image of his smiling face comes to my mind, I will stop myself by looking at the two guards standing in front of my old house.

Because they don't just protect me, they also keep me a prisoner

On the orders of the man my heart beats for.

That's why I decided to treat him coldly

"I'm sorry, the lady is taking a nap" I asked my maid to lie for me so I could avoid seeing him.

"I'm sorry, the lady is reading a book and advised me not to disturb her" Another lie I made up

I think even he started to realize that I was intentionally avoiding him

But that made him try harder

If Raymond had a love language, it would be gifts.

This time he seemed to think more about it

A bouquet of flowers, a basket full of cherries, and a book.

The more I pushed him away, the closer he tried to get

My due date was getting closer and I was getting nervous

What if things didn't go well

What if I didn't know how to take good care of my baby

What if the baby blamed me for bringing him into the world like this.

There were so many bad thoughts running through my mind

And I couldn't sleep properly.

One day I woke up early. I barely slept for 3 hours due to the contraction pains and decided to go for a walk.

Sometimes spring mornings are as cold as winter.

So the maid tried to convince me to go back inside but I didn't, something was pushing me out.

The yellow shawl I was wearing over my shoulders wasn't doing anything, it was very cold in the garden.

I stood there for a few minutes and before I finally decided to go back I heard footsteps.

"My lady what are you doing in the morning?" Raymond said with a surprised face and took a few steps towards me.

I looked at him and started crying.

"I'm scared... I'm scared Raymond" I kept repeating as my tears continued to fall.

"Raymond hugged me tightly.

"It's okay"

"You'll be fine"

Then he wiped my tears with his handkerchief.

"You'll be fine Tana" he said to me with a smile.