Despite my bitter rage, I have decided not to pursue this douchebag — this douchebag who had been sharing Rachel with me. I am a changed man after all. In fact, he can have her. She was supposed to want me, and me only. I feel compelled to physically hurt her, make her feel the way I do at this moment, but I won’t. She’s not worth it…

All of a sudden, Lilly’s sobbing begins to permeate through deaf ears, and I realize I am daydreaming. Reality takes over like a sinking ship, and I glance wearily at my watch to witness the horrific amount of time that has passed.

A car alarm blares frantically from across the street, jolting me for a ride two feet backwards in my office chair. I rub my temples and take steady breaths to calm myself before slipping back into a foggy haze.

Over the blaring shrieks, a thought of Laura comes twirling into my mind’s eye. I realize I have been thinking about her all day and well into the evening. Her hazel-green eyes pierce my soul with daggers of guilt. In hindsight, marrying her was perhaps the only decision that made sense.

“Anthony!” 

I grimace and cringe at the same time. “Uh…yeah, Babe.” 

She can’t possibly hear me. I had spoken under my breath almost deliberately. Then I realize how incredibly stoned I am. 

“Anthony, I need you now!!”

Reluctantly, I make my way down the stairs. I’m only partially present in this realm and clutching the stair rail like a frail old geezer. I fear this will have to be the last time I take a hit from that nasty old bong. I’m still in a world of shock and disbelief at Rachel and her ability to sleep with two men at the same time. 

For at least a whole year, Rachel was a way for me to cope. She was my outlet for rage, anger, and boredom—my escape from reality. 

I am racking my brain. I thought only men did this sort of thing. I thought she was a good girl…

“Anthony, what the heck is wrong with you today? I’ve been calling up the stairs to you for the last fifteen minutes! Help me with Lilly so I can cook dinner. She won’t freaking stop crying!” 

I glance at the wooden spoon in Candace’s right hand. It’s covered in dripping red sauce.

Blood…I think of the bloodshed that should have happened today, then I shake off the thought because I am trying to be a better person.

“Are we having spaghetti for dinner?” I ask her when I realize I’m starving. 

Candace pushes a sobbing Lilly into my arms and narrows her eyes at me ferociously. I gaze back at her stupidly, still waiting for a response.

“Dada?” Lilly caresses my cheek with her soft chubby hands. Her face is red and swollen, like she has been crying for the last hour or so. She immediately falls silent now, as she looks at me with her beautiful blue eyes, just like her mother’s, and just like Rachel’s.

Thoughts of her come streaming in again. I set Lilly down, as I feel my anger begin to rise. My jaw is clenching, my left eye twitching spastically, and Candace can sense it. She turns to face me from seven feet away as she stirs spaghetti sauce on the stove. She is frowning; her look is questioning and disheartening at the same time. 

Instead of meeting her gaze, I stare absently at the crow’s feet in the corner of her left eye.

When did those appear?

“Bad day, then?” she asks.

I quickly snap out of it. “I’m fine.”

She looks most dissatisfied with my reply.  Before I can make up an excuse she would be sure to disbelieve, Lilly tugs at my pant leg and looks up at me with a doe-eyed gummy smile. She misses me. I elude the conversation entirely by picking her up and delicately kissing her chubby cheeks. Candace’s frown turns to a contented smile, as though every affection I give our child were a get-out-of-jail free card. 

Candace is easy, I think to myself. Laura was more difficult to please. Laura was much smarter, and perhaps even wiser for finally leaving me.

Laura…I am thinking of her again. 

To be honest, I had not thought too much of Laura over the past year or so until recently, and especially now, the day I discovered Rachel’s affair. 

I feel it — the great void in my life, a void that desires to make itself known right now, of all times. I am ripped from my current state and forced back to a time when Laura was there for me, supporting me through some of my darkest moments.

I went and screwed that all up, not long after we wed. I can’t say that I will ever forgive myself, and neither should she. 

Does everyone sabotage what they have built as soon as it reaches the pinnacle stage, or is it just me?