Vida stopped me as I went to get my blankets. “You've been acting strange, Des, what's wrong?”

“Nothing.” I ducked under her arm, reaching for the blankets. “I'm cold.”

“Nothing, love, or nothing you want to talk about?” Her hand grabbed the blanket, tugging me around by it. “Tell me true.”

I avoided her gaze. “I said it's nothing, V. Leave me alone.”

She let go. I still couldn't look at her, couldn't make myself see the hurt in her eyes. “Fine then. Nothing.”

She didn't sleep next to me in the snuggle pile that night. I fell asleep on Fionnuala's fur, and woke up still feeling empty and wrung-out like wet laundry on the line.

Breakfast felt like I was only going through the motions. I wasn't hungry, and only managed to force down enough food so Seren wouldn't worry before I started on the dishes. I thought about using my magic to help clean them, and decided against it.

My magic was dirty, and, and toxic. Touching it was intoxicating and overwhelming, and even the thought right now was like the thought of sticking my hand into a fire. I didn't deserve the help cleaning up, the boost it provided. Reasons mixed and muddled into one result: soapy water and a sponge in frigid weather.

I was scrubbing a stubborn plate with all my strength and rethinking my decision not to use magic when a voice said, “Hey.”

Oh, Light, not now, please. “Hi, V.”

“I'm not mad at you.”

“I know.”

“I'm only hurt that you wouldn't talk to me.”

“I know.”

“And snapped at me.”

“I know, Vida.”

She went quiet. I paused and looked over at her. Her face had gone blank, emotionless. I winced and reached for the soap.

“I don't know how you can stand to touch water in this weather,” she said after a moment.

I shrugged.

“Are you mad at me?”

I started to shake my head, then paused mid-movement. I was, kind of.

“Des…” There. There was a hint of emotion now, her voice catching as she said my name.

I crumbled. I couldn’t stay mad.

“Maybe a little annoyed,” I admitted. “But mostly I just… have some things to think about.” 

A soft huff of laughter. “Do those things have anything to do with why you've been pretending you have a sore throat for weeks now? Or why your hair's always tied back lately?”

My throat seemed to swell up, stopping any words before they reached my tongue.

“You can tell me, you know, love? I'd rather you say something that stings than leave me to wonder eternally. Forever pining and all that.”

“I don't know.” I scrubbed harder at the plate.

“Are you sure?”

“No! I'm not sure of anything right now, and that's the problem!” I slammed the sponge into the bucket, splashing myself with icy droplets. “I don't know how I feel, and I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know if it's even okay and I think I'm broken!”

“Love, oh, love.” Her hand touched my shoulder, ran down my arm to my bare wrist, making me shiver. “You're not broken, I promise. Take your time, figure yourself out, and I'll be here for you. We all will.”

I wasn't so sure of that. I nodded anyways and tried to blink back tears. Wet clothes were bad enough, I didn’t need ice water on my face, too.

There were so many problems with me right now and I didn’t know how to make any of them go away.

“Vida?”

“Yes, love?”

I held my breath. “Would you still love me if I were a boy?”

There was a pause, entirely too long.

I opened my mouth to dismiss the question, say something else, anything to prevent the rejection I knew was coming–

“I can’t see why not.”

The words stopped in my throat, made me choke and cough. “B-because you said…”

“I know.” Slender fingers cupped my cheek, turning my face towards her. “I know what I said.”

“If I were a boy–” I couldn’t face her right now. I pulled away from her touch. “Vida, if I….”

“If you turned into a boy right now, you’d be as much you as if you turned into a worm.”

I coughed again, startled. My tension eased, if only a little.

“There’s stories about magic artifacts that change a girl into a boy, or a boy into a girl. I found them when I was young, and wished I had one so I could turn into a boy. That was before I realized I didn’t want to be a boy, I only wanted to be able to love girls without judgment. But…” Her hand slipped into mine and squeezed, gently. “If it’s not that way for you, darling, if you’d take the magic and use it… I’m in no place to judge.”

I sniffled and leaned into her. “But you only like girls.”

“There’s an exception to everything. And I don’t want to lose you. Not even if you turn into a worm.” She nudged me with her shoulder. “I’m fonder of boys than I am of worms, love.”

I choked on a laugh. “I don’t wanna lose you either. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.”

“You're just saying that,” she said, fondly.

“You are!” I squeezed her hand. “I'm happier than I ever was back home. Even if I'm more broken now, I'm happier.”

“I don't understand.” Her brow creased. “Love, nothing about you is broken. Boy or girl, whoever you love, you're perfect.”

I hugged her fiercely. She wouldn't think that if she knew about my twisted magic, so it was better she never know. She loved me as I was, girl or boy, and… I could keep the magic away. It didn't have to matter.

“So…” Vida said carefully when I finally pulled back. “Am I to understand you’re a boy now? Is that why you’ve been practicing your Luken role so much?”

I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded. “I… I think so. If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay, darling.” Her arm slipped around my shoulders. “A bit of getting used to, to be sure, but if it makes you happier it’s certainly okay. Do you want to tell anyone else?”

I hadn’t thought that far ahead. 

At my silence, she continued, “Not everyone has to know, even if you trust them, love. I’m glad you told me, but believe me, Seren and Blythe and all the others will understand just fine if you tell them on your own time.”

Tension held my back stiff. “You’re sure they won’t be upset?”

“By you not telling them, or you being a boy?”

“Either. Both.”

“I’m sure, love.” Vida’s hands folded over mine as she leaned in. “You’re such a silly human sometimes.”

“Your silly human,” I managed.

“My silly human,” she agreed, and kissed me.