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It had been years since I’d slept without dreams, waking from only a dark void. It was odd to feel well rested, a moment of bliss as I stretched and groaned as my joints gave off satisfying cracks… But it was short lived as reality quickly set in. I could feel the mattress indented beside me and the warmth off of Dakota’s body where he huddled close to my side. I swallowed, looking down at where he slept peacefully, his face free of worry as his hand held the curve of my bicep. 

I stared at his long blond lashes, stealing myself a moment to brush his hair out of his face with the backs of my fingers. There were bruises on his throat, places my mouth had claimed and marked—as if I had been trying to make him mine. I’d wanted him to be mine if only for a moment—terrified of losing him. 

You’re beautiful. My own words filled my mind as I recalled saying them to him, breathy and pleading… already deep inside him and with no going back. 

Pulling myself away, I gently slipped out of his hold, careful not to wake him. I pulled the covers up over him, shivering as I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Carrot raised her head from where she’d slept on the floor—her space being occupied. 

I pressed my finger to my lips, signaling for her to be quiet as I picked my clothes up off the floor. I grabbed Dakota’s too, seeing his discarded shirt covered with evidence of the unexpected events of last night. 

I threw them in the laundry basket, not wanting to look at them as I made my way toward the shower; I was sticky, my hair lank with sweat. I’d been so overcome with satisfaction and exhaustion I hadn’t even had the energy to clean up. 

Grabbing clean clothes I walked into the bathroom, setting them aside as I turned the valve of the shower. The noise hit me like a wall amidst the silence and I waited for the water to warm before I sealed myself into the steaming shower, hoping to wash away all my thoughts of last night. 

It seemed like a hopeless task. 

Pressing my palms against the wall, I let the hot water rush over me, soothing my muscles and running through my dark hair. My mind was full of Dakota—kissing me, touching me, wanting me… 

I opened my eyes, panting as I watched the residue quickly wash away down the drain. 

I could lie to myself and say it was just a result of being pent up and alone for years, but it wasn’t. It was him. My polar opposite, sunny and open, caring and kind. He was young and innocent and untouched by the state of the world in his perfect trailer. It was like I had found a little piece of heaven hidden in a wasteland. “You don’t have to leave… You can stay here with me. This can be your home, too.” That’s what Dakota had said. 

When he woke up, would he have changed his mind? Would it just be awkward and unbearable? I’d been stupid to risk the only home I’d known in the past six years and whatever relationship I had built with Dakota, no matter what I’d been feeling or caught up in. It had been selfish, and now… He had the means to protect himself, he didn’t need the added risk of shacking up with me.

“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath, cursing myself as I pushed back my hair. Last night couldn’t happen again. None of this could happen again. If Dakota let me stay—and I doubted that he would—I’d have to control myself. 

I couldn’t get attached to him; it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair. 

The water began to run cold as I lathered soap over myself, scrubbing my body to get it clean and rinsing my hair free of Dakota’s sweet shampoo. I didn’t want to get out, but when the temperature turned to freezing I shut off the water, grabbing a thick, plush towel to dry myself off with. 

Without the added noise of the rushing shower I heard footsteps. My heart skipped a beat as I wondered if it was just Carrot, but then I heard the clatter in the kitchen and knew Dakota had woken up and was making breakfast. 

I stood there, frozen, heart racing in my chest as I wondered how long I could stay in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to face him. I dried my hair, shaved, brushed my teeth, and changed into jeans and a white t-shirt. I did everything I could think of to lengthen my time but when I was out of excuses, there was nothing left to do but leave the solitude of the small, cramped bathroom. 

I opened the door, letting the steam escape as the cool air hit me. I kept my head down, eyeing my side table as I wondered how quickly I could grab my cigarettes and lighter and make an escape outside, but I didn’t make it more than a few steps before Dakota’s bright and sunny voice hit the back of me. 

“Where are you going in such a rush?” His words were soft and teasing, metal clanging on the stovetop as he moved the pan off the hot burner and turned off the heat. Dakota’s steps padded toward me, Carrot wagging her tail where she laid at the foot of the pull out bed. 

I had planned on avoiding looking at him, but my gaze moved on its own, magnetized to him. His blonde hair was a ruffled halo around his face, his skin slightly flushed as he gave me a hesitant smile. Dakota was wearing one of my shirts…and nothing else, the slight soft curve of his legs exposed as he sat on the edge of the dinette table. “It would have been okay to sleep in for once, but since you’re up, will you join me for breakfast?” 

Did he want that to soften his words when he told me to leave and that last night had been a mistake? 

My heart was pounding so strongly in my chest, for a moment I couldn’t answer. His demeanor hadn’t been what I expected, and it took me a moment to recalculate my response; everything I’d thought to say was suddenly replaced by the single fact that Dakota was beaming at me…wearing my shirt, which was much too large for him. 

I swallowed, grunting out the low response of, “I was just going to step out for a smoke.” 

Dakota blinked at me, his smile dimming slightly as he tried to hide his disappointment in my response. “Right, I should’ve guessed,” he muttered, his fingers gripping the edge of the table as he looked up at me. “Can it wait a bit? I wanted to talk to you… about last night. There’s something I want to say.”