I, Andromeda, threw myself dramatically onto my plush bed. I pressed my face into my many pillows and I kicked my shapely legs in frustration. 

“She gets to have all the fun!” I cried. 

“I’m sorry, your wickedness.” A voice croaked from beside the door. The Bogmogog Toad crouched, sentry to my bedchamber. 

“Do better, Boggy.” I lifted myself onto my elbows. “If you could fly, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. You must learn to fly. If you don’t, I’ll find a toad who WILL. And you remember what happened to the last familiar that disappointed me, don’t you?” 

“Yes, your wickedness.” 

I flopped onto my back with an exasperated sigh. But my frustration melted away as I caught my reflection in the mirrored panels above my bed. Red tresses scattered across the pillows like rays of sunrise. My eyes were a most striking shade of cursed lavender, my lips a deep red that made my lovers think of the warm blood beneath my flesh. My porcelain flesh. Pleasingly pink in all the right places. I coveted my beauty…but my most prized possession, or, should I say, possessions, were my big bouncy beautiful earlobes. Big enough to hold many sparkly diamonds. The men in town would constantly avert their eyes downward to avoid being overcome with lust. 

“Thats it!” I sat up in a rush, the bed squeaking loudly beneath me.

“I’ve got it!” I leaped from the bed, my perfect feet hitting the wood floor with the gentle click of my slippers. 

“I know what I must do!” I twirled across the room to the window, a large arched panel of glass hidden behind heavy curtains. A flung them open, letting the light of morning flood my room, illuminating shelves of witchy type things like books and rodent bones and vials of poison.

I fumbled with the lock before swinging open the great panes. A burst of frigid air punched me in the face.

“Nope”  I quickly closed the window. 

“Boggy, prepare thy self. We will be journeying to the land of the fae.”

“But how will we cross into their lands, across the barrier, your wickedness?”

I chewed on my lip as I gazed out the window to the frost glittered gardens below. I could just see the ghost of my reflection in the glass. Damn, I was so sultry right now. 

“How will we find their lands, lands that are on no map? Lands that are only foretold in limerick and prose, your wickedness?” 

I shifted my gaze a millimeter to Boggy’s reflection. He peered at me with giant wet yellow eyeballs, his wide froggy mouth moving in pantomime, though he spoke with the same magic as Oblegaimon - a sort of telepathy. He was wearing socks on his feet and hands.

I had chosen him not because he was the smartest toad. Most certainly not. But because he was the hottest toad. He had finely sculpted pecks, topped off with pink puckered froggy nipples. Sure, he wasn’t like the other toads, but I wasn’t like other witches. I needed a familiar that people would remember. That people would fear. Fear for his brutish strength and unusual nipnops, which admittedly raised a lot of questions. 

But today, he had a point. Well, three if you counted his perky nips. I didn’t know where the curtains to the fae lands parted, nor the magic words to speak at their gates. 

I threw myself on the bed again, with a stifled sob. All I knew was I needed to get to the fae lands, whip out my great globed lobes, and take that hunk of fae prince as my own. 

I rolled back out of bed, landing gracefully like a lady ninja. I whipped off my robes with a flourish. Boggy didn’t avert his eyes. He licked the air with his pink tongue. I had once thought to woo him and his six pack, but this wasn’t that type of tale and I wasn’t his type of gal, his type being other toads, and he wasn’t my type of pal, my type being, well, my own reflection. 

I strode to my bureau and pulled open the heavy doors. Inside was a pile of clothes I had intended to sort. They cascaded out and around my ankles. I began to pick through the doom pile, tossing linens over my shoulders. Gossamer gowns and silken scarves. Beaded blouses, sexy intimates. A leather gimp suit - made from the skin or my previous toad familiar, who had had a disappointing lack of nippledness. 

I found what I was looking for. My business pants. I knew it wasn’t proper for a woman to wear pants, but I was going to need my prisoner to know I meant business. Besides, they hugged my shapely thighs and tight ass just fine. 

I pulled on a red laced corset, lacing it up the front, pushing my fleshy chest up high enough that I could feel the brush of my sexy earlobes. I finished off the look with a sheer blouse. I buttoned it halfway - as far as I could - and wove my incredibly shiny hair into a loose braid that swung at the tops of my butt cheeks. 

“Retrieve the cat prisoner.” I ordered Boggy, turning to him with a flourish of beauty and grace. 

“You got tit. I mean, you got it, your wickedness!” And at that, Boggy hopped through the door and down the hall. 

That sexy little cat boy snack would tell me what I needed to know, and if my exposed lobes didn’t do it, my sharpened blade surely would.