Tristan walked out of his father’s office feeling more tired than he had when he returned home earlier that day. Having to go into detail on almost every little thing he did and saw was exhausting, especially when much of it he had to fabricate or gloss over. It felt like he was giving a history and current affairs report all at once and if he got one tiny detail wrong, he would be severely punished. This time, he felt like he passed the test.

He fingered the stone that hung in the center of his chest, rubbing it absentmindedly, grateful for its constant warmth. He wished he could have stayed, but they all knew he couldn’t. No one felt good about Tristan returning to Helman Court, but there were some things that couldn’t be avoided. His duties as the next King being high among them.

He groaned as he rounded the corner down the hall that led to his room, running his hands through his hair, messing it up the second he knew there was no one around. It sucked that Julian had left before Tristan had come home, but he understood why. Tanya did, too. They’re chief complaint was that he never took them with him.

“It’s too dangerous,” he’d told them once. “Sometimes I have to do things that could get me hurt or in trouble and I don’t need you guys getting caught up in that.”

“Is that why you changed your last name?” Tanya had asked. 

Julian nodded. “That’s part of it, yeah. The family has enough on its name thanks to Uncle Toji. My bullshit doesn’t need to add on to it.”

Tristan flopped on his bed, face first. “I still wanna go, moron!” he shouted into his bedding, adding a muffled yell for good measure. After a minute, he rolled over, extending his limbs out as he stared at the ceiling. “I hate this place,” he muttered.

“You and me both, kid,” a voice said from the doorway.

Tristan didn’t have to turn his head to know Tanya was there, closing the door behind her. He heard the click of nails hurry quickly across the room just before a heavy form jumped on the bed, and Sun’s tongue went to work on the boy’s face. He laughed, raising his arms to ward off the attack and failing. Sun whined with joy, his tail slapping his sides as he rolled into his young friend’s side, pushing and grunting for extra love. Tanya chuckled, sitting down next to her brother and reaching out to pet the goofy dog.

Tristan turned his bright red eyes to his sister, shining with happiness to see her. “When did you actually get back?”

“Last night,” she admitted. “I didn’t have my lines memorized yet to meet them.”

“Hannah is a good Guard to cover for you.”

She shrugged. “She wanted some time with her boyfriend, anyway. It worked out.” She sighed heavily and lay down next to him, Sun moving to wriggle between them.

“We missed Juli,” the boy said.

“He texted me,” Tanya said, pulling out her phone and holding it above her face as she brought up his message string. She showed it to Tristan who smiled. 

“Is that the ruins in front of Helman Hall?” he asked, pointing at the image Julian had sent.

Tanya nodded, flicking up to bring up another image. “Him and Felix went for a walk through them before heading out to Kanaki Valley. He said they’ll be there till tomorrow morning.”

“Where are they going after that?”

She shrugged, flipping through a few more pictures their brother had sent. “Don’t know, he didn’t say.”

Tristan frowned. “Why didn’t he try and call me?”

“‘Cause you don’t have a phone, stupid,” Tanya said in a low, mocking voice.

Tristan made a face that she mimicked and they both smiled, laughing easily. Tanya darkened the phone screen and set the phone upside down on her chest, tilting her head closer to her brother. Sun sighed and set his blocky head on her stomach, his tail whipping lazily between the siblings.

“Yeah well, I don’t need them knowing where I am, anyway,” Tristan said, his smile gradually fading away. “Like they’d care even if they did.”

Tanya sighed, nodding. She brushed some of her brown hair from her face, her hand falling behind her head. “They loved us once,” she said sadly. “Not just in front of other people, either.”

“Juli said Mom used to smile and play a lot more when you two were kids.”

Tanya nodded. “She did. Dad, too. I don’t know if it was because of what happened with Uncle Toji or what, but it’s like we just don’t matter to them anymore.” She frowned. “No…no they started acting like that before you were born.”

He rolled his head slightly to look at her, saying nothing. 

After a moment she said, “When me and Julian were little, Mom and Dad genuinely did love each other and us. Dad would do a lot of little things for Mom, surprise both of us with presents on Valentine’s Day, take Juli out for a boys’ day, all that kind of stuff. They laughed and teased each other all the time. Someone even caught them making out in the halls once.”

Tristan grinned, exhaling softly through his nose. “Did they really?”

“Yeah,” Tanya giggled. “They just laughed and ran off. They were grown adults acting like horny teenagers but they didn’t care. Dad even used to pull pranks with Juli.” She smiled over at her brother. “They got both me and Mom pretty good a few times. Dad said Uncle Toji was better at pranks than he was, though. What he knew, he learned from his brother. Aunt Ynda was none too pleased to learn about that, either.”

Tristan chuckled. “I bet.”

Tanya’s gaze fell and she rolled her head back to stare at the ceiling. “Then one day it all just sort of…stopped. They stopped laughing, stopped playing. Stopped giving a shit. Sure, it got a little better for a while after you were born, but after everything blew up with Toji, the barrier, the Reconstruction…” she shook her head and sighed. “Well…you know.”

Tristan sobered as well, scratching behind Sun’s ears, the dog snoring happily. “Yeah,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I know.” After another moment, he added, “I’m jealous of you guys.”

“Why?”

“You have someone who really does love you.” His expression softened and he swallowed hard. “I know I’m only a kid, but I see how different both of you are from before you met your mates. Maybe someday I will, too, and I can be just as happy.”

“Julian’s not happy, Tan,” Tanya said softly. “He hasn’t been in years.”

“Would you be if Nikolai went missing?”

“No,” she conceded. “I would be pretty damn miserable, in fact. The only difference is, I know where he’d be because our connection was firmly established before we…u-um…” Her eyes shifted and she blushed. “Bef-fore we, you know…became bound…” she finished in a near inaudible voice.

Tristan rolled his eyes. “I know what sex is, Yaya, geez.”

Tanya covered her face as it heated up further. She groaned, shaking her head. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad, please!”

“Like they’d care even if they did know,” Tristan said, slowly scratching Sun behind the ears. The dog’s eyes twitched in his sleep and he licked his lips before settling back in. “Besides, you know better than to have to ask me to keep secrets from anyone other than Juli.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” she said, running her hands into her hair, her coloring beginning to normalize. They were quiet a moment, both staring up at the ceiling, their minds drifting aimlessly in their comfortable silence. In all the castle, the only time the two felt at home was when they were together. It was better when Julian was around, but that had become more and more infrequent in recent years.

“Should we go join him?” Tristan asked out of the blue. Tanya didn’t need to ask him to explain what he meant.

She exhaled slowly. “I want to say yes,” she said. 

“But?”

“What he’s doing is too important and we’d only get in the way.”

“You already asked.” It wasn’t a question.

“Those were his exact words.” They both knew Julian wasn’t saying it to be mean, either. He’d let them join him a few times, and when he didn’t, there was always a reason.

Another brief pause. “But?”

“He never said anything about not helping him.”

The two turned to each other and smiled.

-*-

Havik’s fist stopped just shy of knocking on Tristan’s door, his fingers slowly uncurling as he listened to his children’s voices speaking further into the depths of the room. They raised and lowered with their emotions, both of them comfortable with each other as they shared secrets and concerns about their brother. When he heard them laughing, his shaking hand lightly touched the wood, his head dipping as his eyes closed.

He sighed, his fingers trailing down the door. He wanted to go in, to talk with Tanya and Tristan, to reconnect somehow. Hearing the timbre of their voices from where he stood, he knew that his presence would destroy the happiness they were sharing. For all the other things he had done wrong, he could at least prevent that error. Yet, so often he found himself wandering in front of one of their doors, the desire to reach out strong, if brief. 

There were moments, just like now, where he really missed his family. Missed laughing and being a father and a husband. That laughter he heard muffled behind the thick door and several feet deep into the room used to be so much closer. He had even contributed to it, reveling in their shrieks and squeals as he chased them and threw them in the air. He missed holding Kayla close to him, touching her, kissing her, being inside her, feeling her warmth surround him and invading his core. He missed how much he had loved her; how much he had loved them all.

“Give up.”

He slowly opened his eyes, taking in the smooth stone under his feet. He wouldn’t look at her. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of another cold glare. He wouldn’t let her see the cracks that were starting to form behind his stony red eyes.

“Just give up, Vik,” she said. There was no anger in her tone, no hate or loathing. She just sounded…tired. “You’ve destroyed this family enough. Trying to bridge a crevasse of your own making is pointless.”

He swallowed, the hand at his side curling into a loose fist before uncurling slowly. “You’re not going to let me try anymore, are you?”

She said nothing, which said everything. 

His shoulders dropped slightly. “Have you made your decision?” He kept his voice low. 

“Nearly,” she said, her voice at the same pitch. “I’ll give it to you before the selection starts.”

He bit the inside of his lip, his stomach turning to lead. “Is there anything I can say…” he whispered. “Anything I can do, to make you change your mind before then?”

“Go back twelve years and make better choices.” She took a few slow, deliberate steps toward him and stopped. “Better yet, go back even further and remove the strings you tied around Toji’s neck.”

“He has absolutely nothing to do with any of this, Kayla,” he said, letting his gaze shift to her, glaring at her a moment before turning back to the door. “Although, I won’t disagree that the situation could have been handled differently.”

She snorted softly, shaking her head. “Seriously?”

“He made his own choices, Kayla,” he said shortly, not for the first time. 

“Right. Just like you did.” She folded her arms across her chest, glaring at him. “But that’s not your fault either, right?”

His fingers pinched into the door and he straightened. The moment of desiring what he once had disappeared in a flash, forgotten even quicker. It wasn’t like he could change it now, anyway. Her demands of him were unreasonable and couldn’t be met, and his children were strangers to him. He had made his choices, just as she said, and these were the consequences. He’d apologized to Kayla but she still refused to accept it. That was her choice. Just as it was Tristan, Tanya, and Julian’s choices to remain stiff and formal with him.

It was a situation he couldn’t fix, so therefore it was no longer his problem.

He turned from his wife without a word, and walked away.

-*-