Warning: Panic attack

The survey team would land at 0800. We were up two hours early checking the perimeter, ensuring the habitat was in perfect shape. If anyone would complain to Corporate, it would be a survey team member. Most didn’t like having the militia around.

While I hadn’t been on a planetary tour, I met other divisions that worked with us and they rarely gave us smiles. We were the hired guns, deplorable garbage from across the universe too desperate to do anything else with our lives. If other teams had to choose anything, it would be a security unit, but they were expensive and often for the more elite customers. Even droids were considered of higher cost than our lives.

Arana and I were tasked with a perimeter patrol, more thorough than what we did yesterday. We went into the jungle, scrutinizing the flora. Nothing changed. No bugs like the one that previously attacked us appeared. We returned to the habitat before the survey team’s shuttle came into view.

The shuttle shot out of the sky, then slowed and came into focus. The troop surrounded the area, protection on all sides and leaving a great birth for the descending shuttle. All watched as there had been faulty shuttles before. No one wanted to be crushed by falling debris.

The shuttle's descent caught the field in a wind, thrashing about soil and flora. Landing gear extended, bringing the shuttle to a stand still. Arana and I were stationed at the back of the shuttle. We didn’t see the survey team exit, only heard the groaning of the landing pad.

Half of our team got onto the same shuttle. They would return to Main and be shipped elsewhere while our remaining half would keep an eye on the survey team. A great humming came from the engine prior to take off. The shuttle sped toward the sky. Outside the habitat, the survey team, shrouded in gray gear and carrying their luggage, followed Roys inside. Ten in total, as he said.

“What do you suppose they’re like?” asked Arana on the trek to the habitat.

“Curious,” I replied.

“I hope they’re hot.”

“You have partners.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the view.”

I couldn’t fault her for that, although my appreciation of a good view led to fornication. For her sake, and her girlfriends’, she better not fall prey to lust.

In the habitat, the troops waited in the communal area. Roys’ earlier orders stated the survey team wanted to investigate the surrounding flora. They wouldn’t conduct tests, but they were likely as interested as I was upon landing. On a strange new world, they weren’t going to sit in an empty lab. They would go out to explore, decide where to go first, then truly start tomorrow.

Lilea, Ryker, Zavir, and Iylene sat together at one of the dining tables since the couches were full. Arana approached them, giving me the opportunity to stand alone or join. Lighting a cigarette, I followed and fell into a chair beside Arana. Iylene stared, though said nothing, and Lilea’s head retracted slightly into her shell.

“Do you think they’ll let us name anything?” Ryker asked, either not feeling the tension or ignoring it. “Like the flora and shit they catalogue.”

“Considering we catalogued one as Vampire Fern, it’s unlikely,” Zavir replied.

“To be fair, scientists come up with shit names that no one can pronounce or are full of numbers. Vampire Fern tells you exactly what it is.”

“Which is why they won’t keep it. Those brainiacs like having a language all their own,” said Arana.

The doors opened to the survey team's barracks. Everyone sat taller. Roys stepped out to wave a hand at me. “Ethin.”

Ryker made a childish sound that got him a whack to the back of the head when I passed. Pinching off my cigarette, I tossed the remnants into the pack and got up.

Meeting Roys at the doors, he stepped inside, gesturing for me to follow. Their side was nicer than others, cleaner with more updated equipment. They had their own smaller communal area where halls led to separate sections. The doors were all closed, save the one we took toward the lab that brought a heavy scent of cleaning supplies.

“The survey team wants to talk to us about the incident in the cave,” he explained.

“Didn’t you write up a report? Surely they saw it too,” I said.

“They like taking their own account. Said they know what to ask for.”

“And I’m guessing you don’t want me to go over every detail.”

We came upon the doors leading to the lab. Doors typically opened for us, but these had a light above the doorway, a scanner. While scanning us, Roys replied, “Give whatever details you want.”

The doors opened and he entered. I wasn’t interested in talking to the survey team, but Roys would likely do most of the talking. Past the doors, the lab spread open in a dome shape. The droids handled putting up that side of the habitat. They were more skilled and achieved sectioning off the dome to prevent materials from mixing. The front section was clearly meant for collaboration, a communicative space where a great desk with a giant holo screen for those to see on either side. An Aevid, like Iylene, sat at the head of the table.

“Ethin Katlan, yes?” The Aevid gave a low bow of their head.

“Everyone calls me Lucky,” I replied.

“Lucky. I am Elado, Head Researcher of The Gragovosichia Project.”

Stupid. Fucking. Names.

“We read Captain Malik’s report concerning the unfortunate flora attack and your struggles in a nearby cave system. We are interested in visiting this cave at some point and would greatly appreciate hearing the story directly from you.” Elado gestured toward the table. “If you wouldn’t mind taking a seat, an assistant and I will catalogue your report.”

I didn’t get a chance to sit at the table because a ghost looked at me from the other side.

She was there. Flesh and blood. Not a nightmarish configuration of what she once was, what my mind conjured her to be. There was color in his cheeks, no bones protruding from the soft tissue or decay. A living, breathing person, dark hair cropped at the shoulders and eyes the same pale brown as mine.

The noise of the world bled away. There was nothing, save us. She should have screamed. Should have reached toward me, the flesh deteriorating from her fingers and eyes full of maggots like in my dreams. But she didn’t. She was there, shocked, mouth opening and closing, opening and closing. Mine remained firmly shut. So tense my jaw ached and muscles cramped. But I did nothing. Said nothing. Stood in silence.

“Ethin.” Roys’ hand on my shoulder broke the cage.

Sound rushed in. Too loud. Too much. Lights everywhere, flashing through the lab. Elado searched for answers between us. Roys feigned concern. Then there was her, speaking, and it was really her voice. Not the one shrieking in my nightmares. Truly her.

“I must request that Tobs and I switch assignments. He is more than capable of conducting this interview,” she said, calm in a way she had never been.

Her potty mouth became mine. Her attitude became mine. She was the original and I the clone, forever leeching off her shine in hopes of achieving my own.

“Madlyn, will you not explain what’s going on?” Elado asked.

“He’s my brother,” she spat out the phrase like the most vile curse, all professionalism gone in a flash. There she was, the ruthless sister I always knew, her eyes daggers. “I’ll find Tobs and inform him of his new duties.”

“Maddy,” her name came out a pathetic whimper I’d do anything to take back. It said too much, showed a hand meant to be mine alone.

She stormed into the back of the lab, vanishing as swiftly as she came. A part of me dared to desire going after her. The smallest piece because the rest of me, the smartest parts, knew better. Real or not, there would be no we. There was only her and me. I made that abundantly clear.

“The captain can tell our story. You don’t need me.” I shoved Roys’ hand off my shoulder. I didn’t want him touching me. Didn’t want anyone touching me.

“Ethin,” he said in that stupid fake caring voice. “Lucky!”

I threw open the doors, storming out, away. Hurrying, pushing, out of the survey team’s area and through the communal space. The world bled by in a blur, colors and sounds and shadows. Nothing real. Nothing could possibly be real. Maddy couldn’t be here. She died. It was a lie.

A lie. Had to be. Must be.

I walked and walked, out of the habitat, through the field, past the energy shield and into the jungle. The sun hot on my face, the jungle cool on my skin, did nothing, spared me from nothing. I swatted and ripped and pushed and shoved, feeling too much, not knowing where to go or what to do.

A once wide world shrank. The flora, beautiful and inviting, was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t see from my blurred vision. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. My visor blared. Warning. Warning Warning. All my vitals went red, breathing fearfully labored. Ripping off the visor, I threw it on the ground and fell there in the heat, wishing the vines would breach and rip me apart. That’d be less painful than this, whatever this was, whipping and whirling, shredding me to pieces.

That night played over in my head too many times to count. Maddy haunted my dreams. She was the specter on the edge of every nightmare, always waiting to deliver the final blow. Her scream, my name, pleading on her bloody tongue, was a part of me, carved so deeply it would never heal. But there was always a relief, a sick fucked up relief that she was dead, that she wasn’t suffering, just gone.

Except she wasn’t. She was here, at the habitat, in front of me, alive… and abandoned.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

I ripped apart petals. Tore stalks out of soil. Kicked and thrashed and threw, using a limb to crush another, hitting over and over and over until my muscles shrieked. Until I shrieked, loud, painful, cracking my voice, forcing the bugs to scatter in droves. My nails cracked, bleeding. My throat ached, going hoarse. There was sap everywhere, all over me, mixed with sweat. I got sick, vomiting all I had for breakfast. Then there was a crack and I spun, flamethrower drawn.

I saw Maddy, her eyes sunken and leg hanging at an odd angle, broken nearly beyond recognition. Then she vanished and Lilea was there. Arms up, her head retracted into her shell to reveal two big yellow eyes.

“It’s just me,” she said tentatively.

“What…” I swallowed hard and set the flamethrower aside. My hands were sticky, covered in sap and blood. My breaths were labored, my question little more than a raspy whisper, “What are you doing here?”

Lilea dropped her arms and her head peeked out, little by little. “I thought you didn’t look so good and being out here on your own isn’t allowed, so I followed you.”

Followed and watched me have a breakdown. The flora had been decimated, a sea of carcasses at our feet. Sap bled from the torn petals and broken stalks. Blooms wilted, drooped over in mourning. Their broken pieces crunched beneath our boots, endless proof of my destruction. More than that, five of my nails were cracked, sore and bleeding. I tasted blood in my mouth. My cheeks were sore and my head felt moments away from imploding, even more so now as a peculiar agitation took root.

“We should head back, otherwise the captain will come retrieve us personally, and neither of us want that.” Lilea retrieved my visor. She went to slide it on me. I evaded.

My voice held an edge I didn’t think of using. “What are you doing?”

“I just said--”

“Why would you risk coming out here for me? It’s dangerous. You don’t even have your flamethrower.”

Lilea glanced at her waist where her holster hugged a useless blaster. She could have died for me, of all fucking people.

“Did you forget I abandoned you? That I would do so again, if I had to? You shouldn’t… are you a complete fucking idiot?” I licked my lips that were sweetened by sap. Never had I tasted such a thing. My mouth salivated and I swallowed hard, feeling sick.

Lilea shoved my visor on so roughly that my knees buckled. It fell into place and my heart rate blinked on the screen, slowing but not steady.

“Being pissy toward me won’t push me away, if that is what you are trying.” Lilea yanked the flamethrower from my shoulder.

I could have stopped her, but my shaking hands were clue enough that she would do better with it than I could.

Lilea stood tall. “We all make our own choices out here and my choice is to help my team, regardless of their temper tantrums.”

I nearly bit through my tongue, struggling between shaking or yelling at her. I chose to do neither, forcing my shaking voice to mutter, “You should make better choices. Our world does not favor compassion.”

“Our world does not favor much of anything, save the credits in their banks, so we might as well choose what to favor ourselves. Now come here. You look like you need a hug.”

I didn’t have the energy to respond or evade her approach. My limbs were lead, my body frozen. When she hugged me, I didn’t return the gesture. To do so felt wrong, like I didn’t have the right to accept it. She rubbed her head against mine while making that cooing sound her people did when comforting each other. There was no comfort for me, nothing to remove an ache from a wound that had long since festered and rotted me from within.

The word came out cracked, a broken, pathetic thing. “I am… sorry.”

She linked her arm with mine. “That sounded mighty painful for you to say. Are you alright?”

“I may spontaneously combust, so you should consider keeping your distance.”

Lilea laughed while moving us through the forest. My body was nothing more than a vessel she led.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” she asked.

I shook my head.

“Okay.” She kept a conversation with herself, droning on about the possibility of Roys letting us break out an extra case of booze to celebrate the arrival of the survey team. That was all I heard, mumbled noises continuously interrupted by Maddy’s voice.

“He’s my brother,” that hatred, the vitriol, the next thing to haunt my nightmares.

“Captain.” Lilea stopped. We were inside the energy shield, in the field, right outside the jungle.

Roys stood in front of us, arms crossed, lips set into a grim line. He took one look at me and softened. I fucking hated it. Almost as much as I hated how he didn’t discipline us.

“Hit the showers. You need it,” was all he said before he walked away.

“Well, that went better than we could have hoped.” Lilea patted my arm. “He’s right, though. You’re sticky. Smells good, though.”

I didn’t talk in the habitat. Lilea didn’t let us linger. She took me through the barracks to the showers where I sat under the steaming water wishing to drown.