I hadn't seen my brother in years now. Sam, I think about you every day. Picture frame in hand I set it next to my bed on the night stand. This was probably the only picture we took as kids. Before I left. I smiled lightly, it was raining that day. We decided to play outside in our ponchos and rain boots. It was peaceful inside the house, mother and father were away on business. Our nanny and the maids were the only ones in the house.

"Momo look!" Sammie grabbed my hand pointing at the small huddle of frogs. "They must have come out with the rain" I smiled. 

"Wow, where are they going?" 

"Well probably migrating over where its moist"

"like birds?"  

"um, kind of ?"

Sammie was always so curious, naturally for a 7 year old, but I didn't have all the answers as a 12 year old either. I chuckled lightly.

We used to make mud people. Or mud pies with leaves.

"Look here boys" then the camera flashed. "You two look adorable."

Our nanny was nice and fond of us. As we were with her. She was the only nice thing I remember from that house. Besides Sammie.

But that's how we got to capture this moment. A couple of days later I left Korea. I would've never guessed for good. I sighed deeply. He never wrote or called. I tried sending letters to the manor. But I never heard anything back. He probably doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. After all, I was ostracized from the family. He probably realized how much better life was without me.

I curled up in bed clenching my head. It wasn't fair. I had to endure everything. I did everything I could to protect him from having to suffer...but i-if i hadn't, father...he would've...would he have started to like me more instead of Sammie? Could I have been happy?  

I shook my head. I doubt anything would have changed regardless. Sammie was the golden child and I was the one beaten bloody and cursed to death. Until I got disowned. In the end, I suppose this was always how it was meant to be.

I hugged my knees with the covers over my head. I just couldn't stop myself from thinking of the past.

"I don't want to be here" I remember sobbing uncontrollably. I don't belong here. Everyone would be happier if I wasn't here. I'm nothing I sliced into my skin. Over and over. I didn't care that it hurt, in fact it was rather pleasant. This was all I had power over. After I was satisfied I'd stare into the space with my blurred vision. My eyes dull and lifeless, everything was blank just empty.  It was a moment of silence in the dark; peace, I didn't feel anything and that's all I wanted.

I remember being tired of the beatings and verbal abuse, from my parents. I wanted love and affection any way I could get it, it didn't matter who it was. Even if it was only to feel brief pleasure.

"Come on Mosen, I know what you like" he stuck a couple of fingers inside me. I cringed lightly at the thought. But it was the only way I'd feel less lonely. I was desperately searching for acceptance, support, anything really. But it never did happen. They were always so rough too. Only wanting me when it was convenient.

I sighed closing my eyes. Life stopped having meaning for a long time now. I just seen to float by. All I can hope for is a quick ending.