I jolted out of sleep. Anxious, annoyed… aroused.

I’ve been having the same dream for the past three nights. I haven’t seen her in like, three maybe even four years now. Why, oh why, do you plague my mind? You don’t deserve it. You just left me—as if I was nothing.

I tried so hard to be there for you. No matter how many times you pushed me away, I just wanted to show you I cared. And that was before things got sexual. Before that moment we had in the bathroom. We were best friends first... Well, we were just best friends, really. That moment didn’t change or define a new relationship. We never talked about it. So how would I know?

I’m sure it was just one of those cheesy porn scenarios. You know the ones—terribly acted out, two best friends suddenly doing it. At least that’s how I think she saw it. I have no clue.

I knew what my feelings were. But Carys was already out—she’d been out since sophomore year. She got hit on all the time. After everything that happened with her dad, I wouldn't dare bring it up or look for some deeper meaning. It wasn’t the right time. It would’ve been selfish.

She deserved time to heal.

I just wish… I wish she hadn’t pushed me away.

I feel the tears pool up, running down my face like they’ve been in marathon training for months. To be honest, with the way my mental state’s been lately, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were true.

My phone rings, dragging me out of my spiral. “BAEZADDY” flashes across my screen. I sigh.

Yannie deserves so much better. Maybe Carys did too. Maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe Carys just wanted to set boundaries that weekend and have fun.

But she enjoyed that moment, didn’t she? I didn’t imagine the look in her eyes when I asked her to kiss me… right? Right?!

UGHHHHHHHHH, I’m going crazy!!!

I didn’t even notice I missed three calls.

You okay babe? a text from five minutes ago lights up my screen.

I take a deep breath before calling her back, legs folded against my chest, forehead resting on my knees.

“Roro, are you okay? Are the nightmares still happening?”

“Mhmm,” I murmur, trying to hold back tears.

I don’t know what hurts more: being heartbroken after four years, or lying to my partner about the dreams I’m having. It’s not like they don’t know about my lowercase past or the fact that I was secretly in love with my best friend—but still.

How do you tell your partner: “Hey, remember that first love I told you about—the one that was hard to get over even though we never dated? Yeah, I’m having intense dreams about them... oh yeah and they’re making me question my feelings for you.”

“Hey, hey. I know how easy it is for you to spiral when your emotions get overwhelming, but I’m here,” they say softly. “I’m sure you didn’t hear a word I just said, but we can go out and have a chill day. We’ll do all your favorite things. Or we can stay in if you prefer. I’ll order pizza. Sushi. Caribbean food. Or a lil’ bit of each.”

“Go on,” I whisper, a slight smile tugging at my lips.

“We can big back it and binge whatever show you want—or rewatch Bob’s Burgers for the millionth time. I won’t even comment when you recite the episodes word for word.”

“Hmmmm… that all sounds intriguing. Is this an itinerary or do I have to pick?”

“For you my love? It’s whatever you want it to be.”

“Well, I chooooooseee… itinerary. Let’s go outside first. That way we can stop by the art store and maybe do a lil’ thrifting. Can we hit the park too if it’s not too late? Rin closes early on Saturdays so let’s just put a question mark on the park.”

“Your wish is my command. Now go get dressed—I just hopped out the shower. I’ll call you when I’m downstairs.”

I smile, hanging up the phone, excited… excitement dropping as quickly as it accumulated.
They’re too good to me — this is why I feel as if I don’t deserve them.
Yannie is so understanding and does so much to make me feel safe and seen.
How could you question your love for someone that amazing for someone who may or may not have valued your years of friendship?

My twerking and my music are interrupted by my phone ringing.
“Hey babe, I’m n—”
“I know you’re not ready yet, just let me in, crazy.”
I hang up, running to my buzzer.
“Bring that ass on up, lil lady,” I say playfully.
I see them shake their head in the lil camera.
I run to unlock the locks on my door, taking a quick peek through my peephole to see if they’re already upstairs.
Knowing Yannie, they be racing up them damn stairs like they’re being chased in a horror film.
I do a lil victory jump.
Yeah, yeah, yeah — I beat ‘em.

My door swings open, accompanied by a rush of good smells, food, and whatever Yannie is wearing.
“Guess who stopped at Rin’s and got some starter sushi for our feel-better day.”
I do a little dance matching my music in the bathroom before twerking on Yannie.
I stop momentarily, turning around, giving them a little peck.
“Guess who beat you to the door.”
I do a lil shuffle dance.
They roll their eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I know the deal — date night is on me next week.”
“Yeah, it isssss. You're spending one hell of a bag this month, huhhh?”
They put the food down on the counter, grabbing me from behind.
They wrap their hands around my waist, spinning me around before joining me in a dance-off.
I throw my head back and laugh before pulling Yannie in for a hug and one decent kiss.
“Come on, the sushi is going to get cold.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice, ma’am.”
“Yeah, I know, Big Bacatha.”
“Ahhhhh, you got jokes. Maybe me and this big back should finish all the sushi before you can get a piece.”
“No, no, no, your back is beautiful and proportionate to your size and… AND did I mention it’s soft?”
“Mhmm, that’s more like it.”

I sit on their lap as they feed me a piece of the sushi roll.
“Now that is delicious,” I say, mouth still full mid-chew.
They feed me a few more pieces before shooing me off.
“Alright, alright, that’s enough. Go and get dressed so we can do all the things you want to do today.
And no, this is not the Rin meal of the day — we will still be ordering more later, if that’s what you want.”
“Yayyyyy!” I try to belt out, almost choking myself…
Maybe it is I who is the big backed one.

-At the art store-
“Ouuuu, what about these? Didn’t your last set break?” Yannie holds up a set of flat brushes.
“Yess, babe, these are perfect.” I put them in the basket.
“You sure this isn’t too much?” They shake their head side to side.
“Nah, I opened a second savings account dedicated to days like this — that way I can go all out making you feel better.” I pout before closing the space between us, planting what must be the 10,375,383rd kiss of the day.
“You’re so good to me.”
“You deserve it, babygirl.” I wince, looking up at Yannie to make sure they didn’t notice.
“Okay, I got a tracing pad, some sketch pads, a couple canvases, new brushes, and much-needed paint. I think that’s everything.”
“What about that printer you wanted? I thought you wanted to start DIY-ing some clothes/outfits.”
“Yeah, but they’re out of stock. You could order it to the store, but I think I’m just going to order it on Omezon with next-day delivery.”
“Smart, smart. Just let me know how much it costs and I'll send you the cash.”
“Um, uh-uh, honey, that doesn’t count. If I order it to the store, then yes, but nope — you’ve done enough today, babe, and there’s still more to go. I promise it’s fine.”

-At the thrift shop-
“You like this top? I think I have some ideas to zoush it up a bit.”
“Yeah. What about these? I figured you’d like them. This one even matches the pants you have on now.” They hold the top up to my torso.
I hand them the basket as I check the top in the nearest mirror.
“You are absolutely a fashion mastermind because this top definitely eats with these pants. I’m almost te—”
“Tempted to go to the laundry so you can throw it on.” I fake cry.
“You know me so well.”
We spend another hour or so in the thrift shop, basically clearing a couple of their racks.
I throw one of my bags over my shoulder as we walk out.
“Well, I’d call that a successful thrifting sesh, wouldn’t you agree, my love?”
“Indubitably. Probably our best yet, in my opinion.”
“Where to next?” Yannie does that hand-shake thing guys do, adjusting their watch so they can tell the time. Don’t ask why, but it does it for me.
“We still have a little time. Still want to stop at the park.”
“Uhhhhhh nah, we can go a different day. I want to get a little snack, and don’t you want to stop at the dispensary on the way back?”
“True, true. TO THE SPENSARY,” they say, mimicking the popular taktak sound.
We head toward the nearest bodega.
“What you getting?” I ask turning to Yannie
“I’m kind of tempted to order a sandwich like we’re not about to order tons of food… maybe I am a big back?”
“Maybe? That is indeed NOT a question. We don’t have to order too much though.”
“Nah, I’ll wait. Let’s get some snacks for later, too. I plan on picking up some edibles at the ‘spensary as well.”
“Oh word? Say lesssss, my nigga.”
I smile, skipping toward the snack section. Yannie heads to the cash register to catch up with their favorite ock.

-At the dispensary-
Looking at ashtrays and pipes “Pretty pretty” I smile creepily, hunting for new additions to my collection.
“ROROOOO!” Pedro, Yannie’s cousin, yells as he comes from the back.
“Mhmmmm, y’all spending a bag? You sad or whatever?” He pouts, turning to Yannie.
“Cousin, I’m sad too.” Yannie laughs shooing him off, continuing their conversation with Jarrod, the shop owner.
“Comeeee hereee. We just got a new type of DIY artist pieces, and I stashed a few items I thought you’d LOVE.”
Pedro looks around. “Don’t move, wait right hea.”
I opened up my phone, posting a picture of me in the mirror at the dispensary, captioned “My 2nd favorite place to be.”
Quickly zooming in on Yannie posting another picture, “My first.” Yeahhh yeahhh, I’m one of those. We listen and we don’t judge.
Followed by a sing-songy tune, Pedro emerges from the back with a box filled with— is that?
“Are these the same artists from atsee?” I ask, hands extended, ready to touch one.
“Mhmmmm,” he gleams.
“Oh my gosh, Pedro, I love you.” He tilts his head quickly to the left, making a lil “well duh” expression. I laugh, turning my attention back to my new babies.
I pick up some dope-ass pieces, showing them to Yannie, smiling harder as I sort through my new finds.
Me and Pedro start yammering on about celebrity gossip as he rings me up.
The door jingles.
“Pedro, I see you. Don’t you dare charge her for those. I’m paying.”
“Aurora, what you want? You can have it, sis,” Jarrod breaks their conversation to say to me.
“Sayyy less. I gotta tinkle first,” I say, dropping my bags near Yannie as I waddle off to the bathroom.
“We should get some gummies too,” I think to myself before retrieving my phone and texting Yannie first, knowing I gotta have a lil picture intermission before leaving any bathroom. Anywhere with mirrors, really.
“Stop taking pictures and come pick some flavors + strains before we dip,” displays across my screen.
Okay, okay, maybe I’ve been in here for a minute. I snap a couple more, sauntering out the back. Dramatics never missing an appearance in my life.
I tilt my head upward, ready to give my award-winning scene before an all-too-familiar smell hits me.

"Kiss me".....

“We never did find out, huh…” I frown, completely blind to the fact that I’ve been daydreaming or better yet, reminiscing for the past IDEK—
“Finally rejoining the land of the living,” Yannie smiles, poking my cheeks.
“I was out that long, huh?” I smile, hoping it doesn’t come off as awkward as I’m feeling.
“Uhhh yeah! It’s been like 20 minutes, babe.”
“Let’s go home.” I grab her hand.
“Ouuuu, more funky freaky time, Yannie likey. I’m going to have a hard time explaining ‘I enjoy when my girlfriend is sad’ to my therapist,” they joke.
I was still too lost in my thoughts to muster anything but a giggle.
The image of Carys walking, replaying in my head over and over again…
When did she come back? Is she visiting? Does she live around here? Did she even see me? Did she notice me? Is she… single?
UGHHHH. I try to shake the thoughts out of my head.
I’m with Yannie, DAMMIT. Aurora, get it tf together…
She is still as mesmerizing as I remember if not mo—
STOP IT WOMAN.
Why’d I have to run into you after all those dreams? Talk about timing.
Out of all the times to run into you… I’m being punished, that has to be it, right?
Why… why now? And why in the world was that memory so vivid? It was like I could feel her lips on mine, her legs wrapped around my waist, her nipp—
GIRL! WOULD YOU GET A GRIP.
I need to stop it. I’m fine.
I have a wonderful, loving, and supportive partner who I’m in love with.
I am going to take them home and we are going to have sex—hot, nasty, INTIMATE sex—with OUR PARTNER.
Yes, just breathe. We’re okay. We’re in love. We’ve moved on… right?