A space where all the light and warmth I'd built around us seemed to fade, leaving me raw and exposed. I woke up every morning hoping for a message, a sign, a crack in the wall dividing us.
But the screen stayed dark, I don't know why my feelings, my emotions felt so dependent on her. She was all I had left. I hated this, I felt so selfish.
The silence wasn't just between us anymore, it was inside me. The old doubts crawled back in, the same ones I'd fought to silence at the beginning of this year, about my worth, about purpose, about being enough.
"If she could just disappear like this, if she could ask for a break and leave me standing in the dark, what did that say about me?"
"I wasn't enough for her, my own love let her down."
"My love wasn't enough to silence all her thunderstorms, distance is undefeatable."
- I hate how I made her emotions more about me... I made it about me -
She'd mention that I wasn't the problem before, that it was her. But I realised, If I just understood her better, if I knew how to handle things better, things wouldn't have been like this. I got desperate...
I started messaging her. Not just once... everyday... Texts that spilled out the pain inside me, that fear, that longing, that desperate need of redemption.
"Please, don't leave me."
"I miss you more than words can say."
"I need you here."
"Can we just talk? I'm scared."
Each message I sent... it was a lifeline thrown into the dark void. Most of the time, it felt like it was swallowed whole.
The echo of my own words kept bouncing back to me.
Her message after a few days wasn't what I wanted to hear. She said she wanted to break up. She mentioned how overwhelmed she felt not just because of me, but how she struggled to find the time for herself, with so many things going on in her life.
She said as her heart ached, "Everything going on in my life is too much for me Milo... I'm sorry. I want to be left alone."
Ria continued, "I think we lost our spark."
Our constant misunderstandings had worn her down, how this...us... was too much... too fast.
My desire to be there for her didn't die. I told myself that she deserves that patient unconditional love, even if she didn't ask for it.... even if she needed space.
An entire month passed like this... me reaching into the dark, hoping she'd grab my hand. Then finally, she answered.
I waited, I supported, I didn't leave.
I showed my love trying to not tear her walls down, holding back my own needs, hoping she'd find her way back...
We had moments of small conversations, and glimpses of how it once was. I thought that things were slowly getting better.
But one night, when she tried to open up again, I said something, that was too careless, too raw, that stabbed through her fragile words.
She snapped, frustrated, "I told you to just listen to me. I don't want us to talk, not right now. Not for a few days. Please... just let me go. You're pressuring me."
My eyes blurred, I had flashbacks... not just flashbacks of what happened... but that dream... that first ever dream before we started dating, back at the train station... How I was there for her, listening to her, her crying in my arms.
The faint voices from that dream returned,
"Promise me Milo... Promise me you won't leave me?"
"I promise Ria."
For a moment, it felt like my heart stopped beating, I was drifting back in the endless void of darkness, Ria's voice, far away... Screaming became whispers. I disappointed my past self, my younger self who always dreamt for someone like her.
The silence that followed wasn't just a pause... it was an entire wall, blocking everything.
I thought I had it in me, I thought being there for her is what would've helped her. The fear of her being isolated scared me, she didn't even need anyone's help, everything got the best of me...
I realised I came out too invasive... too selfish, even.
I held on tight, too tight, when I should've let go,
I tried to fix what's out of my control, when all it needed was space to grow slow.
The silence was filled with my unspoken fear,
When all she ever needed was calmness, and clear.
I forgot that love meant trusting the night,
letting her find her own quiet light.
I saw the space I couldn't provide,
Where she could peacefully breathe, and safely reside.
I regret living this very mistake, this very day,
Wishing I'd love her, in a different, understanding way.
Somehow, my first ever dream, was haunting me, again.
Us, months ago, wouldn't have expected this turn... Us, back in that first dream... On that subway platform... Me holding that bouquet, holding her tears, I never knew I would sound like this, I never knew Ria would be so disappointed in me.
I broke my promise. The promise that was too late to reach for the dying star.
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