AUGUST 14, 2024

Jaime

Yesterday, I called in sick. Said it was back pain. The truth? I couldn’t bring myself to come in. Not after that blow-up with Natalie. It was rough. She brought up every mistake I’ve made lately. Three med errors this month, and she had something to say about each one. The looks from the PSWs didn’t help either. The whispers. The side-eyes. I reached my limit and walked out.

I know it’s on me, but I can’t explain how it happened. I’ve been a nurse for nine years. This kind of thing was never a problem. Not until I found out my husband was cheating. Well, ex-husband – I’m still getting used to that. Ever since, it’s been a slow downhill slide. Small mistakes turned into bigger ones. I keep asking myself if it’s burnout or if I’m starting to fall apart. The truth is, even I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Natalie… I don’t know why she doesn’t get it. We used to be close. Always had each other’s backs. Then one day, out of nowhere, it was like a switch flipped. She accused me of gossiping to Renee, one of the residents’ wives. Said I told her Natalie had stolen her best friend’s boyfriend because he was good-looking. And yeah, she did. If it’s that embarrassing, why do it in the first place?

Still, that’s not the point. I never said anything to Renee. Natalie knows how Renee twists everything. So why believe I’d be the one to say something like that?

After that, Renee’s attitude toward Natalie shifted completely. She went from being friendly to outright cold. I don’t know why she took it so personally. Whenever Renee had something to say against Natalie, I always stood up for her. But Natalie wouldn’t believe it. She kept pressing, “How else would Renee know about me and Mason? No one else knew except you.”

I told her I didn’t say anything. Maybe someone else did. It wasn’t the secret Natalie made it out to be. Some had already started talking behind her back. However, Natalie was sure I was the only one who could’ve told her. So, I asked Renee. And suddenly, she couldn’t remember where she had heard it. I asked around, talked to people I trusted, and got nothing. Eventually, I gave up. We’re not kids in high school. This drama shouldn’t have gotten so big.

But it did.

Renee made sure everyone, staff, residents, and even families, knew about Natalie’s personal life. I can only imagine how exposed she felt. But I wasn’t the one who spread it. That’s the truth.

Natalie doesn’t see it that way. And now she’s made it her mission to make work hell for me. Like, I don’t already have enough going on.

When I received a call from Silver Ray yesterday, I didn’t answer. I knew it was Gerald Anderson, our director of care. Probably another complaint from Natalie. I thought he’d come straight to me this morning with another lecture, but nothing happened. That didn’t mean I was off the hook. It only meant the storm was coming later.

At 10.30, I’m sitting at the nursing station, charting, when I spot Gerald coming toward me. His face is swollen, like he’s been stung by a bee, and my stomach tightens.

“Got a minute?” he asks, his voice icy. No pleasantries. No smile. After seventeen years, it’s as if I’ve already become a stranger to this place.

I nod, my hands trembling slightly. I try to keep my face neutral. “Yeah, sure.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Okay...” I stretch, trying to appear calm. “What is it about?” I ask, though I already have a pretty good idea.

Gerald hesitates momentarily, his eyes darting around, before meeting my gaze again. “Let’s go to the office,” he suggests. At least he has the courtesy not to call me out in front of my coworkers and residents.

I stand up mechanically and follow him down the hall.

The door clicks shut behind me. Gerald sits down but doesn’t offer me a seat – a clear sign that trouble awaits. Then comes the awkward silence. It feels overwhelming, so I clear my throat impatiently. “What’s this about, Gerald?” I ask, bracing myself for the inevitable.

“Do you have anything to tell me about the missing narcotics for Owen?” he asks. His voice is sharp, accusing.

I shrug, trying to remain calm. “It must be a medication error. Errors happen.”

“Errors happen, sure,” he nods, his eyes narrowing. His lips curl into a thin, tight smile. “But not this often,” he remarks, all business.

I feel the pressure building in my chest. “I know. There’ve been three errors this month, but Gerald, I’ve been here for years. This has never happened before.”

He smirks, and my nerves spike. “Three?” He raises an eyebrow. “That’s just the medication errors, ma’am.” The sarcasm drips from his words. I feel my anger bubbling up, but I know I’m in no position to defend myself. I lower my head, standing still, listening. “There are other complaints. Forgetting to sign the narcotic sheet. Leaving work for the night nurse. Incorrectly entering orders into the system... to name a few.”

I blink, trying to push the tears back. “I don’t know what to tell you,” I say, my voice shaking. “It’s never been like this. I’m dealing with a lot right now. I’m doing my best to keep everything together.”

“I know you’re going through a lot,” he says. There’s no honesty in his voice. He doesn’t know. He clearly doesn’t understand what’s going on in my life. If he did, his face wouldn’t be so stern, and his voice wouldn’t be so cold. I smile bitterly as he continues, “But that’s no excuse. We’ve had complaints about you before. I’ve spoken to you about the medication errors. I told you to take time off if you needed it, but you wouldn’t listen. This is your last warning. After this, I’ll have to take disciplinary action.”

His words hit me like a slap. I leave his office with my confidence in pieces. Silently, I curse Natalie with every word that comes to mind. She’s pulling the strings, and it’s working. What does she want from me? It’s as if she’s trying to push me into a corner, forcing me to choose my fate – death. But no. I refuse. I’d never go that far. Even if someone else has to take the fall, I won’t end my own life. My world isn’t perfect, but I’m not ready to put a full stop to it. I’m sorry, Natalie. You’re not going to win this.

I keep telling myself that Natalie and her petty games can’t touch me. But there’s one thought I can’t shake. What if I’m forced to take leave, or worse, face disciplinary action? Either way, I can’t afford it. Panic rises in my chest. I rush to my car, slump into the seat, and stare blankly at the steering wheel. My vision blurs as the tears come, hot and uncontrollable. I let them fall, not caring who sees me.

A few minutes later, I wipe my eyes, sit straight, and take a deep breath. I can’t let her do this to me. My love life is already a mess, but I won’t let my career be next. I’ve worked too hard to get here. I started as a caregiver seventeen years ago, moved to RPN eight years later, and eventually became an RN. It wasn’t easy. It took everything I had. I won’t let anyone take it from me. Not now. Not ever.

I need to wait. Wait for her to make one mistake. Or better yet, push her into it.

One mistake. That’s all it will take.

And when it happens, I’ll be ready.