I don’t know how long I was away from myself, but the image of Leon’s face as they dragged him away, so afraid and desperate, does not fade but stays imprinted on my eyelids long after the light reclaims me.

The first thing I see when my eyes open is– well, I don't see, due to the amount of well chewed hair dangling in my face. With a careless sweep of her hand, Cicilie pushes the plaits behind her ears, bopping my nose lightly as she does so. Her slightly grubby face is staring down at me – in a way I'm trying to pretend isn't creepy – when “AWAKE!” she shouts, and I hear a furious reprimanding whisper from Felix. The second thing is my own ceiling - decorated in light swirls of silver reminiscent of my skin - and I realise belatedly that I’m lying on my back on my carpet. I don’t have any memory of how I got here, but I quickly decide I fell, shoving the thought of Felix lifting me down out of my mind. Not the time.

Suddenly, my thoughts catch up with themselves and the reason I’m here at all hits me like a brick. Flashback. Was I unconscious? Did I shout out? What happened? Humiliation floods in and I scramble to my feet, trying to look dignified while swaying as blood rushes from my head. I straighten my shirt, flipping the collar down again. The slip of the thin ribbon at the edge beneath my fingers calms me slightly. Just get this done. 

My posture is stiff, unyielding, shuttering all my emotions behind the same wall that’s rescued me for the last five centuries. I regret how closed off I’ve become – I swore to myself that I wouldn’t, that I would stay vibrant and open. But life hardly ever goes the way you want it to, and the years of loss have forced me to retreat into myself more than I would have wished. 

I extend a hand to Felix – he’s sitting on the floor next to where I was, only seconds ago – and help him to his feet with as little prolonged contact as possible. The moment he’s up, I step away, saying something vague about needing to go to the garden to check on the roses. ”You’re quite sure?" Felix asks, looking concerned. “The day is warm, and you had a turn just now.” My cheeks flush deep red as I force a lopsided smile and mutter about sticking to the shade. 

Felix shrugs worriedly, clearly sensing my wish to be left alone. I suspect he’s torn between staying, to make sure I'm fine, and respecting my wishes. All I need is to push my act just a bit further…

“I’m quite recovered, and besides, the fresh air will do me good.” Surprisingly, my voice is steady and strong, and I sound far more assured than I actually am. Thank the saints. I can feel my armour cracking, and I know I’ve got minutes. “My thanks for your help–” I start, but brief, blinding pain lances through my temple and I flinch hard. I just can’t face anyone right now. I need him to leave, before I start punching things and screaming away my churning thoughts. “I– I think you had better go.” 

Felix looks pained, but gives a single nod and moves to the hallway. “Very well. I hope you are back to health soon.” I do not know if I’m relieved or desperate to drag him back. Maybe both. And like that, stiff, polite farewells are exchanged, and he’s gone. 

The moment the door closes behind him, I crumple to the floor with my back to the wood and bury my face in my hands.