“Alright, I see returning faces and new faces. Those of you who were passed up for guild recommendation in previous dungeons still have a shot if you can impress me here—I wouldn’t have invited you back if I didn’t think you had potential. Now listen up—we’ll have two teams. If I call your name, you’re in Team One, line up here.”

JimmyTheThird wastes no time. The moment he arrives he starts giving orders, and the gathered players snap quickly to attention, forming ranks in front of the tiny blue-haired gnome.

He calls several names, including that of my acquaintance WilliamBurnett and the other tank, Ilovetracktors. But he doesn’t call mine, nor Cherry1 or Dario.

“Those of you I didn’t call are in Team Two.”

Figures, I think as the elf couple I now recognize move over to my side.

“Each team has one tank and one healer. The tank’s job is to aggro the monsters, the healer’s job is to keep the tank alive. The rest of you unleash hell on those undeads—but wait till the tank’s got them all rounded up, or you’ll pull them right to you and break formation. Any questions? Good,” he says without pausing to see if there actually are any.

“This is a straightforward dungeon. For those of you who haven’t ran it before, we’ll open into the cemetery. There’ll be twelve groups of mobs roaming around, skeletons and zombies with much higher health and damage than anything you’ve faced before, so don’t any of you damage dealers get cocky and try to take them on by yourselves.”

Cherry1 smirks.

“You low level tanks aren’t built to withstand the attacks of more than one group of mobs, so take care you isolate the group you intend to attack before going in, or you’ll be swarmed, is that clear?”

Ilovetracktors nods stoically. I do my best to mirror his gesture, all while sweating buckets. Can I really do this?

“Once we clear the low level undeads from the cemetery, the first boss will come out of the crypt at the back. I’ll give further orders when we reach that checkpoint, so for now just focus on clearing the groups of mobs. Remember, it’s not necessarily a competition between the teams, but whichever group comes out with the highest damage percentage will certainly have my attention,” says Jimmy with a knowing look.

Somehow, I feel very small in front of this gnome character. Though we started playing at the same time, it feels like he’s already years ahead of me. Next to him, I am like a child, and Jimmy is the adult holding all the power.

I have to impress him. If I don’t, I can say goodbye to my hopes of joining the White Striders guild.

“Is everyone ready? Then I’ll start the instance.”

Jimmy turns and interacts with the gate behind the temple that opens to the cemetery.

[Loading multiple player instance

Exit condition: Defeat the Four Edge Lords]

It’s dark. In an instant it went from two o’clock on a bright sunny day to the middle of the night with a blood red moon. The graveyard is alive with shambling bodies, undead that creak and thump as they walk aimlessly amongst the tombstones and open graves.

It’s terrifying. Or at least it would be, on my own. But I’m not alone, I remind myself. I’ve come to this place with a small army at my side, the fearless Team Two.

Is this how my ancestors felt, marching side by side into battle with their comrades? Brotherhood, camaraderie, blood oaths sworn to our king, a fight to the death, loyalty, bravery, honor... I look with envy on the splendid blue, gold and white tabard worn by a handful of our party, and imagine a day where I too will wear the proud colors into battle.

For the glory of the guild! Deus vult! 

“Hey, tank! Sometime today?” Cherry1 glares at me, arms folded across her chest. I realize my other team members are glaring as well and I jump forward, heart thrumming. 

“R-right! S-sorry!”

[Heart rate accelerating. 137 BPM. Automatic system shutdown if heart rate reaches 150 BPM.]

Calm down, Rev. Everyone is counting on you.

Doing my best to get a handle on my anxiety, I consider the closest group of monsters, recalling Jimmy’s warning not to pull too many at once. These seem far enough from the rest of the mobs—it shouldn’t be a problem to attack them.

To my right I notice Team One is already engaged in battle with their monsters, and I feel pressured to catch up quickly.

Right. I can do this.

I rush forward boldly into the first group of skeletons and squeeze my eyes shut, fully expecting to be pummeled, but something is wrong. They’re...ignoring me?

This can’t be right. I double check my aura is on, unable to comprehend why it doesn’t seem to be pulling monsters. 

What—what’s going on? Did I miss something? Is this a nightmare—am I hallucinating? Why isn’t it working?! Someone tell me what I’m doing wrong! 

Just then a pink bolt fires over my shoulder, striking one of the skeletons. I look back in horror to see Cherry1 smugly aiming her wand at the monsters. In a split second, more damage comes pouring into the mobs from other members of my group, and ignoring me, they rush straight for the damage dealers. 

“The hell?” I hear one of them yell. “Why are they attacking us?”

“Tank’s not doing enough aggro!”

That’s not the problem! I think. I’m not doing any damage at all!

“We need heals, stat!”

“We’re dying over here!”

“I’m out of mana!” I hear Dario’s desperate cry just before he falls screaming to a crush of zombies. 

“Team Two, where the hell is your tank?!” Jimmy’s voice rises over the rest just before it fades out abruptly.

[Heart rate 154 BPM. Activating relaxation protocol.]

I sit stunned on a familiar bench. After the dark of the cemetery, the bright light hurts my eyes. 

For a moment I do not move. Can’t even think. Then panic hits at once and I jump up from the bench.

“No!” I cry. “Not now, Tina! Take me back!”

“I’m sorry, but your pulse is too elevated. Please wait until—”

“Tina, I’m not joking! Put me back in right now or Jimmy will kick me from the instance!”

“I’m sorry, I cannot do that.”

“Tina!”

Calm down. You’re not going to win an argument with a computer. For now, I should try to figure out what went wrong with my damage. 

I get Tina to load my character profile and check the evolved shroomlet aura.

[Noxious Spores level 6: A cloud of deadly spores follows you, devastating your enemies.

15 ft radius

-0.6% HP/second

5% Life Leech

Stops enemy regeneration]

What’s this? A small hotdog menu in the corner I never paid attention to before has me jabbing at it furiously, looking for answers. 

[Does not affect monsters immune to poison damage including undead, elementals and constructs. Negated regeneration does not affect boss monsters.]

I slap my forehead in disbelief. My aura doesn’t affect undead?! But this entire instance is nothing but undead opponents! I’m absolutely useless in this dungeon!

Calm down. At this rate I’ll never make it back into the game. 

I’m going to have to find a way to tank without my aura. I have the Aggrovating Skill, that means if I do any damage at all, no matter how small, it will pull the monsters away from my comrades and back to me. I still have my wooden sword. Rather than rely on my aura to do the damage for me, I’ll just have to get my hands a bit dirty.

That works, I can do that. Now I just have to get back into the game before Jimmy notices I got logged out and kicks me from the instance. 

“Tina, what’s my heart rate?”

“Heart rate 130 bpm.” 

“Why won’t it go down already?!”

“If I may, you seem to be suffering from high levels of stress. Would you like to try a guided meditation to help calm—”

“Yes!” I cry impatiently. Anything at all, to get me out of here sooner. 

“Please find a comfortable position and close your eyes. Take a deep breath.”

“Get on with it already!”

A few minutes later I’m back inside the game. The last group of zombies is being taken care of and Team Two seems as stressed as I feel, trying to make up for their missing tank by utilizing the fighter with the most armor and healing him like crazy. 

“Where the hell were you?” he asks, tears streaming from both his and Dario’s eyes.

“You son of a bitch,” Dario’s voice cracks. “If you think I’m going to heal you after this—”

Facing their accusatory glares, my hard-won lowered heart rate is assaulted, and I sense it spiking immediately with panic. 

“S-sorry,” I mumble, looking away deliberately in the hopes of lowering it. “Poor connection.” 

That’s a good enough excuse for now. It might even make up for my failure to aggro any monsters before, if I can just get them to buy it. 

For now, Jimmy is withholding his censure as we reach the checkpoint in front of the crypt.

“Heads up, the first Edge Lord will be coming out; he’s a cavailer, a jousting knight. Revelator, you’ve been damned useless till now, so here’s your chance to make up for it. I’m counting on you to take his charge hit. You have the most HP out of anyone here, so I know you’ll survive it. Think you can handle that?”

“Y-yes, Sir!”

“Then go stand over there by that tombstone. Not that tombstone, the other tombstone! The one shaped like a turtle!”

While I scramble to obey, trying in vain to get my racing heart to settle down, the door to the crypt opens and a heavily armored skeleton emerges in an eerie purple light. A haunting rattling whinny sounds across the graveyard and I jump, looking over to where a skeletal horse is trotting over to its master. As the dead Lord Edge mounts his faithful steed, Jimmy calls out to me. 

“Now, no matter what, you’ve gotta take his first hit, got it?”

“Got it!” I answer, painfully conscious of the eyes of the entire party on my back, and of my still racing heart. 

Master it, Rev. Don’t lose your cool, now. You’ve overcome so much already. All you have to do is stand here and take this hit. Have faith in your HP, in your Constitution stat. You were made for this. 

My self pep talk helps a little, I can feel my heart rate slowing down. Though when the knight lowers his visor and aims his lance at me, I close my eyes with a gulp.

Be calm. You just have to take the hit. So long as you don’t move—

I hear the thunder of hoof beats. They’re closing in—fast! Against my will I feel my heart rate surge once more.

[Heart rate 140 BPM. Automatic system shutdown if heart rate reaches 150 BPM.]

No! I won’t despawn! I refuse! I will take this hit, I will! If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll—

Another sound, louder than the hoof beats. Distinct. Unmistakable. 

A fart? Baba Yaya?! No, that was—me?

It’s so loud, it reverberates inside my armor, and when I open my eyes—what’s going on? I’ve shifted a few inches to the left in a faint greenish cloud—just out of the way of the charging knight, who blasts forward into the gathered damage dealers, knocking them flying like bowling pins with a wide variety of colorful exclamations.

“Motherf*cker!”

“Oh, I swear to god—”

“You piece of—”

“Weeeeeee!”

“I’M GONNA F*CKING KILL YOU!”

What? What??!

[Heart rate 152 BPM. Activating relaxation protocol.]

What the hell?!?!?!

“Tina! Log me back in!!”

“I’m sorry—”

“TINA!!!”

After a minute and a half of absolute mental breakdown, I finally get the presence of mind to pull up my character profile.

What was that? I’m positive I heard that sound—Baba Yaya’s teleportation fart. After fighting her so many times, there’s no mistaking it.

[Baba’s Vanishing Haze Aura level 1: You are clouded in an eerie mist, obscuring you from your enemies.

5% chance to evade enemy attack

Cooldown 30 Seconds]

It can only be this! But it didn’t say anything about disappearing in a fart cloud! And why on earth did it have to activate just then, of all times?! Just when I was about to take the most important hit of my career! 

“God damn it, Baba! Did I ask for your help?!”

I can just picture her laughing at me, her face projected against the sky as she flashes me a peace sign. 

“Raaaaargh!!”