Chapter 15

“Someone’s Decision”

Can’t say anything about what is or isn’t going on.

I’m just sitting here with my left wrist again,filled with new red lines, overlapping the ones that were almost gone.

I’m tired of writing about the same numb, disappearing feelings again and again.

In different chapters. On walls. In my mind. Carved into my hands.

Although that’s how this whole chapter will feel like,

But really?

Sometimes, I blame my roommate Addie, a green-cheek conure.

If I didn’t choose him five years ago, maybe I would’ve had enough energy for a dog.

That is, if I didn’t have him… maybe I would’ve done all that I didn’t.

It wasn’t his fault.

I chose him. He was one of my many questionable decisions.

This relationship is a mirror reflection of an Asian child and their parents.

How can one make such a choice,to bring someone else into the world.

And then blame that unthought-through decision for their own inabilities?

And how is that so normalised?

“You know, Addie, I should’ve chosen the dog over you. So I wouldn’t have to deal with your stupid ass, bird.”

“你有本事就把窗户打开跳下去，天天这个死样子演给谁看？”

Addie bobs around.

I can smell the comforting scent of seeds from his feathers,like flour.

I load him into a small carrier and take him out for a walk.

There’s this new game I’ve been playing.

I stand in the middle of the road, close my eyes, count to ten, then walk to the other side.

Holding Addie, I only counted to five before I slapped myself back to reality with my sore hand.

It was all quiet and clear for a short while.

I sat on a tree branch, with Addie still bobbing around in his little carrier.

The lamppost was surrounded by a crowd of flying ants,

Not in any order.

The lights squealed through them, forming funny shadows underneath.

“What am I going to do?”

It’s so heavy. Like a stone stuck in the middle of my face, somewhere behind my nose.

I picked up Addie and let him out of the cage.

He dug his nails into my shoulder, beak grinding, making weirdly satisfying Addie noises.

Why didn’t he fly away?

I don’t know.

This thing called “trust me, bro.”

“What? Never seen oranges before?”

Addie was snapping at an orange juice machine, utterly intrigued by the concept of food in a huge box.

I scanned the QR code, bought him one.

Then we both watched the oranges move, drop, and get pressed into juice.

In some ways, we’re pretty similar.

On the stone bench, Addie spun in circles, waving his 2cm toes and nodding his little head aggressively,

While I took my time opening the plastic lid on the cup.

I taught him those three little tricks when I first got him.

I put the cup down.

Addie hopped on and started licking the floating ice cubes.

The old uncle who sold him to me told me to choose a younger bird, showing me a box.

I took a look. They barely had any feathers, sticking out their necks at me.

I turned to look at the cage full of adult birds,

Screaming and jumping over each other like tiny maniacs.

“Those are too old,” he said. “They won’t bond with you.”

I think I knew that.

But I chose him anyway.

Nothing special about him.

No different from all the other birds in that very same cage.

Addie took a sip of the actual juice after a few tries, finally distracted from the ice cubes.

He chirped.

The “happy Addie sound.”

It wasn’t a mission.

Wasn’t a bet.

But something proved them all wrong.

Addie arrived with clipped wings, an ugly face, and a passion for breaking my fingers.

I watched his wings grow,revealing that elegant, garish blue.

Watched him learn to fly.

Learn to be the silly thing he is now.

He doesn’t do cuddles. Doesn’t like too much petting.

Or else he will,and can,break my fingers.

I’m not the kind of weird guy who touches his roommate anyway.

“Okay, Addie, that’s enough.”

I grabbed him from the back. Back into the carrier he went.

He smelled like orange.

I sniffed the air,hard,

Before gulping down the rest of that orange juice.

I should jump.

Dude, really?

Can you stop thinking about it,for one minute?

Oh, come on. It’s hard.

Can’t be that hard.

Yes, it is.

The next day, I brought Addie to the grassland.

Sunny day.

Smoke came from deep in my throat.

All I saw was yellow and blue.

Opened his carrier. Took him out.

He took off. Not a single bit of hesitation.

Right into the colossal sky.

He’s gone, I told myself.

Watched his little figure circle farther and farther into a distance I couldn’t see.

Heart almost popped out,

Before it fell back down and just stayed there.

No fear. No sadness. No disappointment. No pain.

Nothing.

That’s his choice.

Even if he doesn’t know what it means,what awaits him.

Doesn’t know he’ll die very soon.

He’ll drown in a lake, hit a tree and break his neck,

Be caught by raptors and torn into pieces I won’t even be able to recognise.

With the empty carrier, I lay down in the long grass.

How stupid am I?

This is no different from killing him.this is murder,and what should I call it, mercy?

What am I supposed to do?

Leave him orphaned in this world?

But who am I to decide if he lives or dies?

I took a deep breath.

Stared into the sky.

Doesn’t matter now.

“Groop!”

That’s an Addie sound!

I sat up, looking around, splitting the grass open.

It was all the same colour,where’s that damn bird?

Then I heard it again.

Addie slowly walked out,

Took off and grabbed onto my hair.

His feathers were burning.

His breathing, fast and shallow.

I poured water on him, popped him back into the carrier.

Got so many juices. So many.

“I’m sorry.”

Addie doesn’t know. Addie doesn’t understand.

“I’m still sorry!”

Like I said,

We’re similar.

Both results of someone’s broken decision.

Chapter Gap

“No regrets, Daniel, please.”

From somewhere between what felt like yesterday and three seconds ago, a wave of “strong feelings” hit me. It got me collapsed on my bed.

Was it really about wanting treatments or a new start to life?

You didn’t give yourself a choice, Daniel. You aimed to die.

And we are going to pretend we’re alright with that? Does it feel like it now?

“Yes, Daniel.”

The feelings of unease, worries, anxiety, pain,made me realize I had not been breathing. I took a deep, long breath.

“Yes, and we need to be.”

Anticipatory dread,that’s what this is, and that’s it.

Looking in the full-body mirror this morning,my face, my hips, legs, and limbs,they were all in strange yet familiar twisted shapes.

I am closer. Closer to the end.

“You are dying, Daniel. Very soon.”

I don’t think I’m looking forward to the appointment. Somehow it doesn’t seem as important.

I was odded out to discover that, but nothing surprises me.

Having eye contact with myself is silly. But I can’t find it,can’t see it. There’s nothing behind those eyes.

Just another pair of eyes trying to find anything in mine.

Took myself up to a railway station,closed down decades ago, but still a good historical memory.

Timber columns, roofs, and red brick walls. Two old maps and a couple of spiders.

I sat in the waiting area, staring at the empty tracks like a train was going to appear and take me to my destination.

It wasn’t my first time here. I was here with a bunch of kids,we were fifteen.

Can’t believe I was actually ever in a group.

We all sat in the very same spot, rowdy, and none of them could sit elegantly. The smell of sweat, and the burning of youth.

They are all out there.

I am still here.

Left behind.

Or I’ll say I stayed,stayed behind with this old abandoned station.

“This place reminds me of the time when I wasn’t born… haha.”

I sighed, gazing into the ticket window,blocked.

“And you realize you’re not old enough to be reminded.”

It was the 50s. This place was filled with Englishmen.

Weather was scorching, as usual, but everyone wore suits.

Surprisingly still noisy,young boys pushed and squeezed in the crowds of men, collecting and giving out tickets.

That’s what it might’ve felt like.

Mom and Dad really want me to get a full-time job, so they won’t see me wasting my life away.

I have nothing against that, but I want this peace to last a little longer.

Just enough for me to go.

I’m not about to spend the last few months of my life serving people.

They aren’t aware of my plan.

I told them every day.

Doesn’t seem to spark their interest.

That’s a good thing, Daniel,a great thing!

I took photos.

Of myself and the old buildings I adore.

Sketches and notes.

I kept them.

I am making a photo album.

I hope to deliver it to my parents at my funeral.

Let them know that, in the last moments of my life, I was pleasant, sharp, and… happy?

I always thought I never experienced anything like happiness.

But maybe this is what happy is?

Maybe I had something I was looking for the whole time.

Though I doubt that’s what it is.

But they don’t have to know that.

They just have to know I was well.

That the cold body was well.

I want to let myself cry, but I am only breath.

I want to force a smile, but I can only breathe.

In the MRT home, I stood between an aunt and an Indian couple,all staring at me.

My arm looked like a crossroad.

I don’t blame them.

I know,I swore to not do that anymore,easier said than done apparently.

I let out a huge sigh.

I’m holding it together,well enough.

I want a hug.

Thats weird.

Not from anyone I know.