I never notice how quiet my place is until after I’ve had company. The girls left not too long ago. And as much as I hate to admit it, the first thing I wanted to do was revisit her page. 

Am I a sadist? Is that what it is? Why am I succumbing to this sick torture? What’s wrong with me? 

I lay on my bed cross-legged, phone in hand. The soft hum of city life drifts through the cracked window. 

I should call Yannie. I should use this moment to sketch. I should move on.

Yet Flickstagram lies open in front of me. I click without thought, scrolling in search of any type of indication of her missing me. A quiet whisper tucked in a caption or lost in a throwback post. I’m that blurry slide, only the poster knows the story behind.

Photos. Candids. Laughter.

Snapshots stir memories I thought I had tucked away.  It doesn’t take long for me to notice the pictures from high school, the ones she left up, were the ones without me.

Does she even miss me? The question lingers like a shadow.

The answer is getting clearer than I’d like to admit to myself. “Don’t be absurd, Rora.” I whisper, “Don’t add any more layers to the abandonment you already carry .”

Yet, my fingers still twitch, torn between curiosity and denial. 

I stare at her smile. That smile used to be for me

I roll my eyes with intensity at the thought of her smiling for Selah. At Selah. Because of Selah.

UGHH! This is so frustrating, you’re so frustrating! All I did was love you, no matter how mean you were, how much you pushed me away, how much you picked at me. And you pick her??? HER?!? 

Talk about audacity. I can’t help but laugh out loud at myself. 

I take a deep breath and pull out my journal.

It’s been a while, huh… In all honesty, I’ve been avoiding you. Avoiding the things I know to be true and clinging to the things that beg for release. I deserve better, and I’ve found that. Yannie deserves better, and I should give her that. Carys was my- the past, and that’s exactly where she should stay. The dreams coming back right when she moves back, sign? I’m starting to think it wasn’t a sign of faith. Instead, it felt like a push to face my feelings and move on. I need to do this for myself more than anything. Knowing she let someone in and allowed them to love her hurts in a way I don’t even think I know how to explain. Like a barb-wired slap to the face met with lemon rain, I am currently sitting here laughing at that last sentence because girl, what? But no, really, I wish it didn’t while simultaneously wishing it was me. And that makes me question a lot of things. Why do I yearn for a love that broke me down when I have a love that nourishes me? What validation do I gain from a romantic relationship with Carys? I’m not sure I’m ready for those answers, lol. I .. don’t know. But I’m going to make a change moving forward. I will focus on people and things that choose me. I won’t waste my time or energy on anything that holds me back. This includes aspects related to emotions, thoughts, or psychological factors.  I’m going to be happy for Carys. After the pain she endured, she can finally love and allow herself to be loved. Even if it’s not me, I’m proud of her. She deserves happiness just as much as I do. I might even go back to therapy. It was silly to believe I had it all figured out when things began to fall into place. I also regret taking for granted what I once appreciated so much. Going forward, I, Aurorah Charity Poh, will choose myself. My heart may ache, break, or long for the past, but I will prioritize me. I deserve good things. I deserve peace. I deserve to be free. I will no longer sit around and wait for someone else to provide for me what I can give myself.  This will be the first step to letting go. Goodbye, Carys, I wish for you the happiness that I’m now choosing for myself.

• Kisses 

Tears wet my face as I smile. That felt good, why’d I stop journaling again? I look in my mirror, flashing my 32s. I hugged myself tightly, allowing myself a moment to sit with my feelings. 

After the moment passes, I roll up and call Yannie. 

“Free already? Have I finally gotten my girlfriend back?”

I chuckle, “Yes, yes. I am free to be loved and perhaps licked.” 

“Oh? We can definitely pick up where we left off anytime, baby.”

“You busy? How about you pack a spendanight bag and we have a sleepover of our own?”

“I’m never too busy for my lady. Packing right neow! Shall I bring you anything on the way, my love?”

“Ummmm, maybe some more snacks. A case of water, some apple juice, and some weed, I’m almost out. I might pull up to the dispensary with you before I go to work tomorrow.” 

“Apple juice, water, munchies, and zah. Noted. What’s on the menu for tonight?” 

“If they didn’t raid the fridge before leaving, there might be some leftovers from the brunch Z made, as for later, no clue. You in the mood for anything?” I lay on my back, resting my feet on my bedhead

“How about we cook something? We can do it together, and if there’s no leftovers, we can order something small, or I can just pick us something up on the way.”

“I’d love that. I scroll through Taktak and see if I can find us a good recipe to tank together. I'm sure I have a bunch saved already.”

“Sounds like a plan, baby.” My phone rings as Yannie sends a FaceTime request 

“You know you’re coming here, right? Do you really miss me that much?” I tease, phone suspended in the air 

“Of course. Any time away from you crushes my soul.” They grip their chest dramatically, falling back on their dresser 

“Hey now, leave the dramatics to the queen.” 

“My apologies, your majesty. Now, as much as I love your face, I Facetimed you to pick your pack, snacks, and food. So, ma’am, get off your stoner ass and check for leftovers!

“Well damn.” I trot to the kitchen. “I’m sad to announce that the only leftovers in the fridge are my half-eaten chicken’n’waffles sammich.”

I can’t believe they cleaned me out. They even took the damned orange juice, hungry bitches. 

“Mmm mmm mmm. Those hungry bitches.” 

I cackle, “I was literally just saying that in my head.”

“Great minds, my love, great minds. Ok, my spendacouplenights bag is packed now, pick” 

They hover the camera over a drawer full of baggies, and my mouth drops

“First off, spendacouplenights WE LOVE! Secondly, I always forget how big your stash is. Next sleepover is definitely at your house.” I take a second to scan the drawer. “Let me gettt— uhhh, whatever that purple bag is. Nah, the one shaped like a booty.” 

“Purple booty packs it is. And you’re welcome here whenever, babe, that’s why you have a key.” 

“I do have a key, don’t I?”

“Yeah, that you don’t use,” they turn, looking around the room frantically, “who said that?” 

“Oh, shut up, I did use it! You don’t remember I walked in on Pedro getting his back blown out. The moans still haunt me to this day.”

“I have purposely stricken that memory from the archives due to my run-ins. One should never have to see their cousin face down, ass up.”

“Moment of silence”

We sit for a few seconds before laughing with each other

“Leaving the house now. Next stop, the grocery store.”

The smell of spicy ramen fills the air as Mr.Bobinsky nearly impales his manhood on Coraline’s garden shears. I take a sip of my chilled apple juice before returning to my bowl. I look at Yannie and smile, for someone who complains about the number of times we’ve watched this movie, they’re always immersed as if it were their first time.

“No, I will not share my ramen biggyback.” 

I gasp, “I was admiring you hoe.” 

“Oh.. I love you, too.”

“Yeah yeah yeah… Now I don’t even want to ask my question.”

“Yes, you do,” they tease between chews.

“You’re right. I do. Would it be bigbacked of me to scoop my ramen with some chips?” 

“Very. Now what chip are we using?”

“We? After you didn’t want to share”

“Yes. WE. And you know damn well I would've given you my ramen.”

“That’s what they all say.” I squint my eyes, turning my head until my stare turned to a side eye

“What chips, woman? Quickly before I miss my favorite part.”

“Now, who’s a Coraline addict?” I purse my lips together. “Anyways, I’m stuck between the Tortitos and the Rays.” 

“Why not try both, and we go from there?”

“I knew I had great taste when I bagged you.”

“Now we both know it was I who bagged you.”

“Hey, you’re fine as hell, and you worked at a dispensary. I would be a fool to turn that prospect down.”

“Now look at us, scooping our ramen with chips and rewatching Coraline for the 837th time.”

“Oh, the stories we’ll tell the kids.” We laugh as we clink our chips in true cheers fashion before digging into our ramen

“The Rays aren’t bad, but that Torito, though.” Yannie nods their head in approval

“Slapping, right? Who would’ve known this bigback would turn culinary genius?”

“I’ve had my suspicions. Make sure you save some of that genius for dinner too.”

“She will be equipped and ready to prepare a dinner to rival the greats.” I reach for another chip.

“I will be honored to create culinary history alongside you.” 

We clink another pair of chips, singing along to other dad's song

I grab the remote, holding it between our mouths as we sing “She’s a doll, she’s a peach, she’s a pal of mineeee”

After Coraline is Yannie’s pick. Shrek. I take our bowls to the kitchen as they roll up. I use this moment to scan my selection of meat in the freezer.

“I have chicken and mostly seafood left. We can make some firecracker shrimp spring rolls, honey jerk salmon with egg fried rice, orrr spice it up with a little fusion and make some butter chicken burritos.”

“Ouuuu that Indimex fusion sounds like it's going to HITTT. You’re bigback-fueled genius did not disappoint.” 

I placed the chicken in a lukewarm bowl of water. Then, I joined Yannie on the couch after curtsying, “I am what they call blessed.”

“Blessed you are, my queen.” They pull me into a cuddle as they pass the blunt.