Mama’s Wounds

2256

She still didn’t have a name, but I started to think of her like a mom. I didn’t say it aloud, but it was there, in my head.

They gave us new clothes to wear. Still not great, but at least they were pretty clean compared to what we have been given before. She was changing when I saw it.

There was a strip of light leaking through the cracks in the far wall. It’s barely enough to see by, but just enough to catch the mark on her shoulder. The mark looks like it was burned into her. Bold, black, stylized. It looks interesting.

It didn’t look like the brands some of the girls have. They sometimes come with marks on them. Maybe it wasn’t forced on her. It looked like the placement was picked for a purpose.

Chosen. Like it meant something.

Her ribs are still wrapped, the cloth stained. It’s been healing, just slowly. She still curls inward when the pain spikes. I doubt it’s healing right.

She never asks for help, never lets us see her bleed, except now.

I crawled closer to her, I wanted to see it better. I was slow, careful as I made my way over there.

She turned when she felt I was there, behind her. She didn’t cover the mark, just watching me look. I reached out, but I did hesitate, but she gave a small nod. So I touched it. The skin was smooth, but tough. It’s raised slightly under my fingers.

I opened my mouth, but wasn’t sure how to form my words. She noticed, she always does.

“It means I fought before the collapse, before the world we know ended.”

I wasn’t sure what that meant yet. That must be why she’s so strong.

Strength, no breaking down.

She placed her hand on mine.

“It means I didn’t start here in the dark.” She turned and faced me now. “And it means I won’t let it end here.” She took my hand and placed it over her heart. “Your story won’t end here either.” She gave me a small smile.

Her skin was warm. Her heartbeat was slow and strong. Like thunder but buried deep in the earth.

For the first time, I imagined something outside of this basement. Not light. Not the sky. Movement.

A future.

And that started an ember to light in my soul.

I want something more.

I thought she couldn’t be hurt. That she was something more than human. But when I saw the mark and the pain she carried, I realized—she chose this. Chose us.

Fake Tea Party

2257

After that ember lit, we started to want to know more. Learn more. She started to let us picture things outside the basement.

Sometimes the guards would give us things in cans. She started to collect these. They were dented, rusted, and sometimes sharp. Once there were enough, we would all sit together in a circle. Pouring our broth into these “cups”.

We would sit cross legged on the cold floor, but we would pretend we were princesses sitting in a large room surrounded by pretty things.

We held them like a tea cups and the broth was fancy tea.

We copied her movements, sipping the empty warmth coming from the cans.

For a moment, we would forget, I would forget.

We would forget the rats, the hunger, the darkness we were living in.

We were just girls pretending the world was somewhere soft and bright.

For a few minutes, we weren’t prisoners. We were girls with teacups and stories. That memory is one of the few that feels like sunlight.

Speaking

2258

Her name was Mari. She stayed with us for a long time. We would play and pretend we weren’t down here. She was ten, maybe, but she would tell me stories and dreams.

She always kept her nails clean, even down here. Even when they were cracked and bleeding. She would try to keep herself as clean as possible.

She would hum with us, with me and the lady sometimes. It wouldn’t be every night, only when she felt safe. Mari and I slept close together. Sometimes if our tummies grumbled loudly, we would share the bread or broth with each other.

I loved her stories and dreams. I started to dream too.

The creak of the door woke us up early. It’s earlier than usual. None of us moved. We all knew what early meant.

Two guards came down. They looked around, then pointed to our corner. Mama tried to stop them, but they hit her over the head hard. She fell to the ground in front of us.

They grabbed Mari, I clung onto her, trying to pull her back, but they’re too strong.

She didn’t scream, didn’t fight it. She just held my eyes and smiled. Like she wanted me to remember something.

They slung her over their shoulder and creaked back up the stairs. They took her. They took Mari.

I waited, but I knew. I knew she would never come back.

I just crawled back to our spot that we shared.

The dirt was still warm where she had been asleep. I clenched the scrap from the lady in my hand. It hurt I was holding on so tightly.

I’m not sure how long I stayed here. The basement stayed silent. There was no humming that night, or the next. Not until she woke back up.

She squeezed my hand when she woke.

My voice came. Small, dry, raspy.

“Mari.” Tears streamed down my face. I touched the wetness on my face. I don’t think I’ve ever cried before. I looked at her. She was crying. “Gone.”

It cracked the silence like bone splitting open. Her eyes were soft, her look kind. She came over to me and knelt before me. Took my chin in her hands and looked straight at me. Like she had been waiting for this moment.

“We’ll remember her.” She told me softly. “Hopefully someone will remember us too.”

Neither of us spoke anymore. We hummed together. I hummed louder than usual.

Not enough to echo, just enough to feel that sound in my chest.

Mari.

I never said her name again, but I never forgot.

Mari’s name never left me. I carry it like a stone in my pocket. She was the first thing I ever said out loud.

The Hideaway

2259

We were alone. The other girls were all huddled together, still asleep.

The rot in the basement seemed worse today. Wet stone, mildewed cloth, rust. My skin itched with the rot that was around us.

She nodded towards the darkest part of the room. It was against the far wall. The wall had a cracked pipe and the floor sloped a little bit . I followed her over there.

Crouched by the stairs no one used, the ones falling apart. There was a panel of crumbling brick, and behind it, there was a hole.

It’s not very big, not even wide enough to sit in properly. You had to crawl. in and stay hunched.

It looks like she cleared it out. Lined it with some old cloth, made it dry, quiet, safe.

“You hide in here when they come.” She was stern. “If they’re not calling names, don’t show your face.”

I climbed inside without a thought. It smelled like warmth, like her.

From in here I can hear everything going on without being seen. The walls swallowed me whole. When I came out, she was waiting for me. Her face was softer than usual, her braid loose over her shoulder.

She brushed cobwebs from my cheek. “Only come out when I call.” I nodded in agreement. I know she treats me different than the other girls. Her and I are the only ones that have stayed here.

Her voice dropped low. “Do you have a name?”

“No.”

She looked at me long and hard. She looked deep in thought. Something shifted and she paused before saying it aloud.

“Jordan.” She paused again, squinting at me. “Jo.”

She let it sit there, let me hold it in the quiet.

“It’s short and sharp. Like you.” I didn’t answer but the named seemed to fit. Like something I can carry.

After that when she called Jo, I came.

Disappearing became second nature. Before I learned how to run, I learned how not to be seen at all.

The Unlocked Door

2260

The guards left and I heard the door slam. It didn’t click though.

I heard it once, sometimes twice a day for who knows how long. I knew that sound. Every girl in this basement did. That lock was the line between the guards and us. We memorized it like our lives depended on it. Our lives did.

But today, there was no click.

I waited in the darkness, heart hammering, as the heavy boots of the guards moved past. I could hear them above us, slow and lazy. One of them was chewing something. The sound was annoying, loud and wet in the silence. Then all of the footsteps drifted away.

All of them…

I turned to the lady. She was asleep, pale, too skinny. Her breath made a small wheeze. and it made my heart hurt. I looked over at the other girls. They were asleep too, curled up together like roots.

I crept forward. Each step felt like too much noise in this silent space. I reached for the door, fingers trembling, and pressed.

It gave with barely a touch. It swung open. Not all the way, but enough to see beyond.

There was a crate just outside. Supplies left behind—some kind of box for transport. I scanned for shadows. Listened and watched, like always.

Nothing.

All of them did leave, like I thought.

I slipped out and opened the crate just enough to grab something, anything that might be useful. I went to a few different crates, hoping they wouldn’t notice just an item missing from each. Maybe they would blame each other if they thought of that.

A bit of cloth. Packets of food. A canteen with barely a mouthful of water. A broken pair of scissors. I shoved it all into my folded shirt, it was my pocket. I looked and watched again, still silence.

I went back to the door and slid it closed. I made sure to hear the click, so they thought they really did lock us back down here. Then tried to be as quiet as I could down the rickety stairs. I didn’t want to wake anyone from their slumber.

I got all the way down the stairs. I put all of it in my hiding place at the back. No one would find it here.

I reached my sleeping space just before the boots came back. I could hear them, loud and slow. Dragging across the floor above.

I smiled as I laid back down. Proud I was able to score us some items from above.

Something shifted in me that day. I didn’t have words for it yet. But it felt like standing at the edge of something I couldn’t go back from.

Rain and Flood

2261

I could smell the rain coming. The earth shook as thunder rolled across the skies.

It came hard and stayed for awhile. Rain hammering the ground above. Water seeping in through the cracks, cold and slow. After awhile it started to pool at our feet.

With the wind howling nothing slowed. The rain continued and the basement was flooding. She scooped us up one by one. Placing us on the stairs so we could stay dry. Huddling together for warmth.

The smell was awful. Mud smixed with something sour. Walls slick with water.

She hummed with us on the stairs. Trying to keep some of the girls calm.

The world outside breaking, but here, she’s our anchor.

That was the first time I saw her panic. She hid it well, but I saw it. And I realized then that fear didn’t make you weak. Letting it stop you did.

The First Lie

2262

I thought only the guards would lie, but then I realized that survival had teeth. Mine sharp enough to use to protect.

The guards came in at the wrong time. They never come at this hour, so we know it can’t be good. There was no food tray, no warning, no reason for them to be down here at the moment.

There were two of them this time. I didn’t recognize one of them. The one was here often. He always looked bored but when he hands started to move, he became cruel.

She’s slower than usual, she had a cough and didn’t get up fast enough. She didn’t lower her eyes like they wanted. That caused a shift in their faces, they sneered, happy she didn’t cooperate.

The new one grabbed her by the neck. Slammed her into a wall. Everyone froze, even me.

Something moved in my chest. It was tight, hot, and I didn’t freeze from fear. I froze from anger.

He raised a hand to hit her. I wouldn’t let that happen. I stood up.

“I did it.” My voice rang out loud in this darkness. I didn’t stop there, I need to protect her this time. “I looked at you. I laughed at you.”

I didn’t do either of those things, I was silent the whole time. Mama’s shoulders stilled like she felt the words went down her spine. I can’t let them hurt her again, I can’t let them hurt anyone again.

The bored looking guard narrowed his eyes at me. The new one turned towards me. Walking slowly. The steps echoing in this prison like a drum.

“Oh? You did, huh.” He spit towards me. I nodded once, I refused to lose his gaze. Voice flat, eyes calm. “I thought you looked stupid. Turns out I was right.”

WHACK.

My head snapped to the side. Heat blooming behind my eyes like the sun was here with us. My knees almost buckled from the pain that surfaced.

He slapped me hard, but I’m glad it was me and no one else.

I refused to give in. I didn’t break, didn’t cry. I stood back up and looked him in the eyes. Defiance rushing through me.

He cocked his head and had a slimy grin on his face. He wanted more, but I would not give him that satisfaction.

I just gave him nothing. He spat on the floor again. Annoyed I didn’t give him more of a reaction. He turned and spit directions at the bored man. “You deal with these brats.”

He went back up the stairs. Bored guard followed him back up the stairs. The door slammed shut and clicked.

I swayed then sat down now that they were gone. I could taste blood in my mouth. Mama was over to me in an instant, her gentle hands shaking. She held my chin, checked my eye. She didn’t ask me why I did it. She didn’t need too.

“I didn’t want them to hurt you…” I whispered it to her.

Her voice cracking like stone as she answered me. “They already did.” She kissed the top of my head. “Next time,” voice steadier now “you lie better.

Then we practiced different lies. Until the pain in my face dulled and I could say these lies like the truth.

I thought protecting her meant being brave. But sometimes it meant being clever. I never forgot what she said—next time, lie better.