Dear diary

It's been a while since I last wrote one of these. Over the weekend i was too hooked on fire force to write anything, not to mention i spent a day with guts on saturday, it was a lot of fun

Oh that's right i havent told you about guts yet. Its just my new nickname for Ethan, he thinks i called him that because he has guts, like he's tough… little does he know hehe

At first I thought guts was a bit of a druggy or something but now I think he might just be insomniac. He always has red eyes, and he always seems to fall asleep no matter how hard he tries to stay awake. On Saturday he fell asleep next to me and leaned on me while he was asleep. He was like one of the chinchillas at the zoo, leaning against me, so peacefully. I even made sure not to make a noise, I dug my fingers deep into my palms but it didn't really hurt, once I fell asleep. I bled a little but that's only human.

Today he fell asleep as well, on the ground, under Miss Jackson. I came over and he was laying on the ground, sleeping, with his head on a fucking anthill. I put his head on my lap to stop the ants from crawling all over his head but i dont think i should've done this without asking him first, although I couldn't ask him without waking him. I nearly made him miss his presentation too, he was so snug on my lap the bell couldnt wake him, and i couldnt bring myself to

When he woke up he started to give out because i was trembling and clicking and clutching my neck, he told me I shouldn't be pushing myself to that level. It was nice having somebody care about me, not wanting me to hurt myself, but i wish he just knew how much happiness his smile brings me 

•‿•

After that he was kind of acting weirdly, I skipped class but when he came back to Miss Jackson he looked like he had been screamed at for an hour. He stood a few feet away from me and started apologising, he didn't tell me why. I’d try to start conversation with him but i only got one word answers, all i wanted to do was hug him…but he’d give out to me if i did. 

He kind of pepped up near the end of the day; he was more talky but still a bit off. Maybe he's getting bored of me. He could be friends with everyone else, i don't know why he chooses me instead. I'm just some girl. Thats a lie, im the devil amnt i. Of course he doesn't believe that bullshit, that's guts he sees right through everyone else's horrible words. But even if I'm not the devil, he's still siding with the devil by hanging out with me, I hope nobody finds out.

Frankly i dont want guts to go away, i want him to stay with me, always. But if hes getting hurt then I can't enable that, I'm the devil it's my burden to carry. Nobody has ever showed me kindness like him, nobody has ever put me above themself like he has. 

The other day when he left my house he left a note for me with an x on it, but i guess he got a little carried away and crossed out the x, or maybe he was afraid id misinterpret it. Either way it made me happy. 

I can tell he didn't mean to give out to me, I just annoyed him a little because I was hurting myself for his sake. But im not gonna stop, i’ll comfort him whenever he needs it and i don't care if it hurts, he’s done so much for me. 

Anyways thats all for today, i got caught up on fire force now and its oh so amazing i cant wait for more. I also wrote a short story under Miss Jackson on friday, it was a reimagining of the grinch where he literally heists ‘christmas’ from a heavily guarded vault.

Signing off, Gertrude Trudy