Ethan wakes up, he feels something soft underneath his head, he sinks slightly further into it before he properly processes what he's looking at. Trudy is looming over him, he's laying on her lap.A sight he knows all too well, she’s trembling, her thumbs are digging into her neck, she's blushing, she’s looking away from Ethan. “Y…you were laying on an anthill” she says shakily, “if they crawled around in your hair that would be bad, I thought you needed a pillow”. Ethan jumps off her lap hastily, he takes two steps back and shouts at her,”and what about you… why are you doing this shit to yourself, stop hurting yourself,I dont want you to fucking hurt yourself”,he raises his voice even more, “you’re not helping anyone you’re just hurting yourself, I can fucking look after myself I dont need you hurting yourself for me”. Ethan checks the time on his phone then walks straight towards the school.

Fuck…why did I shout at her? She was just trying to help, she thinks I'm one of them now too. Maybe now she’ll leave me alone, then she’ll be happy wont she. Ya what I did was for the better

Ethan turns around and sees her sat against the tree, her head pressed against her knees. A single tear flows down Ethan's face.

It's for the better… I shouldn't have shouted at her though. Everything’s my fault, now she thinks it's hers. Fuck…I’m gonna miss her. But if I want her to be safe then I need her to stop caring about me. 

Ethan arrives in class half way through the second presentation. “Jeez I thought you’d never show up”, Kyle whispers, “I’ll do the speaking you just stand next to me and look pretty”.

Eventually the time comes where Kyle and Ethan get called up. Ethan does as he was told and stands there as Kyle speaks. Giving him just enough time to overthink, “hahahaha”, he thinks to himself, “they won, Kyle won, all those dickheads won didn't they, and you made your precious little Trudy cry, poor girl, the devil, you made the devil cry, yeah thats it, she’s the devil she deserves this, you loved it too didn't you, her lap, remember how warm it was? How soft it was? Imagine how many cuts there are from her fingers, from you, you. All because of your dumb feelings, that’s it and you know it, you like her, the way she speaks, the way she smiles, the way she looks, you fucking love it. And she’ll never know. No matter what you do you hurt her, you thought fucking off would help but now she’s in tears, so what’s the point. The only way to not hurt her would’ve been to never meet her, but it’s too late, I’m just glad the guilt is going to eat at you alive, not only the guilt but that empathy, you hate seeing that girl hurting, and it’s all your fault, sit down you fucking idiot the presentations over”.

I'm gonna have to go back at lunch, back to Miss Jackson. I need to make sure she's ok, what if she's run off? What if she's done something worse? Im so fucking pathetic.

After class Ethan tunnel visions straight to the door, completely phasing out Kyle asking if he wanted to have lunch with him, he marches straight down to Miss Jackson. He can hear his heartbeat, it drowns out all the sounds of his mind. He stands before Trudy before he can even make out what happened. “Guts”, she says concerned, "there's blood dripping from your elbow”.

Huh, must’ve scraped it off a wall in all the excitement

She reaches out and gently strokes his arm, grinding her teeth violently as she does so. “Are you ok?” she asks, “yep” Ethan responds automatically. She pulls her hand away, dragging a bit of his blood with her. Ethan drops to the ground, taking a seat in front of her. “That's it Ethan boy” he thinks to himself, “stay here, keep worrying her, you’re not doing anything else here, you can’t even speak, yes, yeah, mhm, keep answering with those one word answers, you can't think up anything else. Your head’s getting all warm now, you’re sweating, shaking, what's this…self pity? Nah it's something else isn't it? you don't know what, I don't know what. She’s asked you another question, I don't know what it was. I wasn't listening, just say yes it’s been working so far. God you’re fucking pathetic, the amount of pity she must feel for you now, if she felt bad for you before, fucking hell. What way are you hurting her now, do you reckon? Is her fingers digging into her legs? Her hands? Her neck? Ooh ooh what if she's doing that one where she aggressively scratches her arms, maybe there’s a new one, maybe she’s holding her breath, what would you do then,there would be no saving her. This wouldn’t have happened if you fucking slept last night, why were you up all night anyway you fucking waste of space. Wow she looks worried, after all you’ve been sitting in front of her with blank eyes for the last three hours, she worries about you, you think she hates you but look at those eyes, she doesn't hate you. She sure as shit is gonna though if you dont grow the fuck up.”

That's right, she worries about me, worries pretty badly. Fuck how do I play this. How do I make her never talk to me, never worry about me and never hurt because of me? Fuck. every road leads to her in pain, or her worrying about me. What if I just leave, stay at home, never speak to her again? no , then she’ll worry. To be or not to be, that is the question, whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them

Ethan shakes his head, "I'm sorry Trudy, I’m sorry I shouted at you”, he says softly. “It's ok guts”, she responds even softer, “I deserved it”.