Insu waited patiently for Shihwan’s response, but was not surprised when all he did was stare dumbly back at him.

Insu sighed as his chest tightened painfully, and yet, at the same time, he found that some part of himself felt relieved. He had never planned to confess, but now that he had… At least he could put to rest all those ‘what ifs’. 

“What?” said Shihwan after a long moment of silence.

Insu nearly laughed. It seemed like a strange haze had engulfed the scene before him. He felt like a bystander, as if he was watching everything unfold on a large movie screen. “Do you really need me to repeat it?” he asked softly.

Shihwan shook his head. “Insu…” he began, but then let the rest of his words fall away.

Insu gave him a gentle smile, one that he knew did not reach his eyes. He still couldn’t quite believe that this was really happening. “I think maybe we shouldn’t meet for a while,” he said in a very quiet voice.

But Shihwan had heard him, for his entire body froze in that instance.

“Wh-What?” he stuttered. “What do you mean? How long is a while?”

Insu sighed and tossed the towel from his shoulders onto the couch. “I don’t know yet.”

Shihwan shook his head. "I don't understand— why? Why do I need to stay away from you?"

Insu met his eyes again. There was a spark of panic in Shihwan’s gaze. “I just need some time,” Insu replied, softening his voice once more.

But Shihwan took a step forward. “Didn’t we already go through this? I haven’t seen you in a week and—”

Insu looked up.

And surprised by the expression on his face, Shihwan took a step back.

“Shihwan-ah,” Insu said, his eyes unusually straightforward. They were normally so guarded. “Do you love me?”

Shihwan’s eyes widened. What? Of course. Of course, he loved him… but that wasn’t what Insu was asking.

“Do you love me? Can you date me?”

Shihwan stared at him. He opened his mouth, then closed it when the words would not come out. 

Something clenched painfully in Insu’s chest. Insu let out a small laugh. “Just give me some space until I can get over you. That’s all I ask.”

When Shihwan did not respond, Insu looked up. For some reason, he felt calm, too calm.

But how? He had been in love with the guy for so many years, it had become his normal. And now that it was going to end… He should have felt more panicked, reeling from the loss of something that had become an integral part of himself, but all he could feel was this strange stillness that had come over him.

Insu gazed more closely at Shihwan’s face.

Shihwan was still staring back at him, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly, dumbly, like a fish out of water. Perhaps, this was why. Because the Shihwan before him was speechless, trying hard to come up with something to say, something to try to convince Insu to change his mind, while warring with his noble need to respect Insu’s wishes.

“How— How long?” Shihwan finally asked.

Insu smiled; it was a sad smile, one he couldn’t quite mask. He then gently and slowly pushed Shihwan backward toward the door.

Shihwan did not resist.

And when his feet passed the door’s threshold, Shihwan’s wide eyes met Insu’s.

No.

“I’ll see you around,” Insu said with that sad smile before gently closing the door that stood between them.

For a long moment, Shihwan stood frozen, staring at Insu’s closed apartment door.

It had been several minutes since Insu had been gone from his sight, and only now were the emotions that were churning violently within him began to surface.

He still didn’t understand them; he didn’t know what he was feeling, but one thing that he knew with absolute certainty was that he hated the idea of letting Insu go.

~

Shihwan coughed, then shivered. He wrapped the blanket closer about his shoulders and pressed his face further into his pillow.

He coughed again. Subconsciously, he felt around his bed until his fingers found his phone. With eyes barely open, he searched for a familiar name on his phone.

He paused when he realized his finger was hovering over the call button, Insu’s contact on the center of the screen.

He placed the phone back down and sighed.

Cough. Cough.

He didn’t feel well. His body felt hot and cold at the same time. The areas on his head, several inches above his ears, felt unbearably prickly. But no matter how many times he scratched them, the feeling would not disappear.

He coughed again as he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. His breath felt hot. He was tired, sore, and weak.

He had been feeling this way for the past three days, ever since the night he returned home from Insu’s.

He was miserable. He stared at his phone once more, his vision blurring slightly.

The prickling sensation on his head began to intensify, then he felt a similar one right below his back, on the skin of his tailbone. He scratched at it, but it did nothing to appease the itch.

Uncomfortable and downhearted, he felt himself whine into his pillow.

He wanted to see Insu, but he knew that he had no right to.

In the past three days, he had thought of little else but Insu’s confession. And yet, he still had no idea what it was that he wanted to do.

Did he want to date Insu? Could he date him? After almost two decades of being friends, was that even possible?

Shihwan shook his head. Maybe, after all, he had kissed him and he hadn’t hated it… In fact, he had really, really enjoyed it.

But physical compatibility and friendship were not quite the same as romantic feelings. The way he felt about Insu was different from the way he had felt about Boram.

There were no butterflies, and the excitement he felt was different.

But one thing he knew for sure was that the idea of not seeing Insu upset him far more than not seeing Boram.

Shihwan turned and stared at his bedroom wall. He felt tired, sick, and confused.

The tingling on his head and tailbone intensified, and suddenly he felt as though he was burning up. Something in his chest began to ache. 

Insu.

He pressed his face into his pillow once again and whimpered.

.