Just a few seconds later, I saw a pair of hands reaching out to me behind the corner. I yelped when they grabbed me, pulling me into a narrow alley where no one could see me.

“Let me go!” I hissed as I fought back as hard as I could.

And surprisingly, they did let me go. I stumbled forward and sprung around, expecting to see Sean or one of his friends ready to jump me, but it wasn’t them.

“Beau?” My voice was nearly a whisper as I stared at my former best friend standing before me.

Beau was alone. He stared at me with a frown on his face. I was ready to run if he decided to attack me, but he just stood there, glaring at me.

“What do you want?” I tried to sound hostile, but my voice was trembling, and I blushed lightly.

He squinted his eyes, and it became harder for me to breathe. He looked so good! I had to fight against my urge to fall down at his feet to worship the ground he was standing on. He was gorgeous in his black shirt and black skinny jeans. His shiny brown hair perfectly framed his beautiful face and stunning blue eyes, and I nearly melted just because his eyes were on me.

I had already forgotten what I had asked, so he startled me when he spoke.

“Are you fucking him now?”

I froze to stare at him. I couldn’t understand his question.

“W-what? W-who?” I managed to ask nervously.

“That guy, Deon. Are you sleeping with him?” Beau asked with an irritated voice.

“No. I’m just… He’s… It’s complicated,” I said, not knowing how to explain the situation without sounding extremely pathetic. I couldn’t just tell him Deon was basically blackmailing me. When Beau didn’t reply to me, I asked, “Why do you want to know?”

“So there’s nothing going on between you and him?” he asked without answering my question.

“No,” I said timidly.

Beau didn’t look convinced. I hesitated before taking a step closer to him. I had no idea what was going on, or why he wanted to know if I was sleeping with Deon, but I was happy that he was there, finally talking to me.

“Are you stalking me?” I asked with a nervous giggle, and he flinched.

“What? No,” he spat at me, and I stopped smiling.

“Then… why are you here?” I asked hesitantly.

He looked like he didn’t know the answer to my question. For a moment, he seemed somehow… lost. He turned to look away from me, his jaws clenching together, like whatever he was about to say next was taking all his effort.

“I’m sorry.”

I stared at him with wide eyes. He had spoken so quietly I thought I’d misheard him.

“What?” I whispered, and he turned his angry eyes back on me.

“I said I’m sorry!” he snapped, but his tone was much softer when he continued, “I didn’t know they would hurt you like that. I’m sorry for telling them about your… your…”

“Sexuality?” I helped.

I had dreamed about this moment for far too long… I’d waited for him to apologize, but when it finally happened, I didn’t know what to think.

“Yeah…” he muttered.

He seemed sincere, but…

“It was four months ago,” I said, and it was my turn to look away. “It’s an awfully long time. If you are sorry, then why did it take you so long to say it?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t know what to think,” Beau said quietly. “I thought I hated you, but the truth is… I miss you.”

I’d waited for him to say those words, but at that very moment those words hurt more than anything that Sean or anyone else had done to me in the past four months.

“Why now?” I asked quietly, like I didn’t know the answer already.

“I… I thought…” Beau stuttered and fell silent without explaining.

“You thought I’m with Deon now.” I almost laughed. “No… I can’t forgive you. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“No! Please don’t be like that. I really miss you, Theo,” he said, taking a step closer, but he stopped when I took that same step back. He sighed like he was defeated. “I want us to be friends again. I know I was a jerk, but I want to make it up to you.”

“Beau… I…” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “I wish it was that simple.”

“Why can’t it be simple?” he asked and took another step toward me. “Look, I get it now. I was a jerk to you, and I’m sorry. I was just so surprised, and I admit I didn’t handle it well, and…”

He paused to let me say something, but I didn’t answer him. I wanted to forgive him – I really did – but there was something nagging at me. Something I couldn’t just ignore, not even because of Beau.

“All right. You need some time to think,” he said. “I get that. I just hope we can be friends again. Someday, when you’re ready.”

“I don’t know…” I muttered.

“Don’t be like that,” he pleaded. “Give me another chance. I promise I will not screw it up.”

“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” I muttered before turning my back on him.

“Theo,” Beau said my name tenderly, “I really miss you.”

His words felt like an icy knife in my heart. I didn’t look back at him when I hurried out of the alley and continued my way home. I had no idea what to think, or how to feel. I wanted to go back to him and forgive him. I also wanted us to be friends again, but the past four months had taught me to be really careful around people.

Including Beau.

But it wasn’t easy to walk away from him. A part of me begged me to go back and forgive him, but I couldn’t. The first tears rolled down my cheeks when I reached my home, and by the time I stepped in and closed the door behind me, I was gasping for air.

“Beau…” I whispered his name and tried to wipe away the tears, but new ones kept coming down.

How long had I wished for him to take me back? How long had I waited for him to say he was sorry? I knew in my heart that I should’ve just forgiven him, but the words didn’t come out.

I didn’t even understand why.

“Oh my God… I’m so stupid,” I muttered and tried to breathe, but my throat was burning, and I felt like choking. “He said he missed me…”

And I was stupid enough to walk away from him. From Beau, who I still loved.

“I’m so ridiculous…” I almost laughed at myself, but I was such a disappointment that all I could do was cry.

I saw my own reflection in the window next to the door, and I hated it. I hated myself more than anyone else in the entire world.

“You are stupid and pathetic, and now you’re being ridiculous too!” I hissed at myself before I lost my strength and collapsed against the windowsill.

“Why didn’t you forgive him…?” I gasped.

I guess it was then that it really hit me. Beau wanted me back, and I told him no. I couldn’t breathe anymore. My whole body turned numb, and I had to sit down on the floor. I was clinging onto the windowsill while trying to fill my lungs with air… I became dizzy while new tears leaked down on my face. I hated myself so much I really wished I’d already killed myself.

“Stupid… Pathetic…” I gasped, and breathed out, “Ridiculous…”

Concentrating on those three words helped me to breathe. I kept muttering them out loud, but even though I wasn’t choking anymore, I felt like thousands of bugs were crawling under my skin. My whole body was burning, and I couldn’t stand it. I lifted my hand up into my hair without even realizing it, and wrapped my fingers around a small lock, pulling it lightly.

“I’m so ridiculous…” I whispered. “Ridiculous… Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous…!”

I yanked the strand harder, and heard them tearing off my head, but I hardly noticed the stinging pain. All I could think of was Beau, and how I’d walked away from him. My hands were shaking uncontrollably when I replayed our conversation, hearing Beau’s every word as an echo in my head.

I was such an idiot… Wasn’t it exactly what I wanted? To hear him say he was sorry… He said he was sorry… He said he missed me…

I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and shout and cry and destroy everything around me. I stood up from the floor and started walking without destination, trying to get rid of that horrible restless and anxious feeling I had.

“Ridiculous…” I kept muttering, feeling like I had just lost my mind. “Stupid, pathetic, ridiculous…” I repeated the words, and my voice grew stronger and stronger until I felt like I couldn’t bear all the emotions I had inside me.

I had to do something to relieve my anxiety, so I returned to the front door to find my bag, holding another lock of my own hair when I sat down on the floor. I took the notebook and a pencil and started writing.

“Ridiculous.”

I wrote the word ‘ridiculous’ over and over again, pressing the pencil hard on the paper, thinking about how ridiculous I’d been for hoping everything would magically be all right if Beau apologized to me. I’d been ridiculous when I thought we could just carry on like we used to, like nothing bad had ever happened between us. I was ridiculous enough to still believe that if I’d forgive Beau, everything would be all right again. It was ridiculous of me to even consider forgiving him. I was ridiculous because I didn’t forgive him.

When the page was full, I lifted my pencil and stared at the words with a numb feeling in my gut.

“Beau…” I sniffed and pressed my head against the notebook.

I was ridiculous for thinking I had a chance to be happy again.